Ten letters I've never sent
Soccer players, technicians and of course, our dearest wives: Chanoch Daum writes letters that we'll never have guts to send
1
Greetings dearest soccer players. We enjoy watching you and we’d be delighted if you could explain to us once and for all why basketball players manage to complete entire games without spitting on the court while you guys, take turns sending a viscous trajectory onto the playing field?
Actually, why do you guys have to spit all the time and in front of the cameras? Why do volleyball, basketball and tennis players act like normal people on the court while body fluids constantly leaving your mouths during the games?
2
Hello to you dear restaurant servers. We wanted to ask you to avoid embarrassment. I mean what you expect us to say when we enter your restaurant and we are immediately faced with the most element of questions: “Do you want to sit down?”
That is, what is the second option, that we’ll stand or are there people who actually order their food prostrate on the floor?
3
Good day to you esteemed technicians. From our point of view, it is really okay that you ask us to wait at home from 8 to 4 so that at 3:30 you can notify us unilaterally that you’ll come tomorrow.
4
Hello to our teachers. We’ve been wondering for a long time and now there is an opportunity to raise the question: We have never, and I mean never, understood the sentence that you utter so many times, usually with a scornful look on your faces: “And if the whole class jumps off the roof, you would jump too?”
God, we always thought to ourselves, who do they think we are that we won’t jump? Right, we’ll stay on the roof all by ourselves? The entire class will have fun jumping and we’ll use a ladder to get down? Who’ll stay our friend if that happens for crying out loud?
Better to break a leg then be the only dweeb in the class who was afraid to jump off the roof. What’s not clear here? And what if all the teachers take a trip to the Hula Valley (Are the buffalo still there by the way? What an ugly animal that is.), Would you remain in the teachers lounge checking tests?
5
Salutations soccer players, again. We have another question if it’s not too much of a hardship for you. Why, for crying out loud do you argue with the referee after he has blown the whistle on a foul? Have you ever seen a referee who changed his mind after the team argued with his call?
Have you ever seen a referee who actually stopped after blowing the whistle, pondered his call and said to the linesman: Listen bro, I know I saw a foul but now, when I see how much these players believe in themselves and how important it is to them – especially the passion in this guy Abukassis, seems a reliable fellow – I may rethink my call.
6
Dori Klasgsbald, hello. You are a senior attorney and a leading authority in your field but it is possible that your brilliant idea, to go to jail first and then to appeal the indictment, is how shall we say, an idea that lacks a certain logic? We need to remind you of all people how long it takes to bring cases to court in this country?
7
Aya Corem-Peles-Massika and Partners, what’s up? You are wonderful singers, really but lately we are getting confused as to who your boyfriends are. Could you straighten this out for us? It would really help.
For example, Itai, the one who doesn’t express feelings, is he going out with Peles or with Massika? And to whom does Shimon the next door neighbor belong? Is he a neighbor of Yonatan Shapira? And how is it that Mom never met Yonatan Shapira? Like he never came to Friday night dinner last week? In any case, there is a song about Itai already and there’s a song about Yonatan Shapira so what’s the next stage, a tune about your boyfriends’ ID and telephone numbers?
8
Greetings weather forecasters. I don’t know if it’s the competition among the television channels or some hysteria that is in the air but it’s not possible that every other day you guys talk about a storm approaching and the ‘real’ winter that is just around the corner.
Ladies and gentlemen forecasters: In the winter, and you should know, sometimes it rains, and it can even be slightly windy, and believe it or not, temperatures drop. It happens friends so maybe you can stop calling this a storm.
9
Hello to our dear wives. We are not lazy, really. We have no reason to wait until the morning. We would happily take the trash out at night after the guests leave. It’s not laziness, dear ladies, it’s fear.
It’s time you know the truth: We are afraid of the cats in the garbage cans. Terrified of the loud screeching, the sudden jumping out of the can, getting sprayed. Our hearts pound as we approach the trash receptacle, we throw a rock at it from 100 meters away, and try to toss the bag of garbage in from as far away as possible.
It’s a complicated military maneuver to throw the garbage out at night. Take pity on us. Forgive us. We’ll take the garbage out in the morning. We promise.
10
Dear soccer players, one last question, absolutely if you’ll permit us and forgive us for being such nuisances: Why do you take your shirts off after a goal? Why do you think that exposing your nipples to the public is an appropriate expression of your joy?
Have you ever seen a surgeon who after a successful operation takes his shirt off and runs to the family, or a banker who carries out a transaction, then removes his shirt and runs around the place?
