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Trend: Saying no to sex
Ilana Messer
Published: 01.09.05, 14:55
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17 Talkbacks for this article
1. Too tired....WHAT A LINE OF BULL....
Sharon ,   Ohio   (09.01.05)
Pity on young married couples today. They have no idea what they are missing! They are spoiled babies and misguided non sexual malcontents who are most assuredly denying themselves and their partners pleasure. Bottom line, there is nothing better. Furthermore, by the numbers I see of those turning from intimacy, they should stop fooling themselves and get help. RUN DON'T WALK! Life should not be spent with a yawn in ones bed or worse gritting ones teeth, during the rare time two people have sex. Families have always been busy and woman and men have forever suffered from stress and exhaustion. The difference is 'then' intimacy was a way of releasing the worries of the day. It was a happy and close time for sharing both the body and the mind. Now, too many people use their worries and hectic schedules as a reason to not have sex. I have news for them, their reason is not legitimate. Worse, this gives them yet another excuse to do nothing about their inner problem. This excuse keeps them from looking inward at themselves. How pathetic. How terribly sad. I would venture to say those people never liked sex to begin with. These sexually backwards individuals think they are first ones ever to face exhaustion? Give me a break! Sadly, this they hang their excuse on. Their long litany of excuses is nothing more than a dislike for sex and fear of intimacy. We live in a world of lame excuses. There are millions. No one need look far for what they think is a valid one but in the mean time they are only lying to themselves. Without intimacy, there is no marriage. Without intimacy there can be no depth of relationship.
2. sharon for PM
(09.02.05)
3. I suggest you become informed.....
Amoeba ,   us   (09.02.05)
Sharon, your vitriol is ignorant and offensive. To Ilana Messer and Dr Michal Zaidas---you both could also benefit from a little education on this issue as you are both wrong. I suggest all three of you go to www.asexuality.org and check out the AVEN site for correct information. (btw, there are almost 5,000 registered users on that site). Hopefully you will learn something....
4. Too much sex is a kind of emotional impotence
Epitome Hawke ,   Philadelphia   (09.02.05)
“The abstinence from sex is a kind of emotional impotence. They are people with deep performance anxiety and prefer not trying at all. Slowly, the body gets used to this and adapts itself.”” Some people who avoid sex may be ‘emotionally impotent’, but many sexually active people are also. Many people have sex all the time but are unable to commit to a relationship or who can’t/won’t open up emotionally to anyone for fear of failing. “The main reason for avoiding sexual relations is the fear of failing.” This isn’t saying ‘most people who don’t have sex are afraid’ – it says rather than anyone who doesn’t want to have sex must have fear of failure as their main reason. What study has shown this to be true? It used to be that waiting until marriage to have sex was respected and even now with diseases and unwanted pregnancies, it makes sense to be careful… Also, it is a biological fact that as we age our sexual interests can wane. So if there are many valid reasons to not have sex and there is a scale of sexual interest that changes… why the alarm? A lack of sexual interest and pursuit of sexual relationship is only odd if you spend your life obsessed with physical pleasure or a belief that sex = love. I’m not saying all sexually actove people have some ‘problem’ they should get fixed – be what you are if it makes you happy. But if you project your needs and desires on others of us who are quite content and don’t subscribe to sex as a necessity, you are going to run the risk of looking like you are desperate to justify your own behavior.
5.  3. who wrote I suggest you become informed.....
Sharon ,   Ohio   (09.02.05)
I suggest you read everything the wrong way. Wonder why? Well that is for you to discover not me. Perhaps you should shelve your preconceived anger and re-read the article with an open mind. Asexuality is not a bad thing. Who said it was? One must love their own body. In order to love another body one must love themselves. As for self pleasure, who said that was wrong? Beyond that, the truest benefit of a NORMAL HEALTHY relationship of TWO PEOPLE is in the pleasure one can bring to their partner and visa versa. Plain and simple. Anything less is selfish! If not repaired it is a sure way to destroy a relationship. If one wants to be in a two way relationship 'Sex is one of the cogs which turns the wheel to insure smooth running.' Can't have electricity without plugging in the socket. Not if you want light that is. Simple as that. There are many aspects and levels to a healthy relationship. If any are lacking it must be fixed. If not fixed the relationship is not legitimate and it suffers. Sex included! This was the thesis of the author and certainly mine as well. Bottom line: If something breaks or does not work well and is worth fixing, it not only benefits the one who fixes it but those who use it as well. We live in an era of me, me me! How can any relationship work on that dead end premise? BTW: This article had nothing to do with sex for one or sex for the wrong reasons or sex drives run rampant. And what I have written twice now is about two people in a realtionship.
