Wedding (Illustration)
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Rabbi Levi Brackman
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The wisdom of arranged marriages
If people would not hire without first checking references, why are they prepared to give themselves body and soul to a stranger without doing the same?
Most modern people frown on the concept of arranged marriages and see it as a primitive and unfair practice. However, based on the current divorce rate in Western countries, the secular method of finding a mate seems to be even less successful. Both systems seem to have failed.
It seems that this type of matchmaking system is actually becoming more in vogue today. There are many dating websites and services that work in a similar way to shidduch dating. A form describing oneself and what one is looking for in a spouse is filled out, and one is then matched with potentially compatible people.
There is, however, a middle way, one that is practiced by traditional Jewish communities the world. It is called shidduch dating. A shadchan is a dating broker or matchmaker and a shidduch is when two people who have been introduced by the shadchan meet and decide whether to get married.
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This system can be seen as replacing the job of the shadchan, who should, ideally, take the time to interview the person and take notes before suggesting a match. In fact traditionally the shadchan may well be a friend who knows both of the parties well.
However before the meeting there is another stage and that is the research. Few people rely on the recommendation of the matchmaker alone. They will contact references to find out as much as possible about the person first, and only when they feel that the person is truly suitable will they actually meet.
Check your references
As a counselor, I will often be consulted by people who have had a number of failed relationships. I suggest to them that next time they meet someone that they feel attracted to they might consider exchanging references as well as phone numbers. They can then research the person’s character and background through their references before deciding whether to date.
I am invariably told that this is unrealistic and that they would lose the date if they even tried. I then ask if they would ever hire someone for an important job without first taking references. The answer is always no. If people would not hire without first checking references, why are they prepared to give themselves body and soul to a stranger without doing the same?
This pinpoints the main problem with conventional dating. People base their relationship on physical attraction and chemistry without first finding out whether the person they are dating is at all suitable for them. Often it is only after having spent many months or even years together that they realize, sadly, that they are not in fact compatible. Many years are wasted on relationships that a little research would have shown to be doomed from the start.
Although the concept of parents pressurizing their children into accepting their choice of marriage partner cannot be positive, there is nonetheless wisdom attached to some elements of this traditional practice.
If, like with an arranged marriage, more people would research their potential partners before dating them, it is likely that the divorce rate would drop dramatically.
Rabbi Levi Brackman is executive director of Judaism in the Foothills and the author of numerous articles on a whole range of topics and issues, many of which can be found on his website .
