Pic: Yaki Assaig

Something’s wrong with us

Some experts expect us to work out, brush our teeth, and eat healthy. Trust me, it's b-s

This week I noticed there’s something wrong with me.


Surely it came to my attention as I was flipping through the article “Four Ways to Get Up on the Right Side of the Bed” in ‘Menta’, an Israeli magazine devoted to health issues. Let me quote at least one of the suggestions connected to breathing:


“Focus on the region of the third eye - between the eyebrows. After a few moments, you will begin to feel and see colors floating and filling you. Go with the feeling and imagine how the colors are encircling you. Use your imagination to create a huge bubble preferably green (the most peaceful color) and float inside of it. Stay like this for ten minutes.”


I remind you, all this is supposed to happen in the morning, the time of the day when I usually read the newspaper and shoo the kids out of the house against their will (no Lior, you don’t have flu in your knees, off to school with you). But wait it’s not over, the magazine has another morning suggestion:


“To increase the sense of general well being, use aromatic oils known to have a calming effect on the nervous system. Put eight drops of the oil in a hot bath and luxuriate in it of course with your partner.”


The magazine does not say why eight drops or where exactly to put them or where one is supposed to find a bathtub big enough for two. But the article does list the oils that are recommended:


“Bergamot oil diminishes anxiety and nervousness: Sandalwood for tranquility and serenity; Lavender for peace; Orange (or any citrus) contributes to a better frame of mind; and Ti Bar, an Indian mixture which increases serenity; Cedar and Frankincense for focus and for inner peace.”


Isn't it dangerous?

A little embarrassed, I read this to my partner, may she live a long life, who understands these things. I asked her if it wasn’t dangerous to take a bath precisely at a time when I’m supposed to be floating in a green bubble.


“Leave me alone,” she snapped irritably, “I haven’t had my first coffee of the morning and you’re already starting with your questions.”


Which means there’s something wrong with her too.


It seems that there is a right way to live and we are the only ones who don’t have a clue. There are people who get up every morning and slather their bodies with Bergamot oil and from that moment on they are all smiles and serenity and their dog has no psychological problems.


Maybe it did in the past but then they went to the Israeli branch of the huge international company, that offers - and I quote - “a personal communications training course with your dog to find solutions to behavioral problems.”


In case you missed the point, it’s not about personal training for the dog but for the owner. In 15 lessons, he/she can learn how to sit up and give a paw every time the dog asks for it. In addition, he/she can – and I quote again – “help the dog deal with fears of abandonment.”


I grant you that I have no dog but the very idea certainly makes me want to buy one, to take him to the Kastina junction, let him off there and leave in order to enable him to deal with abandonment issues in the most optimal of conditions.


There is – and I already said this I know – there is something wrong with me. I don’t weigh the right amount or eat properly. I don’t suntan properly or workout at the right hours. I am aware of this because of a magazine article featured in ‘Dynami’ entitled “Morning, Afternoon or Evening – the Best Hours for Exercise.”


I read every one of the thousands of words of the article but let me skip ahead to the bottom line here: “In conclusion” reports the magazine in its infinite wisdom, “It doesn’t matter what time of the day the average person works out. The most important thing is to continue to exercise and not waste energy on the question of whether or not you are doing it at the ‘right or wrong time’ of the day.


Who has time for that?

That, as I said, is the summarizing paragraph of the article. The magazine by the way, like all of those that focus on physical fitness, recommends to readers that they exercise at least five days a week, right after you get fired from work and you send the children to the orphanage.


The truth is that no normal person has the time to work out five times a week and no normal person has the time to get up in the morning and add aromatic oils to the bath, and no normal person has the time ‘to eat more fiber’. What do those fibers look like by the way? And where do you find them in a hamburger? Oh, and by the way, are there pregnant women who read this column who were recently told that that sushi was off limits ‘because it’s liable to harm the fetus?’


Well let me give you some food for thought: There are a lot of Japanese people who have been born!


Then comes the second stage. If you do not heed what we say - they threaten all the time - a bitter fate awaits you and your family will die within minutes.


Here for example is an excerpt from the beginning of a magazine article that appeared in ‘Parents’ under the innocent headline “How to Protect your Children’s Teeth.” “Neglecting teeth can be onset of a disaster for the child. It can lead to simple tooth decay first and develop into an abscess, which can spread to the jaw and skull and endanger the child’s life – a situation that would require immediate hospitalization and I.V. antibiotic treatment.


Let me say something in response: It’s not true. If your child doesn’t brush his teeth three times a day, it’s pretty disgusting but the only thing liable to penetrate his skull will be his parents’ nonsense.


I remember when we thought we were grown up already. That is how we related to ourselves. We know that we made mistakes occasionally but it didn’t bother us. We thought that making mistakes was part of life. Whoever doesn’t goof up every once in a while I guess is especially frightened by life.


We didn’t always eat the things that were good for us. We were annoyed sometimes but we carried out lives without the spiritually misguided telling us what to do. Maybe it wasn’t perfect but someone who strives for perfection is someone who is persecuted and depressed, someone who in the end emerges from his green bubble and is then found alone on the water tower spraying bullets from an M-16 in every direction.


It’s very possible I think this way because I haven’t looked at the web site and received a personal coaching session from Ms Hani – and I quote for the last time – “To identify and align one’s personal frequency to a more balanced internal electromagnetic field.”


פרסום ראשון: 12.20.06, 17:01
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