6. #4 it is not about me, myself & I....
Sharon ,   Ohio   (09.02.05)
Epitome Hawke wrote: be what you are if it makes you happy. We are talking about COUPLES. Not one person! It is not about the happiness of one but of two. Again, this has nothing to do with obsessivness or over indulgence. We are talking about the yawns! The me only matters! We are talking about gritting ones teeth if only once a month not every day or three times a day! Keep the picture in perspective. We are a civilization of me and excuses. In either direction to one degree or another that is bad. This can not work in any aspect of human co-existence. No excuse is valid for two healthy people. And yes, marriages go on and people do manage to stay together but with a gigantic hole. No matter how many excuses are made that hole can not be covered up, filled in or replaced with other things. And what a damn pitty just because one person is too selfish to change or seek help.
7. Sharon's already PM
Shimon ,   London   (09.02.05)
8. To Sharon, #1,#5, #6
Amoeba ,   US   (09.03.05)
I see you have chosen to remain uninformed. You stated, "Asexuality is not a bad thing. Who said it was?" Who? YOU DID! I quote from your comments regarding asexuals: "spoiled babies", "misguided non sexual malcontents", "stop fooling themselves and get help", "inner problem", "how pathetic", "sexually backwards individuals", "lying to themselves", "selfish", "fear of intimacy", etc., etc. Again, I suggest you visit www.asexuality.org to enlighen yourself on this issue. There you will find thousands of people who DO NOT fit your preconceived ideas. What exactly is "pathetic", "selfish", "backwards", etc. about two people in a mutually agreed upon asexual relationship? A relationship rich with committment, love, respect, honor, affection, (and yes, children, if they chose) as well as a very deep emotional and spiritual connection. And yes, intimacy! These couples experience a very intense intimacy based on an extremely strong emotional and spiritually loving bond, that is not dependant on sex. Just because asexuals are a minority, it does NOT mean we are "broken" and need to "get help". For asexuals, real intimacy does not depend on inserting "tab A into slot B".
9. To both Sharon and Amoeba
Dalton ,   US   (09.03.05)
First off, to Amoeba, I agree with everything you have just said, in #8. Sharon, I believe there is something that you do not understand: Sex does NOT EQUAL LOVE. Sure, sex CAN be a PART of a loving relationship, but it is not NECESSARY. I do see what you are saying in that you believe that it is selfish to make up excuses to not have sex if you are in a relationship with a sex-driven partner, but that actually is not the case. Asexuals are people who are not interested in sex, period. Not too tired, or too busy. It's just that they are not interested in sex, and they are not sexually attracted to anyone. Therefore, they will not make up excuses like "I'm too tired" or "I'm too busy", they just won't get involved with a sexaholic in the first place. But just because you don't have sex with someone, it does NOT mean that you do not love them. And you don't have to have sex with someone for a relationship to "be complete", unless one or both partners are sexual. Any asexual would have the sense to not get involved with someone who thinks that sex is love. If they think that, then any asexual with common sense would want nothing to do with them. Once more, I do see your point on people who really do make up excuses not to have sex, but again, that is not the case with asexuality, as asexuals just aren't interested and don't want to have sex.
