Assaf Wohl
Photo: Shai Vaknin

The Jewish volcano

Assaf Wohl provides fictional account of global reaction to eruption of Israeli volcano

It was bound to happen one of these days. As we know, the Middle East is a particularly scorching area, with lava and urges always seething below the surface. Everyone knew that one of these days it will erupt, yet nobody imagined it will happen at the heart of the Jewish state.


In the middle of a panel discussion on Israeli television, just when the rightist representative dubbed the leftist rep “traitor” and just before the latter hit back with “fascist,” it suddenly happened. The Achzav volcano, which had been dormant for more than 2,000 years, started smoking again. The Jewish volcanic ashes rose into the air, and a few hours later started to darken states and continents.


At first, nobody noticed. However, a series of stories published in Haaretz and messages sent by groups supported by the New Israel Fund spread word of the disaster worldwide.


The Adalah organization was quick to file a complaint with the International Court of Justice in The Hague. “The ashes that Israel spreads in the air originate in Palestinian land robbed by the Zionists,” the petition read. Meanwhile, a non-profit group called “Geologists for Human Rights” was quickly set up, and an arrest warrant was issued in England and Spain against Environment Minister Gilad Erdan.


“I demand that Mr. Netanyahu immediately freeze all Jewish volcanoes in Judea and Samaria,” the White House spokesman declared on behalf of President Obama. “We reserve the right to develop volcanic capabilities,” declared Ahmadinejad as the Tehran crowd cheered.


Legitimate criticism

Meanwhile, Israel’s ambassador in Berlin was summoned for a talk. “We shall demand clarifications,” the chancellor announced. “The usage of ashes in European skies infringes on the German people’s copyright.”


One condemnation was also issued by the ultra-Orthodox camp. “The Zionist disaster is the result of rabbit-eaters at Kibbutz Ga’ash,” one rabbi declared, after receiving an urgent e-mail from God minutes earlier. Even Judge Goldstone was called in urgently in the middle of the night. Under the influence of the exemption he received from attending his grandson’s bar mitzvah, he submitted a particularly harsh report in the hopes it will also spare him the need to attend his sister’s upcoming wedding.


Next, the UN Security Council was urgently convened. “The Zionist entity blows smoke in the face of the world in order to cover up its crimes,” the Syrian representative muttered in his sleep. Russia’s Putin invited world governments for a tour in his private jet in order to “illustrate the extent of the catastrophe.”


Finally, the British lecturers’ union concluded on its website: “Criticism of the tectonic brutality of the Zionist apartheid regime constitutes legitimate criticism of Israel.”


פרסום ראשון: 04.22.10, 19:31
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