Alexander the Great

Israel achieved a great victory this week. Not just any old victory – it was a triumph over the United States of America. Kobi Alexander, a right-wing Israeli, managed to escape the "damp and narrow cell" of Windhoek, Namibia.

It was Alexander's bold spirit, a spirit that was hardened in the harsh Israeli business climate and in the Israel Defense Forces that enabled him to stand up against the wicked American Haman.

This was more or less the description given in the Israeli media regarding the arrest and release on bail of the abovementioned Alexander. The media, including Yedioth Ahronoth, celebrated the exploits of this erudite man. They all dispatched reporters to the distant Namibia to cover the giant legal battle between the Israeli David and the American Goliath.

The poverty report, not to mention the unnecessary drawn out legal proceedings of an Israeli in an Israeli jail –matters of this nature have never warranted such massive public interest, photographs and media coverage as was dedicated to Alexander's plight.

Of course, the Israeli Alexander was persecuted in vain. There's no arguing with the facts. Mr. Alexander managed Comverse, an Israeli company whose shares are traded on the American stock exchange. As is customary in capitalist societies, the company "decided" to hand out stock options to its employees.

A stock option is the right to purchase stock at a certain price. The profit, if there is one, is calculated by the difference between the price of the stock option on the day it was distributed and the price on the day it is actually purchased.

Let's say the stock is sold at 100, and distribution of the option is made when the stock is valued at 90 – the profit is 10.

Mr Alexander, our Israeli hero, discovered that on a certain date the value of the stock was 85. He then recorded the option as having been distributed at 85, despite the fact that the value on that particular day was 90 – he made a profit of 15.

NY prosecutor insists on apprehending thieves

Not bad. But there is a slight problem here, it is theft. In New York there is a public prosecutor who insists on apprehending thieves. At first Comverse denied the allegations.

Later it set up a committee of inquiry that admitted to the allegations. Next, the Israeli hero was ousted, and he is now arguing that the whole affair was a technical error or something to that effect.

Although he had spent many years in the holy city of New York, Mr. Alexander, the Israeli hero, decided that the atmosphere in the American financial capital was dingy – and he fled just like any run-of-the-mill fugitive.

Alexander, it appears, is not just an (allegedly) successful thief. He is smart as well. Our national hero could have returned to his homeland, the country he loves so much and whose papers he enjoys reading – as reported by journalists who accompanied him to court.

However, in Israel all too often there are heat waves, occasional power outages, but most importantly, Israel has an extradition agreement with the wicked US.

Cool breeze of Windhoek

And then Alexander recalled the cool breeze of Windhoek in Namibia that has yet another minor advantage: It does not have an extradition agreement with the wicked Americans.

There in the sacred city of Windhoek, Alexander led a modest life, and celebrated the Jewish holidays, until the wicked Americans tracked him down. The US government appealed to the Namibian government to apprehend him in order to extradite him.

American chutzpah was simply unbelievable: They asked Namibia to sign the extradition agreement and to amend the law accordingly. It is a downright chutzpah to torture an Israeli hero in such a way.

Alexander's attorney explained the family's relocation to the far-off Namibia by arguing that his client was suffering from anxiety and depression. And indeed, if this is the state of affairs, it is only proper that our hero receive adequate medical attention instead of a damp prison cell.

Upon leaving the courthouse, all the telltale signs of depression disappeared from our hero's face. He smiled, he laughed, he kissed his family, he even remembered how to drive. The accompanying reporters couldn't detect a hint of his deep anxiety and depression. This demonstrates that when it comes to an Israeli hero, even the journalists lose their medical conscience.

So what do we have here? According to the testimonies at the committee of inquiry at Comverse, and the US indictment, Alexander is a suspected thief, a son of the highest income bracket.

By the way, there are dozens of Americans who have reached this respected status, but our Israeli is a hero. He is a God. He defeated the American persecutors (from whom he stole); however, without their money Israel would not have been founded.