New Year resolutions
We should have a happy New Year. A year in which I will think of you at least half of the time that you think about me
1
I am sorry I interrupted your meeting, said Efrat. I just wanted to say that even though I was slightly irritated with you this morning, and at this point it doesn’t really matter why, it’s over and I love you very much, and you’re a terrific husband, and everything is all right, and I hope you have a wonderful new year.
When did something go wrong? I asked.
Forget it, she said, it’s really not important. What is important is that I am over it.
2
Over what, for God’s sake, over what exactly?
3
I am happy that you love me and are no longer mad as you obviously were this morning but I sure would like to know what I did to upset you so I know how to avoid it in the future.Why get into it? She asked. The important thing is that I have forgiven you.
Forgiven me for what? What the hell did I do that you forgive me?
What difference does it make Chanochi?, purred Efrat. The important thing is that I love you now, no?
No! I roared that is NOT the point. Don’t you know that a man would prefer that his wife leave him for a foreign worker than leave him hanging?
4
Is it because I didn’t wear a white shirt on Shabbat? I asked her answering machine. Maybe it's because I didn’t wash the dishes?
You haven’t washed a dish in two weeks, Efrat replied in a text message, but that is not the issue and there is no point in digging further because it’s annoying. The important thing is that I forgive you.
Forgiven me for what? I wrote her angrily, For what? For not bringing the forms home from the bank? Then Efrat called.
Exactly why didn’t you bring the forms from the bank?
So that is why you are mad? I asked.
No, she replied. Truly not.
My brain ready to burst, I said in an explosive tone, and I need to know in spite of what you still love me. I need to know what obstacle you overcame.
Forget it, said Efrat, I told you it was nothing.
If it’s nothing, for crying out loud, why can’t you tell me?
You know what, it doesn’t matter at all, because now I am really mad at you, and you know why? Because sometimes you are simply obsessive.
5
Obsessive! I yelled. You were mad at me because I am obsessive!
That’s not it, said Efrat, and hung up.
6
My text messages flowed like water. Sometimes all a woman has to do to make a man miserable is to tell him she loves him despite his flaws. Is it because I am balding?, I asked. Because I waste money on DVDs of series that you don’t like? Because I forget birthdays? Because when you are not home, I put the kids to bed without baths? Because I don’t brush their teeth? Because instead of putting all the stuff in the storage room as you had asked, I piled it up on the stair landing?
At this point Efrat called again.
Have you gone mad?, she screamed. You didn’t put that stuff in the storage room? You don’t brush the kids teeth? You are truly unreliable you know?
I really can’t be trusted, I yelled. You got mad because I’m unreliable. Nu, at least now you forgive me.
Who’s forgiving, what forgiving, Efrat screamed. Get that stuff into the storage room immediately. That’s not the reason I was mad, pest.
7
Pest???? I pondered quietly; it’s because I’m a pest? Or because I threw out some of the pictures that Aviv drew for us? I know that is shocking, but until we rent an archive, we will have to sort the drawings from time to time.
Chanoch, replied Efrat, you are insufferable, and truthfully I do not remember just why I forgave you this morning.
8
Not so bad, I thought. The important thing is that you remember what made you angry. What was it?
Chanoch, said Efrat, listen up. I am only telling you this because you are so obsessive. It was something really esoteric: This morning I thought that if we would have rented a bed and breakfast in the north, during August, if there hadn’t been a war, you probably would have refused to go on a hike, so I got a little mad, but then I said to myself that you are entitled to indulge yourself in what you want to do and called you to tell you that I love you anyway.
Well, excuse me, I shrieked, but you thought that if the horrific war had not broken out in the north, maybe we would have gone to a B and B, and if we would have indeed gone to a B and B, I would be entitled to something as meritous as the Israel Prize, so I probably would have refused to hike with you to some f**kin riverbed, and you decided to get mad at me? You know that you are totally nuts? Jeez, I thought you discovered that I still haven’t taken the car in for its yearly tune up.
9
You haven’t taken care of the car? What’s going to be with you? It’s not enough that you stick us in a B and B and refuse to hike; you also neglect the car?
What B and B, I said, what B and B? There was a war in the north, there are abducted soldiers, what are you talking about? You know how many people were killed in that war?
More than 150, Efrat snapped back, but that’s not a reason not to come with me on a hike to the Zeviatan River.
10
The next morning, a message was waiting for Everett on the refrigerator door. We should have a happy New Year, I wrote her. A year in which I will think of you at least half of the time that you think about me. A year in which I do for you at least as much as you do for me.
A year in which I will write you letters even if it’s not Valentines Day. A year in which I will prefer sitting outside with you stargazing rather than upstairs alone. A year in which I will not take for granted the biggest gift in my life – my family. A year in which I will listen and not just talk.
A year in which I tell you every day what I am thinking all the time, that you are the miracle of my life. A year in which I hug, even if there’s no special reason for it. A year in which I will understand, assist, support, promise and a year in which I will carry through.
Shana Tova
