Soldier: I could have saved Gilad
When Gilad Shalit was abducted 'A' guarded at the watchtower, since then his life hasn't been the same: He suffers from nightmares; he's not eating or sleeping and is convinced terrorists are out to kill him – but mostly he is riddled by feelings of guilt
Since that hot June morning, when IDF soldier Gilad Shalit was abducted, 'A's life hasn’t been the same. 'A' is not related to Shalit, neither was he a close friend. He only knew him for 4-5 days. But 'A' was there on that watchtower during those terrible moments when terrorists dragged Shalit from his tank and took him with them.
Since then nothing has been the same. Day has turned into night and night into day. He is constantly haunted by fears, he has began bedwetting, he lights cigarette after cigarette and stares into space desperately as he waits for the terrorists to come and get him too. He fights the omnipresent feelings of guilt that don't let up even for a moment.
"I feel that Gilad Shalit was kidnapped because of me," he says adamantly, "had I done more, perhaps I would have been able to save him. Had I spotted the abduction, I wouldn't have let it happen even if it had cost me my life. I am now completely detached from life, I can't bear what's happening to me, because at the moment of truth I failed."
Now 'A' is embarking on another battle, a battle that may bring back part of the life he lost: He is asking the Defense Ministry to recognize him as a shellshock victim.
Terrorists around the house
Twenty-seven year-old 'A', married and the father of an eight-month-old baby came to the interview accompanied by a family member. He wore a wide-brimmed black hat and dark glasses, which he didn't remove for a second. This, it turned out, was to prevent the terrorists who were after him from recognizing him. In a trembling voice he recalled the moments of fear that are still very much alive in his mind. Once in a while he broke into tears that shook his entire body.
It happened on Sunday, June 25th, at an IDF post close to Kibbutz Kerem Shalom. As the sun rose, eight terrorists infiltrated the base through a tunnel and proceeded to attack the post. The terrorists, who were divided into three cells, came out of the tunnel while being shielded by a row of trees; they surprised the soldiers from behind. One cell attacked an empty armored personnel carrier. The other cell fired a missile towards a tank and hurled grenades into it. Two soldiers were killed; the tank driver and the gunner Gilad Shalit were wounded.
During this time, two other terrorists surged on the watchtower where 'A', a standing army soldier serving in the Desert Reconnaissance Force, was on guard with two other soldiers at the time. A battle raged at the post and two soldiers were killed. Meanwhile, the remaining soldiers dragged wounded Gilad Shalit from the tank, they retreated while firing a missile towards the border fence, piercing a hole into it.
"I was on the 27 meter high watchtower with two other soldiers," recalls 'A', "suddenly during the early morning hours, my post was hit directly by an RPG missile. A heavy round of fire, such as I have never heard before hit us. I saw a terrorist climbing the watchtower. He almost reached the top of the tower. I fired towards him. As a result of the fire, the explosives he was carrying were hit and he was killed. I continued shooting and throwing grenades.
"One of the soldiers went into shock, the second one was hit in the shoulder and screamed in pain. I tried dressing the wound, but the shooting didn't let up. I used up my rounds of ammunition, so I took the wounded soldier's ammunition. I heard the steps of another terrorist climbing the watchtower. I shot and killed him," he said.
"I didn't know that during this time a battle was going on below, that there were other terrorists inside the base. Had I known I would have descended the tower and continued fighting. In exercises carried out at the base we were given explicit orders not to leave the watchtower until an order is given to do so. Around 7am one of the officers called us to come down."
Only after descending the watchtower, supporting his wounded comrade, 'A' discovered the extent of the tragedy that unfolded below: Two soldiers were killed, Gilad Shalit was kidnapped. "I couldn't believe it. I only got to know Gilad a few days earlier. He was quiet, sensitive and very nice. I went into shock; I trembled all over, my spirits broke. I burst into tears, I threw up, I began perspiring, I felt a terrible sense of suffocation and guilt. Had I surged at the terrorists with the first shot perhaps Gilad would have been with us today. But I froze. I didn’t notice the actual kidnapping in the commotion of the battle.
"I and the other soldiers I was with were taken to the Soroka hospital. I was afraid that the terrorists would come back to kill me. When I got home, I closed the windows and doors and told my wife that they would be back for me during the night. My wife was shocked by my behavior; she couldn't understand what I was going through," 'A' added.
"I kept hearing terrorists around my home trying to plant explosive devices. Since then, every morning I go downstairs to check where they put the explosives. I hardly sleep at night. If I fall asleep for a few minutes, I have nightmares. Suddenly I see yellow snakes coming out of a tank and trying to eat me. I am living on borrowed time. I am sure t the terrorists, will ultimately get me.
'A' continued: I am alive but dead. I am not in touch with anyone, besides going out for psychological treatments, with someone accompanying me of course, I don’t leave the house. I am impatient, I can't bear hearing voices. I have no appetite, and if I do eat I throw up. I don't touch meat. During the attack, body parts flew towards me, and since then I can't look at meat, I certainly can't eat it. The smell of blood is always in the air and I keep hearing voices from the incident."
He spends his time staring into space. He can't even watch TV or read a newspaper. He lives on coffee and cigarettes, and so far he has shed 10 kilograms of his body weight. Even his eight- month-old baby daughter can't get a smile out of him.
Sees a psychiatrist regularly
He was born in one of the northern villages. When he was two-years-old his father passed away and he went to live with his mother and two sisters at his grandfather's house. "He never made me feel as though we didn’t have a father. Grandfather taught me to love the State and to contribute, to overcome obstacles and to go as far as possible," 'A' said.
At 17 he joined the army. "I wanted to be a fighter; I waited to be enlisted and I trained ahead of time," he said. "I was placed in the Desert Reconnaissance Forces as a combat fighter. I served everywhere, in Kissufim, Gaza and throughout the West Bank and Philadelphi Roite. I went through shootings and terror attacks, crowd dispersion, terrorist ambushes, stone throwing, I dealt with everything."
Two months after he was released from the military 'A' returned to the standing army as a combat driver and went through a tracker's course. In one of the battles in which he partook, his company commander captain Shlomo Cohen was killed, and in another incident two of his good friends were killed. 'A' said nothing broke him until the day Gilad Shalit was abducted.
'A' hasn’t returned to the army since that event. "I am alone and lonely," he said, "and I am partly responsible for my situation because I find it difficult to contact friends from the past. They remind me of that terrible event. I prefer being alone. On the other hand, sometimes I want my friends, who were once so close, to keep in touch with me. They have all disappeared. Perhaps they are afraid to catch my illness. It's a shame because they may have been able to ease my suffering."
'A' sees a psychiatrist regularly, receives psychotherapeutic treatments and is on medication. Despite his own personal suffering, his military salary has been cut in half.
Recently, ahead of submitting a legal demand to the Defense Ministry to be recognized as a shellshock victim, he was examined by a psychiatrist who found a direct link between his psychological condition and the traumatic event.
The psychiatrist determined that 'A' is disconnected from his surroundings, suffers from insomnia, constant reenactments of the traumatic event and he is almost totally dysfunctional on a personal, social and employment level. He evaluated his condition as being 70 percent handicapped.
