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Yes, romantic love is important

Rabbi Brackman says that shared values are not only component needed to make Orthodox marriage work, but rather love, compatibility and ability to respect spouse are recipe for successful marriage

Interestingly, there has been a push in some sectors of the Orthodox Jewish community for young men to get married at a very young age. Jewish tradition suggests that the age of eighteen is the age of marriage. In line with this, rabbis are suggesting that young men get married at the age of nineteen or twenty.

 

This is not the forum to discuss the rights and wrongs of this idea. Recently, however, I read an article by one of the major proponents of early marriage for young men. At its core, it is an argument that has been made by many other proponents of arranged marriages.

 

They say that common values are what are needed for a successful marriage. They argue that romantic love will always fade. If there are no common values, however, then the marriage will die together with the death of romantic love. They bring the high divorce rate in the United States in order to support their argument.

 

This is a flawed argument, of course, because values often also change with time. This is especially the case when a person gets married at a very young age. If an individual’s opinions and, thus, values remain the same at thirty or forty as they were at twenty, it means that he or she has not grown at all.

 

Ultimately, values and opinions are determined by knowledge and maturity. As one gains knowledge and perspective, with age, opinions change and thus do values. Clearly, success in marriage cannot hinge on shared values and opinions.

 

So what is the secret potion necessary for a successful marriage? Attraction and romantic love is certainly important. But of course it’s not enough. One also needs to be personally compatible – the relationship needs to work and flow.

 

The most important component of this is the ability to communicate in a manner that is respectful and appreciative of one another and not egocentric and selfish. No two people will ever have exactly the same view on every topic. How, then, do you behave when you disagree with your spouse? Can you still be respectful and appreciative of each other?

 

We have friends where one spouse is an atheist and the other is deeply religious – they have been married for more than forty years. The level of respect they have for each other is truly inspiring. These two people have mastered what it takes to have a successful marriage, and it is not shared values and opinions. It is the ability to disagree with your spouse and still respect and love them for who they truly are, rather than for who you would like them to be.

 

A study held in the UK last year shows that when couples fight they mostly quarrel about silly, trivial issues of very little importance. Couples that are able to navigate through the small things without getting into ego battles, will also be able to navigate through the big issues such as differences in values, believes and political opinions.

 

This ability to be respectful and decent is what can turn romantic love into its much deeper and more powerful brother: mature life-long soul-mate type love. But without the romantic love and attraction coupled with real compatibility, no amount of common values will help a marriage survive. Thus, one thing seems certain, getting married very young based on shared values alone is certainly not "the" recipe to a happy, long-lasting marriage.

 

 


פרסום ראשון: 08.20.12, 07:56
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