10. There are 2 issures here
AB   (09.05.05)
1. Asexual people - who have never been interested in sex 2. Sexual people who are tired of compromising on meaningless casual sex, and thus find themselves avoiding sex for long periods. I belong in the second group. I think that there is nothing abnormal in preferring good masturbation to bad sex. Perhaps people like me are slow in enterring a relationship, but it does not mean we are emotionally disabled or anxious. I don't know much about the asexuals, but I feel that the "experts" don't know much about them either, and that the theories given here are baseless. If people feel fine with who they are, I don't see why "experts" have to come up with theories that can only hurt people.
11. you're getting very close to Judaism
yehuda ,   new york   (09.05.05)
All these complaints seem to be leading to only one conclusion: traditional "taharas hamispocha". by confining sex to the one partner you really trust and depend on, enough to marry, and then limiting sex to only certain parts of the month, in an atmosphere of not only real intimacy, but holliness as well, all the so-called problems mentioned in your article and posts (about boredom, meaninglessness, etc.) go away! And even better, whatever the partners thought beforehand, when they finally do have kids, they become the happiest and most important thing in their lives!
12. to all of you
tony ,   paris   (09.05.05)
SEX AND LOVE ???Whats the connection,?Whats love got to do with it? NONE.SEX is when we are all heated up,panting with envie,for men we get (excuse milady's)erections woman they get flushes & their tetons stand up,also heavy breathing occurs,imaginations start running wild,and its all so achingly fantastic.and it can also be a one night thing .Now LOVE, Is also something like what Iv'e just said ,but on a rather different scale.We get rather romantic ,we see things for the first time ,actually things that were here all the time;but falling in love with somebody,brings out the coochy smooching ,hand holding,eyelash; blinking heart throbing,feeling that sex does not bring.Now we come to the Asexuals,these are perfectly normal people,who work ,have families,& do what "normal" people do?Only,sex is not an important facter in their lives.If both ,in the relationship agree on the no sex thing,then we have game set & match,but if it is one sided,then we might have a slight problem,Because if the Asexual in the couple,does not content his/her partener,then Dear Abby will be very busy.Some one who is "normal sexualy"can get very frustrated living with an Asexual partener?But if IT's LOVE.Then a bit of hugin' and kissin'will sure make a lot of difference,and the rest we'll leave to your imaginations. So what I sugest is that from now on,we all love one another,and if that heavy breathing hot,flush,thing occurs,then,be my guest. Life is too short to miss out on such a gift ,from mother nature.
13. Married 40 years.
Sarah and David ,   Israel   (09.05.05)
Never heard such a bunch of excuses in our entire lives as what we read here in readers comments. For all of you who have gone off on a tangent this article has nothing at all to do with nymphomaniacs, sexual addicts or forced sex. And the only one who made any sense about normal middle of the road sex was Sharon. Wonder what would happen if there was a fine for every excuse made?? My advice. People who do not like to give and take should not be in relationships. This is not only true of sex but every other aspect of a relationship of two not one. If two people enjoy living a sexless life with only the idea of possible sex to procreate, go for it. You are far and few between. The statistics of a forever relationship of one sexually dysfunctional partner and the other with 'normal' sexual desires is very slim. The ramifications of such a relationship is far reaching. Soon their will be a syndrome and excuse for every single aspect of living. This way no one needs to confront themselves or those with whom they share life. So be it. As for us we know the recipe for success of TWO PEOPLE. The pleasure of making it and then partaking in it together defies all the excuses in the world. Sex for one is for one. NEVER TWO.
