The Shame-Blame Syndrome
Tamar Milshtein says time has come for Israelis to overcome deep-rooted Jewish guilt
Jewish guilt dates back a long way. Who doesn't remember his Jewish mother telling him at least once, "finish off your plate," and that you should be so lucky not to starve like those African refugees from the Biafra region in southeast Nigeria, who were "fondly" referred to as "Biafras" by the best Israeli mothers.
If you were so fortunate as to grow up in Israel in the 1970s, you heard that sentence quite often (whether by your mother or by your friend's mother.) Not that my belly was ever bloated because I lacked food; on the contrary - I've always been “round.”
As I bask in the glory of Israeli politics and reports about heads of state rolling in the mud, I ask myself: How did we come to this? What is it about us that makes everyone else around want to hang their problems on our flimsy shoulders like a bunch of old hats on a coat rack?
In the olden days in Europe, Jews seemed to attract the envy of the local countrymen by being too rich, too educated, too successful, and too shrewd. Even Shakespeare alluded to that when he wrote "The Merchant of Venice." Do we have to pay such a heavy price for being the "good kid?" Will the” bully" (also known as the Palestinians) forever be the subject of interest, pity, and aid because he make enough noise while the "good kid" takes the bullet?
If we could muster enough courage to "fight off" our mothers trying to "put the shame-blame syndrome" on us, why can't we do the same as a nation when Iran, Syria, Hizbullah, Lebanon, Hamas, Fatah, Iraq – you name it – try to blame us, the "Zionist regime" for all the hardships and suffering of the Middle East?
The shame part of the equation kicks in when the European Union sits on the sidelines cheering for terrorists seeking liberation and waving a long reprimanding finger at us – all at once, our childhood picture fades in, focused and crystal clear: It's our mother's warning finger and cross face, telling us off once again – and we sheepishly sneak out, waiting for the storm to subside.
Being a 37-year-old Israeli-American (and a Jewish mother) who spent a decade in the US and experienced first-hand the feeling of being a Diaspora Jew, I have lived through and watched Israel take the blame time and time again, beating itself for all its wrongdoings, all the while losing soldiers, mothers, fathers and children in endless wars and terror attacks, thinking that “if only Rabin wasn't assassinated we would have achieved peace by now" – yet always reaching out for the other side, ridden by our guilty conscience.
Enough with this 'Mea Culpa' business
Now, just like an adult who eventually sorts out his mother-daughter or mother-son issues (whether alone or by seeking professional help) and stops taking the blame – even if it means cutting yourself off from some of your relatives – you realize that you cannot continue this self-fulfilling prophecy, this shame-blame cycle for the rest of your life. Or if you do, you'll be eternally miserable.The Palestinians bite the hand that feeds them. We never asked to be that hand, and have been trying for the past few decades to cut ourselves off from them so we can stop being abused and abusing. Every time we tried to call the “relationship” off, it only fired back at us. I'm starting to seriously doubt whether we can ever have peace with the Palestinian Authority; certainly not while Hamas has the decisive power over the people.
I actually believe we can make peace with Syria and Lebanon – on condition that their heads of state finally disengage from the terror strongholds in their countries.
But if we want to get there sooner rather than later, and reach a safe haven in the end, we must stop blaming ourselves and taking the blame most of the world seems to be putting on us. We can no longer be driven by the shame-blame syndrome if we want to achieve long-lasting results in our region.
Enough with this 'Mea Culpa' business; it's time for self-acceptance and compassion.
Tamar Milshtein is a Ynetnews editor
