The sexual attraction to men was in me from a young age, but I managed to suppress it during my first years. I explained to myself it was okay. Even the fact that I wasn't attracted to women at all didn't make me acknowledge the bitter truth. When I was 18 I finally realized that if those are my feelings, and those are my acts, it only means one thing – that I'm sexually attracted to men.
At first I was in shock. I didn't know what to do. I felt I was alone in the world with this problem, and that I can't tell anyone about it.
I didn't want to be attracted to men. I wanted to be like everybody else. I wanted to lead a normal life. Get married, raise a family and continue observing Torah and mitzvot, which I loved so much. On the other hand, the attraction to men seemed to me so natural and real. A romantic relationship with a guy was so appealing to me – it seemed like the most joyful experience. But in reality, this attraction only hurt me.
The more I pursued it and the more I tried to be sexually satisfied, the more this inclination strengthened.
I became obsessive about warmth and touch. I became addicted to a man's embrace. I could see how I was selling myself for a passing feeling, for a passion that could never be fulfilled. My entire routine revolved around this attraction – I kept searching and looking. Many of the men I met aroused me and caused me to fantasize, and I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I couldn't live with this attraction, but I also couldn't live without it.
I went to see a psychologist and he told me I should start thinking about women, and do all sorts of forbidden things with them. I felt as if I was forcing myself to do things, and the thought that this is how I'm going to spend the rest of my life really brought me down. I started alienating myself from my surrounding, I barely ate or spoke, I felt so bad that I thought God almighty didn't want me anymore.
I left the psychologist. I thought that if I get married, this attraction would go away. I went out with many girls, but failed to connect with any one of them. The years have passed and my attraction only became stronger. I was losing hope and wanted to put an end to my life.
The turning point in my life came when I got to Atzat Nefesh, a hotline for youth in distress, where I found a loving, supportive place. I joined the workshop "Journey into manhood," where I met, for the first time, people who were struggling with the same issues. Suddenly I wasn't alone in the world. I discovered a new, healthy approach to my problem. I realized I wasn't sick or a pervert, that I was only looking for the warmth and love I never had, and that there were proper, healthy ways to fulfill this need.
I found out that when I feel good about myself, I'm not attracted to men at all. I realized that the sexual attraction wasn't my real problem, but only the symptom.
We all left the workshop feeling elated, relieved, free and overjoyed. I continued meeting with the other members of the support group. We went through emotional processes together and became a supportive, enabling family.
The real transformation happened during therapy sessions with a clinical psychologist that Atzat Nefesh referred me to. I started returning to my true self, learned how to live right, to create healthy, positive relationships. I found out that my masculinity and my wholeness were inside me, and that I didn't have to look for them in other places. I rebuilt my relationship with myself, my parents, brothers and friends. I finally also found my princess, who later became my wife.
Today all this is behind me. I'm no longer attracted to men at all. Even men I used to be attracted to don't excite me anymore. I'm attracted to women, and especially to my wife. I live a good, fulfilling life and I'm happy with where I am. It's fun to get up in the morning and see my beloved wife and cute kids by my side. I feel that the transformation I have undergone is true, profound and pure. And I'm thankful for it every day.
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