14. No excuse is valid for two SEXUAL people.
Epitome   (09.05.05)
Sharon: "No excuse is valid for two healthy people." A healthy asexual does not need an excuse - other than not wanting to. It may mean the end of a relationship with a sexual because against your assumptions, asexuals do realize that many healthy sexuals 'need' sex or they don't feel right. (not all though - some are content to go celibate) Sharon: "We are talking about COUPLES. Not one person! It is not about the happiness of one but of two. " First off - I am a married asexual and I do have sex with my husband... and he understands sometimes I just can't get over the 'not wanting to' feeling I have and he is fine. We are happy, we struggle at times, but we compromise. It's not just about HIS happiness, it's about mine as well. And quite frankly, because we look for other things besides sex to do special together we don't RELY ON IT... as so many sexuals do to 'fix' their sucky relationships. I can't tell you how many sexuals I have heard about staying in a relationship because of sexual attraction when there was very little else they liked about that person. This is healthy? This is happy? "And what a damn pitty just because one person is too selfish to change or seek help. " You are so arrogant and presumptuous! Maybe the sexual needs to change and seek help so he/she doesn't rely on sexual intercourse to feel loved! As others have said - asexuality isn't something that can be 'fixed'... If we are in a relationship with a sexual I believe do need to compromise to find something that works for BOTH parties (not just the sexual) BUT it's not like we're going to go to therapy or take some pill and all of a sudden have sexual attraction. Perhaps you need to put yourself in our position a bit. Think about the people that you are NOT attracted to. Be it men, women, too fat, too skinny etc... whatever turns you off. Now imagine the world was full of those kinds of people. THAT"S what it's like to be asexual. Because the concept of asexuality isn't that well known people like yourself continue to pressure those of us uninterested in sex or who have no sexual attraction into trying it, or entering into sexual relationships hoping to get fixed. Instead, we should allow asexuals to be themselves - to have the relationships they want - and if they chose to enter into a relationship with a sexual then yes, there must be compromised. BUT two asexuals can have a relationship without sex and co-exist quite contently.
15. To Sarah & David
Sharon ,   Ohio   (09.06.05)
Mazel Tov. May you enjoy many more years of togetherness. Sexual dysfunction is exactly that, a dysfunction. If two people can function together under those conditions having 'like mind' and 'mutual' understanding there is nothing at all wrong with it. Sadly however this is a very small minority. In the real world relationships are ruined because of sexual dysfunction in 'normal relationships.' Remember, we are not talking about unhealthy sexual behaviors. In the real world selfishness abounds simply because one has healthy desires and the other is void of it. Pity. No marriage or relationship should suffer under those circumstances. Problem is according to valid psychiatric statistics, sexual dysfuntion among two people becomes an an overwhelming tragedy of one sort or another. Again, 'normal' sexual appetite is healthy. Sexual dysfunction is not. When a person of 'normal' sexual appetite meets up with a person of sexual dysfunction it is like mixing oil and water. Again, like Sarah and David I am not talking about abnormal sexual appetite or deviant sexual behaviors. nor have I ever in any of my comments. It is a fact that in relationships sexual desire both ebbs and flows. But the overriding principal is both people enjoy sex and respect those times of ebb and flow. It is mutual respect not one person feeling regected and alone for no reason other then having a desire as basic as drinking water.
16. Epitome
Sharon ,   Ohio   (09.06.05)
you wrote: BUT two asexuals can have a relationship without sex and co-exist quite contently. No one not once said this is not possible! Then you went on to say: "Instead, we should allow asexuals to be themselves " Who said they should not be? They can be together and proud of who they are. But it simply seldom works in a relationship where one is asexual and the other is of healthy sexual orientation. 99 percent of those relationships end in disaster. For those that do not end they are very sad relationships indeed. you wrote: "and if they chose to enter into a relationship with a sexual then yes, there must be compromised." The one to compromise is the one of normal sexual desire. Otherwise it is a yawn and gritting of ones teeth. There is no pleasure in that. Which Epitome is why I said asexuals should not enter in relationships with those of a normal healthy sex drive. There are thousands upon thousands of statistics to prove it. For those that have found themselves committed because of children they throw themselves into other things but always justifiably feeling deprived and rejected. What happened with the comments here is that a few people felt threatened without carefully reading the content. End of subject.
17. I see we have more candidates for PM
(09.06.05)
Lets be un-asexual and have a 6 some eh? what you think? Me, my girlfriend, sharon (somewhere on top no doubt) and david and sarah, and amoeba Nice one! GET A GRIP PEOPLE! If people want to be asexual, die their hair bright pink, or whatever else they want to be or do and they are happy what do you care? Jeez luweez Take a chill pill and sharon you can come over and shag me anyday babe ;) Sharon for PM!!
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