Voices in my head
Everyone has these voices they hear from time to time; voices that disturb the peace. Chanoch Daum introduces a few
1
Everyone has voices they hear from time to time; voices that disturb the peace, voices that shake tranquility.
2
One person hears a voice that says a job lay off is imminent. There is no real reason to worry. He’s been there many years and things are going well. But from time to time something gets into him and causes him to worry he is going to be fired. All it takes is one meeting to which he is not invited, one rumor about some new employee hired from outside the company or one mistake he makes, for him to believe that something is about to happen.
He becomes obsessed with this fear thinking about what will happen, how he will have to hunt for a new job, how to tell his wife he was fired and how will he be able to look after his children. He already feels the loss of having no job, experiences it every time the anxiety hits, every time the voice in his head returns. One can assume that his job is safe but the anguish of being fired is constantly with him.
3
Another person hears voices that tell him he is just ordinary and does not excel at anything. He is okay, average, dull. He has no fire. He doesn’t mean anything to anyone. He might as well not have been born. Nothing so terrible would have happened. It’s not that his life is so bad but the voice makes him wonder if having an okay life is enough justification for living. Is all this effort, financially, professionally, for the family worth just being one of many? Isn’t this life like a contest he has no chance of winning and if so, is taking part really so important?
4
Another person hears voices that tell him the phone call he missed was important, dramatic phone call that could have changed his life. The number was blocked and maybe he torments himself thinking that maybe on the other end was the proposal he’s been waiting for, the one that will change his life and make him very wealthy, happier, more influential.
He knows that if they really want him then they will call again. He also knows very well that chances are the call was from his uncle’s accountant but somewhere in his brain he hears a small nagging voice that tells him there is a possibility the phone call was a one time opportunity he missed by not answering.
5
Another one hears voices that tell him the letter in the mail, the registered one, is from the bank, income tax or the army. It is a letter portending disaster or tragedy, a letter one would prefer not receiving. It’s a letter that maybe one should not open, one that will drag him into some major problem. Maybe it’s a huge debt owed to some municipality, a call for him to do two years of army reserve duty or some class action suit for who the devil knows what.
He knows the registered letter is surely a routine matter. He knows rationally that he has nothing to fear but something about this registered letter with its stamp from the income tax authority, or the Tel Aviv municipality stirs up an irrational fear in him. The voice gets louder telling him uh-oh; here it is, the moment that everything in your life changes.
6
Someone else hears voices that tell him not to show his weaknesses. He knows that everyone has them and he knows that everyone carries some fear or pain. He also remembers how he responded to people who told him how difficult things were for them. But the small voice tells him to be careful, circumspect, not to tell. The voice tells him to keep his hardships to himself, his anxieties and fears in check. This caution isolates him. He desperately needs to share, to free himself but the nagging inner voice tells him to keep to himself. The voice cuts him off from the world.
7
Another hears a voice that tells him he’s not a good enough husband, and not a good enough man, not a good enough parent, a good enough citizen or Jew. The voice attacks him whenever he has had success or some kind of personal or professional achievement, receives a compliment and feels empowered.
That is when the voice follows him and asks: but have you spoken with the children? Have you bought a present for the wife? Is your army reserve duty with a fighting unit? He knows he is allowed to succeed and have fun but the voice continues to pester him, assaulting his conscience and ruining any happiness he achieves.
8
Another hears voices that tell him he is weak. Actually he is weak. Maybe he has strength for a short time but as soon as someone a little better comes along, he will be forgotten and nothing will help. The voice he hears is devious because it doesn’t argue. It just says that everything is temporary and this too shall pass. Maybe this is a good day but tomorrow, who knows what will be tomorrow. And even if that tomorrow never arrives, and even if the voice is wrong, it has spoiled any enjoyment to be derived from today.
9
Another hears voices that tell him the child’s cough is more than just winter flu (and flu passes quickly, but the boy has been coughing for two days).
The voice says the red eyes mean infection, and not just from a lack of sleep and the fact that the boy doesn’t run like Carl Lewis indicates weak bones, something demanding immediate and comprehensive examination, including a CT scan. He knows the kids are healthy, thank God, but there is that voice that tells him to check that the baby is really sleeping and not lying dead from SIDS.
The children are healthy, but the inner voice won’t let him enjoy it at all.
10
Everyone has these voices he hears from time to time, voices that disturb his peace. Everybody hears one from time to time. The problem is that I hear them all, all the time.
Good God
Regarding the Herzliya Conference, young Mr Daum, you can stop worrying, I wasn’t invited either. You just go there and you get a badge at the entrance.
