Israeli singles should say thank you
After hearing the problems of American singles, as they are portrayed in Dr. Dale Atkins' TV show, we can suddenly be glad that we live in Israel. Because in addition to all the usual trouble, our brothers and sisters in the Diaspora also have to make sure that their future partner is Jewish
This is the conclusion one might reach after watching Dr. Dale Atkins' show on Jewish singles in the United States. Another conclusion is that in Israel female rabbis don’t wear such short skirts.
In addition to the usual problems faced by bachelors and bachelorettes – such as the environmental pressure, the ticking biological clock, the married friends, the loneliness, the need to deal with people who are not ready for commitment – the Jewish singles in the United States, and all the more so in other countries – have a serious problem finding a Jewish partner.
In other words, in addition to the long shopping list each person apparently carries, there is also one item which is still rarer abroad than here in Israel: A shared religious belief.
Theoretically, this is not a problem, as there are large Jewish communities in the big cities, particularly in New York, where relationship expert and experienced psychologist Dr. Dale Atkins comes from. But when this constitutes another restriction in addition to the other criteria, things can get difficult. What do you do when you find someone who matches your exact shopping list, except he or she is a Christian?
It turns out that there are Jewish bachelors who don’t really care about the religion issue when they are young, and while they are in college they date people without asking themselves whether they are Jewish or not. But when the moment of truth arrives, let's say when they turn 35, and they want to get married – that is when they start to also take this issue into consideration.
'Meat market' atmosphere at synagogue
On her first show, Dr. Dale hosts nine men, including one rabbi. They discuss places to meet women. Some of them, like Mike, go to Jewish singles' events. Others, like David or Sam, don't like the pressuring atmosphere at these events and prefer to meet women at their natural surroundings, or at work, where they are surrounded by people with similar interests.
Rabbi Stephen Carr Reuben says that people stay away from the synagogue events because of the "meat market" atmosphere. Some of the bachelors agree with him. At the synagogue? A meat market atmosphere? Maybe we should go there more often.
When Dr. Dale asks about "the right woman," Bob says that each woman gave his something to take with him. He adds that he may have given up on a woman he shouldn’t have given up on, but that expectations change according to the stages of life.
Peter, who is quite an attractive bachelor, has his own insight. Don’t expect every date to lead to marriage, he says, adding that a constant search for "the one" could cause harm. He is also the one who says he always feels the next person will be better, and therefore he wants to get out of any relationship he is in.
Women with a passion are attractive
The men talk about the fact that women with a passion, who are enthusiastic over something, apart from a wedding, glow with energy, which is a particularly attractive characteristic. And the older you are, the more fixated both sides are on certain things, therefore it is more difficult to make concessions, to be more flexible – all things required in order to create a stable relationship.
It is of course important for their parents that they marry a Jew. Someone says that when he dated an Afro-American, his grandmother threatened to cut all ties with him. He broke up with her (not with the grandmother). The rabbi says that there are many marriages of Jews and Catholic Italians because there is a similarity in the feeling of family and the values, beyond the religious label.
When they discuss family pressures, open or hidden, everyone nods. "We all have one thing in common – Jewish mothers," says 36-year-old Doug.
On the second show, in which Dr. Dale meets with 10 bachelorettes, the viewer sees a lot of short skirts and pantyhose, including those of the host and of the female rabbi Michelle Messa. She says that she is approached by people in search of relationships, as someone who can provide a network of friends.
But like the bachelors, the girls are also not too enthusiastic about the organized Jewish events. They also feel the family pressure around them, they are also surrounded with married couples and run into men "who are not built for a relationship." They also start looking for Jewish men when they approach the age of marriage and starting a family.
Jill, 33, is starting to feel the pressure to get married – from her family, friends, everyone. Collective pressure. But she says she is glad she didn’t marry earlier, because in the meantime she learned what she is looking for – a good character, love, communication. On the other hand, she admits that with all her happiness, she is not sure she would be happy to stay single much longer.
Liz says she moderated her expectations as she grew older. Once I had a long list, I was a Cinderella waiting for her price, but since I turned 40 I stopped believing in fairytales, I am looking for a man with a good character, she adds. The man she is looking for should also be intelligent, good-hearted, and obviously attractive. I don’t think that's too much to ask for, she says.
