'How you got into mommy's tummy'
Photo: CD Bank
The naked truth: Discussing sex with kids
The stork or the bedroom? How do you teach kids the birds and the bees honestly but also without embarrassment? Psychologist Dov Even Zahav explains when and how to talk openly with a child who is eager for knowledge, even if you’re uncomfortable
A pleasant and candid approach to our physical desires and human sexuality adds measureless value to our quality of life. It’s important that parents view sexuality openly and naturally, discuss it frankly, and relay the message that it is not some sinister activity happening in dark places.
At the same time it’s important to recognize the social and emotional contexts that constitute a central and important aspect of human sexual behavior.
It’s important to view sexuality first as a bond between human beings, one aspect of a relationship based on listening, discussing, sharing emotions, and respecting one another.
Children seek information: technical, biological, and emotional. It’s important that parents speak realistically to their kids: "We do have sex. Daddy’s penis goes into mommy’s vagina," etc.
Parents should explain according to their comfort level, but the more natural the parents’ view is, the more natural the kids’ view should be.
Children touching each other’s sexual organs – how to respond?
Adult and child sexuality must be clearly set apart. In a toddler’s eyes the sexual organ is just another part of the body that needs to be felt, investigated, and discovered. In an adult's eyes, the sexual organ is related to a world of associations: desire, emotion, culture, and morality.
Many parents are embarrassed when questions arise, and they are unsure how to respond when a child starts to show sexual interest (by looking at or touching others’ sexual parts).
In my view, dealing with the adults’ embarrassment is often more important than dealing with the kids. As in other situations, ignoring the issue has a bigger impact than engaging it.
As a child grows he will encounter many situations that will require him to relinquish large parts of his spontaneous and naive world. There is no need to rush, and exaggerating the importance of social norms could impair spontaneity, acceptance, and self-worth.
However, if the parents feel too embarrassed, they can gently, without criticism and judgment, convey to the child that under certain circumstances it is preferable to avoid a display of sexual organs.
Birds and bees
What adults perceive as a disclosure of a sensitive secret, kids see as information helping them to understand life’s story. When the parents sense that a child enjoys the information he or she receives, it’s possible to tell the story in a language appropriate for children and their world.
Of course, when the child asks directly, "How did the baby get into mommy’s tummy?" or "How did I get there?" it’s a great opportunity to share one of nature’s wonders.
Who should tell?
The role of giving information belongs to both kindergarten teachers and parents. With different emphasis and style, each helps the child achieve a broader picture.
It’s important for the child to sense openness both in and out of the home, and to feel the subjects of fertility and physical interaction as part of friendship and love are not negative or shameful.
This will help the child accept himself fully without hang-ups.
What if your child catches you "doing it"?
The story of the Garden of Eden tells about Adam and Eve discovering something they shouldn't have. Everything is revealed uncovered. They begin to feel shame and hide their nakedness.
We, as parents, try to protect our own kids’ Garden of Eden – i.e., their childhood. We try to protect them from knowledge we think they’re not ready to face.
What if the child accidentally sees the parents in a sexual act? This moment embodies embarrassment, anxiety, broken boundaries, and removal of masks. It is a powerful encounter between turbulent emotions and the need for parental protection, an encounter that emphasizes the huge gap between the adult world and the child’s.
Being exposed during the act of sex is certainly a good reason for feeling embarrassed. It’s important to view this as an accidental violation of your privacy.
Although your privacy has been violated, you are not criminals who violated anything. There may be no traumatic influence on your child—as long as it’s a single incident.
Remember, what adults perceive as a sexual act is not necessarily such a dramatic event for a toddler. In any case, it’s imperative not to burden the child with our own concerns.
When should we stop showering together?
The maximum age for showering together, for changing clothes in front of the kids, etc. depends on what the parents sense, and here also it’s important to behave naturally. Nudity isn’t necessarily sexual; it can be regarded as natural.
Obviously up to a certain age for the kids, an age that the parents determine according to their intuition.
The writer is a psychologist and senior lecturer at the Center for Parenthood & Family, School of Advanced Studies, Seminar Hakibbutzim College
