"It’s a recession when you get fired, it’s a depression when I get fired."
An economic slowdown has ramifications to the overall economy. To a young, single, career-oriented, newly employed male who generally has his paycheck directly deposited to his landlord’s account, it means just one thing: Cut Back.
There are many familiar tactics used to squeeze that spending dollar to the max, whether it be scaling back certain expenditures, or eliminating others entirely.
A common misconception, however, is that dating in the modern Orthodox world is unfeasible when budgets are tight. The following is an easy-to-follow guide to help you save money, without impeding your chances of showing up on Onlysimchas.com.
Whether your prospective date is from (upscale, suburban) Lawrence, Long Island, or Brooklyn, it is generally understood that she will not tolerate anything but the very finest, and that the only way to gain credence in her heart is to get credit from your bank. It clearly follows that taking the subway is out. But other than public transportation, there are sensible ways to get from point A to point B without shelling out a hefty fair and tip.
Transportation
Fortunately, there are many inexpensive forms of transportation available that are commonly overlooked.
One solution is to make sure to select a destination close to a hospital. Exaggerating a medical condition can often get both of you to your desired destination in a fully staffed vehicle along with flashing lights, and in record time.
Alternatively, you and your date can spend some quiet time in a large white garbage bag while you get whisked off to the outer limits of the city district.
Although a bit more complicated, the same holds true for police vehicles as well.
It is also useful not to forget that there are many parttime jobs you can take that will give you unlimited access to a means of transportation, and even supplement your income as well: becoming a horse and buggy driver, joining the hearse drivers’ union, or adding 17 consonants to your name and becoming a cabbie are just a few examples.
Monsey Trails
offers a great roundtrip deal that includes a mehitza
so you can avoid that awkward first date conversation.
It never hurts to "meet the parents" early on in the relationship, and what better way to do that than by hitching a ride with your mother’s carpool pickup. If properly adorned, the family Dodge Caravan can be extremely romantic. As you sit with four kids on your lap, your sensitive side will shine through. This will also save you time, as your mother interrogates her, you can plan your next step: dinner.
Food
Eating can be an expensive endeavor, as many of the finer restaurants are rather pricey, but the truly savvy can cut down on costs, and even score some extra points with the woman as well. An average Orthodox Jew is required to follow many prohibitive commandments. The way Orthodox girls see men, therefore, is that the more prohibitions the better!
The following is a list of optional restrictions you can claim to follow to save on your portion of the meal.
- Do not eat dairy products not supervised by a Jew.
- Do not eat dairy products from an uncircumcised cow (bonus point! Cows are female!).
- Do not eat meat of a cow that was not Shabbat observant.
- Do not eat chicken that doesn’t cover its hair after marriage.
- Wait 48 hours between meat and milk.
- Do not go mixed-eating.
- Do not eat hametz
all year.
- Do not eat gebrochts
all year.
Or you can go the rebellious route of bringing her to McDonalds and telling her the word "kosher" is very subjective.
Once in the restaurant you can use the following tactics to reduce costs:
- Wait until the waiter brings the check, close your eyes and begin bentching
with kavana.
Keep bentching fervently until she pays. Reopen eyes.
- Take her to Dougies and tell the manager you are "Dougie." If he objects, go to Abigail’s,
and try the same thing.
- When the waiter brings over the bill, tell your date its all taken care of, then quickly replace your credit card with your subway fare card and leave.
- Start the meal by telling her how much your love the free pickles and pita. When the waiter comes by, ask for two refills of pickles, hold the pita. Insist she have the same.
- Ask the waiter if you can have the bill wrapped up to go.
- Pull the waiter aside and tell him to answer all requests with, "Sorry, because it was just Passover, we are all out of that."
- Go to the bathroom for an hour, return, and ask your date if she can suggest something to eat that is OK for someone who has diarrhea.
- Before meal is served, excuse yourself and politely go from table to table asking for tzedaka for a crazy poor woman in need of money. Point at your date.
If you are a picky eater there are loads of places to find your favorite foods for free:
- Do you like bagels and lox? – why not take her to a romantic morning brit milah.
- Chicken or Beef – crash a wedding at the Marina Del Rey.
- Egg Salad or Herring – why not schedule the date for Shabbat afternoon meal?
- Just wanna go for coffee? Take her to work with you and hit the free coffee maker.
- Want to go out drinking? Take her to a l'chaim.
- Like cake? A shiva (mourning) house is always packed with goodies (and your date will probably be wearing all black anyway).
After dinner, some dates would like you to treat her to an activity, which can hit the wallet hard. Here are our frugal recommendations:
- Go to shul and play siddur baseball.
- There’s nothing like a night of romance watching friends at the Radio Shack TV display.
- Tell her you really like the show ER, then buy a bag of popcorn and take her to a real emergency room, sit for hours watching, occasionally laugh and say, "Oh that wacky Dr. Green has done it again!"
- Tell your date you’d feel more comfortable if you’d both go home and chat on AOL, rather than in person.
One usually finds that there is a reason why God gave underwear two sides. Others suddenly realize that there are price differences between microwave dinners and dog food, even though they contain virtually the same ingredients. Some wonder why they never before considered the fact that there is profit to be had from surrendering non-essential organs.
Whatever the case may be, more young professionals are finding ways to cut out the superfluous things in their lives. If you follow the useful advice above, you’ll be sure to get a second date, while, at the same time, keeping your shirt...on (damn).
Reprinted with permission from Bangitout.
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