I've always been accused of being cold, emotionally and sexually, and eventually, although I knew inside that if I wasn't devoting myself, then it must be for good reason, I believed it. Because at that particular time and with that particular man it was true. I felt cold and I was cold.
There has never been a man that hasn't insulted me with his lack of dedication, and his ignorance of my needs, and I've never met a man I could count on not to hurt me. That’s where the physical taps into the emotional – my most familiar feeling is the strong wish for sealing the head that’s between my legs. It made me angry that I had to control myself, knowing that if I didn't, I would accidentally be circumcised. Besides, it's obvious that such a man would forget that I'm allergic to aspirin in the event that I'd be rushed to the hospital, unconscious.
You can't trust a man that hurts you in bed, with anything. When you are at your most vulnerable, your relationship becomes characterized as that of a mother and child (or of owner and dog) – you are a small creature that can't defend itself from the world, that can't ask for anything or say anything (and you really don't want to be in a position where you can talk anyway), and your man is the only person responsible for your well being.
If you can't trust him with that, you can't trust him with anything. Maybe that’s the thing about chemistry, maybe I'm too sensitive, and maybe, just maybe, they don't have the slightest idea what the hell they're doing down there, and maybe they don’t really care anyway.
Disappointment in bed isn’t only disappointment in bed – it's disappointment in the man as a whole. Sex is basically the microcosm of everything else. That’s why it happens that what goes on in a relationship looks good from the outside and on paper, but when it comes to the bedroom, everything erupts and frustration rises.
Can't exist without it
Even if everything is going well, all is running smoothly, and everyone aggress on how the kids should be raised, if the sex isn't working, an insurmountable lack of satisfaction will lead to cheating and the end of the relationship. There are always problems, but what decides the fate of the relationship is how things are in bed. Relationships may not be all about sex, but they definitely can't exist without it.
The body has the last word on the compatibility level and the quality of communication. If the sex is working, no matter what went on during the day, everything passes, becomes smaller, sillier and solvable.
People always say that sex isn't everything, and that it passes anyway, and that there are more important things, like trust, communication, and love. But I'm saying, what's trust if not the knowledge that you can be exposed, unconscious, completely wanton to his mercy, and know, theoretically, that if you were to go into a clinical coma, nothing bad would happen to you?
What's communication if not his knowledge of what you want every second of the day? And if those two things put together aren't love, then I don't know what is!
And there's a bonus, I talk a lot less. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I've become a call screening, misanthropic, sheet leech and I have no time to think, and also because an invisible hand is poking my brain and putting it back in place. No need to be anatomically petty – maybe it's not a hand.
But one thing is for sure – my mind is somewhere between my navel and my rectum.