Summer with my son
Yair Lapid tries to do things with his son over the summer vacation. What things? Father and son things
Liori, come over here. No I won’t come there, I am your father and if I call you, you need to come. Why? Because. Ever since fathers and children were created, we sit on the couch in undershirts and shorts and children come to us.
Who invented the undershirt? Someone who had no money to add sleeves. No, I don’t know his name. What do you mean a friend of Kirby? Who’s Kirby? A pink cartoon character? Since when do boys care about pink? Yeah, I know you heard me and no I am not homophobic. I am trying to have a chat with the boy. Excuse me? No, no, I heard you loud and clear. I am only asking myself if they teach you anything in school. Homosexuals are guys who like guys and I want you to know that it is perfectly okay and I have no problem with that. Kirby also likes boys? I am glad to hear it. Maybe that is why he is pink. I am asking you again to come over here. I am glad to hear that Kirby can fly. If you don’t shut off the TV you will also learn how to fly in a minute.
I am not yelling at him, you are yelling at me. Once a year I try to have a serious talk with the boy and already I am doing something wrong? Well, excuse me. If I wanted to hear a lecture on education I would have signed up for a university course. Lior again you are watching TV. You don’t like it when we quarrel? Mommy and Daddy aren’t quarreling, we are discussing. She didn’t yell. She has a hereditary problem with her vocal chords. How do I know it’s hereditary? Ask your grandfather how your grandmother yells at him.
What have you inherited from me? I don’t know but if you don’t get over here in 10 seconds you will inherit my shorts and undershirt because I will have a heart attack from all this tension. How I’m talking to the boy? Anyway I want to. It’s not going to stress him out. At his age there is no stress. That only happens after you get married.
To see it again? Why do you want to see it again? I didn’t say that I don’t like Kirby. I simply don’t know him. I don’t care if he is insulted. In any case I spend the whole day apologizing in this house. I have no intention of saying I am sorry to a cartoon. Why are you crying? What do you mean grandpa is going to die? No one has ever died because your grandma yelled at him or at least there’s no evidence. I want you to focus because I want to ask you an important question. How do I know it’s important? How do you know it isn’t? I am childish? You don’t think it’s childish of you to stand there and act as if you are not listening to us? If you aren’t listening then how come you keep butting in?
Don’t you dare leave; I am talking to you. Yes, I am talking to her and when I am done I will talk to you. I have no problem talking to two people at once. No you cannot watch Kirby in the meantime.
I just want to ask you a simple question. What are your plans for this summer? If there is something I an not ready to hear it is that you intend to lay around for two months in front of the television watching Kirby. No, sitting is not acceptable either. Why not? Because children your age need to be doing other things. I knew you would ask that but if you would let me finish a sentence, maybe I would reach the same conclusion by myself.
Sit here I told you. Lior, I want you to know that this vacation we are going to do things together. What things? Father and son things. This is a chance for us and I want to take advantage of it. What does that mean? Whatever you want. Tell me what you want us to do together and we will do it. No, I don’t mean watching Kirby with you and if I hear the word Kirby again I am going to donate the television to the poor. How would they hook it up? I have no idea. I am asking you for the last time to focus on the subject.
The subject is you and me. Let’s put our heads together. After all you are an intelligent kid except for the C+ you got in Bible. What do you think we can do together without your mom? No, I am not going to give your mother to the poor, they suffer enough already.
For example, we could go play soccer in the park. You’ll be goalkeeper and I’ll kick to you. No, I can’t be goalkeeper. I am too old to dive for the ball. No, you can’t bring all your friends from school. If I wanted to spend time with your friends I would open up a day camp. How long would we play? As long as we want. Did you near me say we have to play soccer all summer? We’ll play for a half-hour and then we’ll come back. It’s really hot out anyway. What will we do with the rest of the two months? That is why I am talking to you now, in order to find something that we both enjoy doing, something that belongs to us alone.
Talking? Talking is great. Look, we are sitting here having a conversation. You have nothing you want to talk about with me? You see, now I’m insulted. Surely we have what to talk about. Who is your favorite athlete, Thunderman? What team is he on? Oh, he’s a wrestler with the WWF. Why do you watch that nonsense, you know it’s all staged? I am not calling Thunderman a fake. I know it’s not nice to call people names but if someone doesn’t want people to call him names he shouldn’t call himself Thunderman.
How do you feel about going fishing? What do you do when you are fishing? Like now, only without mom eavesdropping behind the door. Yes, I know that fish die from it but that is only because they have no air. Why do they have no air when we pull them out of the water into the air? Good question. No, my father did not take me fishing. He was busy. Why aren’t I busy? I am busy. I am just trying to create some special quality time with you. Why is it called quality time? So that it is clear that it ends soon. What difference does it make when it will end?
I have an idea. What do you think about locking the door so that your mom can’t get in, turning up the air conditioning and watching a little Kirby together?
