This isn’t my personal invention; there is an organization for people who do not have sex, relationships, or anything other than life itself.
There were periods when the tiger in me was really looking for his true tigress. As long as age is not a problem, it’s easier to compromise and to go with the flow, but as you get older just sex begins to be more complicated, and a relationship is also complicated.
As a person who has been doing intensive personal growth work for the past 15 years - homeopathy, acupuncture, therapeutic touch, intensive exercise, psychology, losing over 100 pounds in a decade - it’s important to me to make clear how disappointed I am with the miserable result.
And then suddenly I realized that most of the time I’m sad to be alone, and it seeps into my personal life, into all the good things I produce for myself and those around me. I came to the realization that I’m a completely normal person, healthy, nice, and completely empathetic to my fellow man, but I’m not finding my tigress, or in prettier language, my queen. My only sin, which is not under my control, is my innocence.
I’ve done personal growth work, and now I need experience. I haven’t succeeded in acquiring experience in the short term, and as time passes it blunts the experience I’ve gained and reinforces my innocence.
Though I know how hard and how good a healthy relationship is, I’ve chosen to be asexual. It’s really a good feeling. I’ve regained control of my life, I’m more active in all the things I do.
Something has opened up and it stimulates my senses, which before were directed toward finding a relationship. Now when I have room, after taking myself off all the dating web sites, with new room in my heart, with a feeling of belonging, it’s possible that I might just meet her by chance, and it will all happen.
Your letter touched my heart and made me want to discuss the issue of asexuality at greater length. But first I will address what you said. In your letter you share with us your pain, your sadness, and your loneliness, as well as your passion and great hope that you’ll succeed in meeting the person you call “my tigress” or “my queen.”
These are not the words of a person who is asexual. These are the words of a person who is disappointed with his attempts to find a relationship. These are the words of a person who has tried very hard to do whatever he can to find his “queen,” but something has not worked out.
You describe how you did “intensive personal growth work,” examined and changed yourself in order to be more attractive, in order to be chosen, but you’ve remained alone.
I'd like to say a few words to you: It’s very important to change, but is this the real answer to the difficulty of finding a relationship, or are the attempts to change an indication of your difficulty in finding a relationship?
Your difficulty in accepting yourself as you are - your innocence, the empathy you feel for others, and your weight, which you noted you have significantly reduced - are the heart of your problem in finding a relationship. Your assumption that the person you are, if left unchanged, is not enough to allow you to choose, is what causing people not to choose you, and is making it difficult for you to establish a relationship.
You aren’t asexual; you just need to accept what you have, to make your peace with who you are, and that is the only way you’ll be able to find your queen. Only when you allow yourself to recognize and see the king in you will you be able to find your queen. When you allow the tiger in you, a symbol of your passion, to go out and hunt, you’ll be able to find your tigress.
One percent are asexual
In general, the current definition of “asexuality” applies to people who do not feel sexual attraction to another person, man or woman. This is not an official definition, but the self-definition of those who perceive themselves as asexual. There is a dispute among researchers and professionals in the field about whether this is a sexual orientation or a problem with sexual functioning.
The few studies that have been done on people who report that they’ve never felt sexual attraction found that about one percent of the population falls into this category. Because there is no official definition, the current definition is very broad, and there are differences among those who call themselves asexual.
In 2001 David Jay, a self-described asexual, established the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, a web site that serves as one of the larger online communities on asexuality. The site defines an asexual as “a person who does not experience sexual attraction.”
There is a distinction between asexuals and those who make a conscious decision not to have sex, since asexuals lack sexual desire, while the others do not. The goal of the site is to engender a public discussion on asexuality and to allow the expansion of the asexual community. The community has expanded, and the topic has been discussed on television networks around the world.
Asexuals consider themselves to be people who are oriented this way, just as there are those who are attracted to the opposite sex or the same sex. They reject the claims that asexuality is a manifestation of a problem with sexual functioning, explaining that they do not feel sexual attraction and that this does not cause them distress, which means that this isn’t a problem with sexual functioning.
There are still not enough studies on this subject, and there are many differences among those who define themselves as asexual. It is important to distinguish between people having trouble establishing a relationship and intimacy, and those who define themselves as asexual. It is also important to undertake a careful examination of physiological problems and hormone levels that can affect the sex drive.
Dror Elron is a psychotherapist and sexologist