I have a surprise for you, I told Efrat two weeks ago. For the first time in our lives we are invited to a New Year’s Eve party. Not just that, but the party is being given in the home of a well known singer, and maybe according to reliable sources a well know female vocalist who just released a new CD that is selling very well, will stop by.
It could be a lot of fun, said Efrat about as enthusiastically as a gravedigger, but we’ll have to worry about a babysitter and who will replace her when it gets too late and she needs to go home. How am I going to get there if you are going there directly from your Tel Aviv meeting? Will I be too tired for my presentation the next day at work? Do the rabbis allow us to celebrate Sylvester? Will the food there be kosher enough? Who are the other guests?
Tell me, I asked Efrat after that long speech, is it just me or are you really psyched for this?
The truth is, admitted Efrat finally, that I don’t really want to come. It’s a problem for me. But for me it is really important, I thought to myself, it’s an evening I could really enjoy. From the professional point of view, there will important people there that I will be able to meet. I understand that it’s complicated for you, I said, but I am really asking you to make the effort for me.
You know what, Efrat decided, you go by yourself. Yes!!! I yelled. Excuse me, said Efrat, what did you say? I said, well, going alone really sucks. It’s annoying and a waste of time for me. Without you I won’t have fun but on the other hand if there is no choice… I see, said Efrat. If it’s so disappointing for you, why don’t we both stay home and watch television?
But I want to go I whined in the voice of an abandoned puppy. Really want to go. You want to go without me, Efrat asked, a suspicious tone to her voice. Heaven forbid, I thought. I want to go only with you and I think that if you love me, you need to make the effort to come. Okay, Efrat responded. I am ready to come, but know that I am not doing this to have fun, I won’t. I am only doing this for you.
Efrat, I said, I am so grateful you are consenting to come but if that is your attitude, then it's better to stay home. Why, asked Efrat. Because I love you and I wouldn’t want to drag you to a party where you would be bored. Oh, my sweet, you are the best, the way you look after me. Maybe you are still interested in me making the effort to get to the party?
I would be delighted, I thought, but only if you really want to. If you don’t want to and are doing it only for me, then no. You know what, Efrat answered, the best thing would be for you to go alone. Okay, I said to her, that is what I will do, regretfully of course but maybe it is better that way.
Maybe I will come with you. I would rather not be alone at midnight on Sylvester. But it’s a Gentile holiday, I said. True, Efrat responded, but I am afraid of being alone. So you want me to stay home and finished with it? Sweetie, if you want to go to the party then we’ll both go. I can suffer one night, nothing will happen.
But I am more interested in you being happy than in my own happiness. But I will be happy only if you are happy and you will be happy if you go to the party, so we’ll go. But you’ll be miserable Efrat. So go alone. But alone won’t make me happy. So stay with me. But that surely won’t make me happy.
I don’t remember exactly what happened next but I do remember myself on the floor and Efrat was splashing cold water on my face. I fainted I guess.
Listen, she whispered, as she helped me to get up, we need to find a compromise. The situation seems very fragile. Let’s consult with a reputable mediator even if it costs us a little money and maybe he’ll give us the tools to solve problems like this in the future.
What you two need, the mediator said to me on the phone, is to find a compromise but it is important that you find it alone. If so, I told him then the NIS 200 (USD 50) that you charge you’ll have to find alone too.
Listen, the mediator said, the compromise has to come from the two of you but I told you what the secret is: A good compromise is one that the two sides arrive at equally, for better or worse. If only one side to the dispute is satisfied or dissatisfied, then it’s not a good compromise.
What is important is that the compromise evens out the situation for the couple. Both of them have to be satisfied or dissatisfied equally. A real compromise can be painful but what is crucial is that the pain be equally distributed.
If Efrat comes to the party with me, I told the mediator I will be happy but she will not If I stay at home she will be happy but I won’t be. So we are at an impasse. That is true, said the mediator, it really looks like no solution will please the two of you. So maybe you need to proceed to the second option.
It wasn’t much fun but I guess that in life you do need to know how to compromise. On the night of Sylvester I watched Israeli sitcoms on cable television and Efrat went to the party trying to find someone to talk to. We both suffered but the important thing is that the relationship is blooming.
RSS
