When I break down, I ask her to leave me

Carrie Philips has been with me for as long as I can remember. I always find myself attracted to problematic women. They were always beautiful, charming, and intelligent, but they got me in trouble. I always made sure to choose the wrong ones. And Carrie? She is the same, but she picked me

Reuters | Published: 07.13.07, 13:40

They say there are no atheists in the trenches. I never knew if I had faith, perhaps I deceived myself thinking I was an atheist.

When I was young I used to believe. After all, humans need something to hold on to, to cry to at night, and thank on moments of joy. As I grew up, my faith weakened. Maybe I refused, and still do, to believe in a higher being, merciful and compassionate that determines destinies. I will not accept the fact that my path has been predetermined by someone else. I am the master of my fate - I always was and always will be.

But sometimes, just sometimes, at night, I wonder if there is someone there who'll listen to my tears.

I always find myself attracted to problematic women. They were always beautiful, charming, and intelligent, but they got me in trouble. I always made sure to choose the "wrong" ones carefully. In the eternal, internal conflict between the logic and the emotions, emotion always won. And Carrie? She is the same, only she picked me.

Carrie Philips has been with me for as long as I can remember. She's in my memories but I can't see her. That's how it always was.

When I'm with friends, she is there watching me

I still wonder how real she is. She's in my memories, in my dreams, in my hopes and my breaking points. When I'm with friends, she is there watching me. Every once in a while she'll smile as she sees what type of person I turned out to be.

She is invisible but her effect on me is obvious. She can't be touched or hurt – but when it hurts, we're both in pain.

We have a love-hate relationship. We've had our ups and downs. Like a never ending sinus wave. When the day comes that our wave will lose its curvature, it'll be the time to burry me in the ground. And until that day we will be together.

We're together every day. By her side I learn and I grow stronger and better. Learning from my mistakes, internalizing that life is no picnic. But, who wants to internalize that? We all miss the innocence of childhood; the illusion the world is good. The warm caressing feelings of the womb.

Damn the womb.

We're inseparable, and every day together is a struggle. She compiles obstacles that I try to overcome.

She teases and insults me and I remain indifferent. At times, in my low points, I ask her to leave me, to set me free, to never show her face again.

I can ask till I'm blue in the face, till the end of time, till my hair turns white, but she will never go. She's there – molding my personality, using tears to soften the rock and curve my destiny.

I try to understand her but she is too complex. Women are too complex. Finally, after 20 years I deciphered the code: she feels no sorrow, pain or regret. She even shared a wish with me.

Like a ghost she wants to be what she is not – to be materialized for a couple of minutes and give me hug, a hopeful hug.

Carrie Philips – Wherever I go your initials are curved in my flesh, my heart, my mind. My love, CP.