Yair Nitzani

Hair today, gone tomorrow

If the time come for Yair Lapid's hair to thin, then so be it. Medical science has proven that bald people are ambitious and exude sexuality

I am going bald.


That is to say I am not exactly bald yet but lately there’s a slight thinning along my hairline and a lighter spot about the size of a three-shekel coin. Now I know there is no such thing as a three-shekel coin but most of the time I insist there’s no bald spot either. As I explained to my worried family it's a minor problem of styling, and if I comb my hair away from my face the bald spot totally disappears as soon as I put on a hat.


The hairstyle is a slightly problematic solution. There are people who habitually comb their front hair back and the back hair forward with an energetic swoop left in the area of the temple. Every time I meet someone like that the same thought occurs to me.


Don’t they know what they look like?


I mean moving the hair around like that is done facing a well-lit bathroom mirror usually on sunny mornings. What do they tell themselves as they are combing? Hey, I pulled five strands of hair from side to side and used gel to glue them down so that I now I look like I’ve got an electrocuted squirrel on my head – eh, no one will notice?


I, as opposed to these people who are weak of character, relate to my bald spot with affection and calm. If the time come for my hair to thin, then so be it. Medical science has proven that bald people are ambitious and exude sexuality. I have not ruled out the possibility that I have gotten a little taller recently and maybe even passed my own hairline.


Besides there is something pathetic about people who try to fight the inevitable with hair extensions, transplants and cheap drugs. I immediately spent a fortune on Rogaine Forte to help my grandfather. While it is true that this good man will celebrate his 99th birthday in September but if the nice pharmacist believed me then that I was buying the viagra for him then there is no reason she won’t believe me this time.


To the amateur scientists among you, Rogaine Forte is a drug that was originally developed for people suffering from high blood pressure. But over time doctors found the drug had an interesting side effect: It turns out that minoxidil, which is what Rogaine contains, stimulated hair growth among the patients who were taking it.


From the moment they discovered their bald spot was disappearing, their blood pressure dropped. Using the drug is especially easy: Twice a day you rub the cream onto the balding areas and after only three months there is an improvement -- in the manufacturer’s profit margin.


But there is no change along my hairline. Moreover every time you look in the mirror it seems that it is winking fondly at you as if to say, “What’s up baldy? Are you really auditioning to be a light reflector?”


The answer is not yet. According to the famous Norwood Hamilton scale my bald spot is at the beginning of stage two in its development. The two American scientists classified hair loss into seven stages: Stage one shows thick dark hair, and stage seven shows that the kids are chasing you because they think you are Yair Nitzani.


My modest place on the scale, relative to my age, is proof that I do not belong to the race of naturally bald people but to that part of the population where hair loss is slow and painful. By my cautious estimation, it will take another 20 to 30 years before I resemble a ping pong ball. When I walk down the street for example I look totally hirsute.


But getting out of the pool everyone sees immediately that I am losing it. I have decided to take more drastic action and shave off all my hair. Only kidding. Actually I cancelled my membership to the swimming pool.


But I haven’t entirely ruled out shaving it all off. If I am not mistaken, the man who started the shiny head trend was the legendary Michael Jordan. Millions of people jumped on board certain that if they shave their heads twice a week they are guaranteed to net $50 million a year as tall black men famous for their three pointers on the court. When it doesn’t happen they join advertising companies and become left wing. I am not saying this is a bad thing but I am still rather attached to my hair and if not exactly attached then a weave is definitely an option.


My wife may she live a long life maintains that I’m a pest. A bald head is very sexy. I told her that that must explain why women tend to scream and rip their clothes off ever time they see Natan Sharansky without his cap. She told me I was hysterical. I argued that there is no way I could be hysterical. I’ve used so much minoxidyl that my blood pressure has left the country and now lives in Switzerland.


The truth is that I have no idea why I am so obsessed with this. Even with my bald spot I am still the same person, with the same children, the same wife and work. The only difference is I look a baboon’s opposite.


In any case it is easy for my wife to talk. Women don’t lose their hair. Their bodies lack the hormone which causes hair loss which is called, I swear to you, dihydrotestosterone. The hormone which regulates hair growth in women is called estrogen which also is responsible for regular menstruation and how often they go out shoe shopping with their girlfriends.


I could have used the known wonder drug Propecia, which stimulates hair growth that would even please the aforementioned baboon. Unfortunately the manufacturer warns that there is a downside and the side effects includes and I quote “a loss of sexual drive, sperm potency and ability to reach and maintain an erection”


As a result girls will throw themselves into my arms because of my thick hair and my reaction will be an invitation to join me in watching an episode of Desperate Housewives.


So I decided it was better this way. I’ll continue with the coin-sized bald spot on my head and people will continue to look and ask themselves where I bought the hat. There is something endearing about my bald spot. Something mature, positive that doesn’t take itself too seriously. It gives me the same placid appearance as the guy who tales some quality time every day, standing in the shower, slowly combing the hair strands from side to side and plastering them with gel.


פרסום ראשון: 08.10.07, 16:13
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