The Shiite-Sunni mystery

Shouldn't we try to figure out why 600 million people in this region want to turn us into a pita?

Reuters | Published: 01.11.06, 00:11

This week I realized that I don't have any clue who the Sunnis are. I discovered this fact while engaging in my favorite sport, lying in bed reading the newspaper.

Turns out that Abdul Halim Khaddam, the deposed vice president of Syria, is a Sunni. You know, the Islamic faction that…well, what, exactly?

I spent almost two years in Lebanon aspiring to become 'the most unsuitable soldier in the history of the Israeli army' (I took second place, behind ex-Chief of Staff Moshe "Boogey" Yaalon), and I remember that there were Shiites and Sunnis, but who they are exactly, and what are the differences between them and why they can't they stand each other is all still a big mystery to me.

11.5 years of school

The fact that I could not remember really confused me. Maybe it's immodest of me, but I am fairly well educated. I have 11.5 years of schooling (a half year is lost at sea), I work in the media and I have been known to read books. If someone were to wake me in the middle of the night and ask me to name three of Shakespeare's plays, I would immediately tell them to get out of my house cause I'm sleeping now.

Besides, I live in the Middle East. I have the feeling that there are a lot of Sunnis around, or Shiites. That reminds me that Bashar Assad is an Allawiite, which sounds like either a really ancient dynasty or a spice used to make Yemenite tea.

I don’t' mean to blame others for my problems, but after a thorough check with my children, it turns out that the education system has never felt the need to update them on the subject. They can differentiate between Shai Agnon and an isosceles triangle without looking up from their play station (and like Mr. Khaddam, it is also a Sony), but the vast human panoply in which they live is totally foreign to them.

Isn't that a problem? There are 600 million people in this region who want to turn us into a pita. Shouldn't we try to figure out why?

Ignorance is not something to be proud of. But I admit, and in contrast to Islam, I don't know anything about Christianity. That is, I know there are Catholics and Protestants, but that's about the end of it. There are also Lutherans (?), Calvinists (??), Presbyterians (???), Evangelists (get it) and so on.

Who are all these people, what differentiates them and how can it be it that for 1,500 years they killed each other and no one asked Shimon Peres to mediate?

Maybe it's just my problem. But it seems to me that over the years we Israelis have been so focused on ourselves that we have lost interest in the world around us. Corner any Israeli and ask him who is the newest character on the TV show 'It's a Wonderful Country' and they'll gladly tell you: "Hanna Lazlow."

Murder in Congo with trivia

At this point, if you chuck them on the shoulder and say in a friendly tone, "Listen, if we're already standing here doing nothing, can you tell me in which recent war three million people were killed?"

I have a sense that in the best case scenario, they might remember that it's got something to do with Africa.

The place where three million people were murdered, if you want to know, is a country called the Congo, an excellent place to lay on one's back and look at the scenery until the vultures come to pick your bones clean.

While you are doing this, I, together with my home excellent research department, at have prepared a trivia quiz:

1) Who won the 'Dancing with Stars’ competition?

2) Who is the prime minister of France?

3) Which new Knesset member also owns a cosmetics company?

4) How much foreign aid does Israel get from the US?

5) Has Shiri Maimon had breast implants?

6) Which countries, in addition to the US, are participating in the multinational force in Iraq?

Okay, let's analyze the results. First of all, good try, but number two was a trick question. Jacques Chirac is the president of France, not the prime minister. Secondly, if you read newspapers, in the last six months in one way or another all the answers were covered.

I'm sure that I heard on TV at least five times which countries are part of the multinational force in Iraq. I also read it in the newspaper, heard it on the radio while driving in the car and followed it on the Internet. Yet, the only thing I can tell you for sure is that I know Shiri had breast implant surgery.

Clean place in the brain

Sometimes I imagine the inside of my brain as a very clean place, a little like the new Ben-Gurion Terminal 2000, where smiling hostesses with megaphones direct the information that is trying to enter: Economic news turn left and continue outside, international relations to the waiting room please. Peace process, you've been asked 1,000 times not to crowd.

How did this happen to us? Research shows that Israelis listen to radio news more than any other people in the world, and we're also the world's leading readers of newspapers and in second place for buying books.

Yet, it all seems to slide off of us without leaving a trace. This might sound a bit extreme, but ask yourselves the following question: What's the difference between the US Senate and Congress? If the answer is clear to you, I invite you to write an angry letter to me at the newspaper ([email protected]) and call me 'the idiot with the gel in his hair who knows nothing.’

It won't help anything, but my partner, may she live a long life, believes it is very liberating.

Ridiculous research studies

As if this isn't enough, I think we are also in first place for ridiculous research studies. In a file next to my desk I keep newspaper articles which are particularly fascinating. There a yellowing clip about a study done four years ago that claims "82 percent of the Israelis oppose moving the Diagonal Strip."

I am willing to bet my car (third hand, '99, for sale), that at least 90 percent of the Israelis, including yours truly, don't exactly know where or what this Diagonal Strip is and why it needs to move. What's wrong, can't it take a cab on its own?

Essentially it doesn't really bother us because instead of that annoying habit of actually learning something, we're doing something much more fun, and that is expressing our opinions about subjects about which we know absolutely nothing.

Instead of dealing with facts that get in the way, we know we won't vote for (Labor Chairman Amir) Peretz because of his moustache, we'll support (Prime Minister Ariel) Sharon because he's really a sweetheart and we'll get angry at (Likud Chairman Benjamin) Netanyahu because he and Sara (his wife) once went skiing on the Diagonal Strip.

By the way, 90 percent of the world's Muslims are Sunnis.