The Incessant breakup.
When a breakup is anything but a breakup
Sometimes this is me. Lately it’s a lot of my friends.
A month goes by.
It’s what I call the incessant break-up. The relationship is over, either by mutual agreement or forced interference by one party or the other, yet it relentlessly goes on and on… and on and on…
The two simply cannot part ways. One pines for the other. The other responds to the hundreds of texts, dozens of phone calls, while maintaining s/he does not want to be with the sender/caller. They are still in a relationship, but no longer together.
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Abigail Kasner
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He can’t date, so as not to offend her. He answers the phone because he still cares about her. She can’t date because she still loves him. She doesn’t love him, but wishes she did. She doesn’t want him back. He insists she just isn’t the one. It’s over.
Another month goes by.
I see them out for coffee, as dates at weddings, dancing at a club.
They’re not together, but they’re not apart. It’s not helping either one of them move on. Both could probably admit it’s unhealthy.
And let’s not kid ourselves that they’re now just friends either. I may be a cynic, but this is reality. You don’t worry about drunk dialing your regular friends because that’s not what we do. And if they don’t call you back you accept that they’re busy. You probably don’t want to sleep with them and you don’t get upset if they’re flirting with someone else, in fact, you probably prefer it.
Imagine if this perseverance of a terminated relationship was employed productively? If we loved our actual friends half as much?
I read an interesting comparison recently. If you were fired from your job, would you show up the next day? Continue to negotiate with your former boss for weeks on end to take you back? Continue doing your workload without pay? So why, when it comes to relationships, do so many find it so hard to say “goodbye?”
And don’t tell me it’s because a romantic relationship is qualitatively different because for many, their career is of utmost, if not definitive, importance to them.
Yet perfectly logical people seem to metabolize the experiences so differently.
Why oh why
Why, when a relationship is over, do so many find it so hard to just walk away, dignity and purpose in tact?
When you watch it from the outside, it’s so clear that this is nothing but nostalgia and a fear of moving forward. But on the inside of the experience, well that’s an all consuming matter.
Still when I see my friends torturing themselves in this manner, it all becomes so clear. My broken hearted girlfriend is so sweet, so cute, so great - why is she doing this to herself? My tormented male mate is fun and smart, with so much to offer, so why does he insist that his ex is the only worthy recipient of his self?
And as for their “lost loves,” well yes, they’re probably great too, but that’s not an exclusive category. Lots of people are great, laugh at the same jokes, eat the same flavor ice cream, and have all sorts of delightful intricacies in common.
At a certain point, reality must set in. No point beating a dead horse. A new relationship couldn’t possibly be worse than this futile state. Because the pain or disappointment of a break-up doesn’t go away by prolonging it. Of that I am sure.
Abigail can be contacted for advice, comments, compliments and ideas at abigailkasner@gmail.com
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