‘It suddenly hit me.’ Avni with wife Sandy Bar
Photo: Hanoch Grizinsky
Remember my name
After a year in the US, Aki Avni gave up. ‘I understood that I was marching ahead of everyone. I lost the willpower to get out of bed in the morning, to shave, to leave the house. I was horribly depressed.’ Now, with his first major part in an American movie, Avni believes that he is past the crisis stage
It was back in July, 2005 and brothers Uri and Benny Barbash were about to begin shooting their new Hebrew language film, “Melach Ha'aretz” (“Salt of the Earth”), starring Aki Avni as Nadav Herman, a conflicted hero whose friends take him on a journey of self-destruction. The first scene to be shot was one where Herman is in mortal danger of being crushed.
It took Avni three months to prepare for the part, and shooting did not begin until the director was convinced that his leading man, who currently resides in Hollywood, was fully comfortable with the role. What happened on the set came as a complete surprise to everyone. “I felt as if I couldn’t act,” Avni recalls. “I started to sweat; my hands trembled. My mouth was dry, and I became extremely dizzy.”
At first, Avni dismissed the sensation, thinking it was just a matter of adapting to the dramatic part. However, when the symptoms returned the next day, he realized that he was experiencing a full-fledged panic attack.
“I understood that the years of rejection in the United States had finally taken their toll,” he says. “All the rejections at auditions, all the negative responses simply destroyed me. Suddenly, something in my ability, mainly in my emotional standing, fell apart there on the set. On the outside, I continue to be business as usual, but on the inside, I was a mess.”
I was in pieces
Five years after Avni and his wife Sandy Bar moved to the US to seek their fortunes as international actors and a year and a half after their oldest son Liam-Yitzchak was born, Avni, 39, finally achieved a significant part in a high budget American movie, opposite movie star Woody Harrelson. Avni appears calm and even pleased.
In Avni’s lexicon, “pleased” means busy. A quick peek at his calendar reveals an extremely packed schedule: shooting the French film “Dauphin” in which he plays an American general, meeting with two Israeli producers about starring in two new movies, talking with the distributors of “Melach Ha'aretz” about the film’s upcoming release, and rehearsing for his part as an Iraqi prisoner in “Dirty Hands”. (Harrelson stars as an American interrogator in the latter movie.) In short, after two years of frustration, emptiness, and even depression, things are looking up for Avni.
“At the end of the first year in the United States, after we found our bearings a bit, it suddenly hit me that no one was waiting for me here. What’s more, it was possible that while my self-confidence was appropriate for Israel, it wasn’t certain that it applied to a place as large as the United States. And certainly not in a shark pool like Hollywood,” he muses. “This realization tore me to pieces. I remember that I would wake up in the middle of the night and ask myself: ‘What the hell am I doing here, and who needs this.’”
How did the crisis begin?
“Toward the end of the first year in the US, it hit me that my self-confidence reserves and my emotional strengths were quickly being depleted. When I’m not working and busy, I’m dead. And that’s exactly what happened. None of my efforts resulted in a part. All of my agent’s attempts to push me ahead only succeeded a tiny bit. There was nothing on the professional horizon that I could be optimistic about. Every audition that I went to led nowhere. I came to Hollywood like a small boy who wants to play immediately but suddenly discovers that no one is playing the game with him. Instead, there are another million children just like him, and most of them are Americans, or at least look like Americans.”
Your illusion was shattered?
“Absolutely. I was terribly depressed. This was a horrible letdown no matter how you look at it. When I recall those terrible days and places, I remember that I really missed the Aki that I used to know, the strong Aki who was sure of himself. I suddenly found myself in a situation where I had to create a new Aki, who had to learn to function in a new place, in a new and much less secure reality.”
The telephone did not ring.
In fact, it took some time for Avni to come to this self-awareness. In order to fund his stay in Hollywood, he became financially involved in several projects – including some American restaurants – and used up a good portion of his savings.
“But I soon realized that not only are these projects not taking off, but I had become so involved in them that I had no time to devote to developing as an actor,” he reports. “From a professional standpoint, nothing was happening. The telephone was not ringing with acting parts. From that point, I started to believe that I don’t interest anyone and that no one cares about me. I understood that it was a matter of busy work, with only a huge question mark at the end. And then I realized that it was possible that I was marching past everyone. Gradually, I lost any desire or willpower that I had to complete even mundane tasks, like getting out of bed in the morning. I felt as if I wasn’t functioning, as if nothing had any purpose.”
You felt alone?
“Yes, because at the end of the day, dealing with stuff is completely personal. I would stand on our balcony, on the 26th floor, every Friday before Shabbat. I looked up to the Heavens and turn to G-d. I said to Him: ‘I don’t know where You are taking me, but please send me the proper thoughts and the right words and mainly the strength to do everything correctly.’ These were very difficult moments for me.”
Did any other thoughts go through your head, up there on the 26th floor?
Avni is not surprised by the question. “I know that this is exactly the type of information that journalists jump on, and I’m not willing to cooperate. The only thing I can say is that during that period, there were definitely moments which had a final or terminal element to them.”
Where was Sandy?
“During that time, Sandy was shooting her first film, starring in a major American movie, and I was trying to use what was left of my strength to be there for her and to share in her happiness. From that low place where I found myself, I was glad for her, and it was even a sort of not insignificant ray of light for me. But deep down inside, my distressing personal situation was still stronger.”
How did you get back in the game?
“There was no specific external event or turning point. The major change happened on the inside, and it influenced everything around me. Only after I managed to survive that difficult period, did I understand that I am much stronger than I thought and that it’s okay, and even legitimate, to go through a stage like that in life. As I started to lift myself up and make myself stronger, I went to many more auditions, and my energy was renewed. This entire combination led to offers and to a new and wonderful period. In spite of everything that I endured in the United States, and probably will still endure, I don’t regret our decision to go to Hollywood for one second.”
