Police Commissioner Karadi, shalom. I understand that you have been busy trying to rehabilitate the image of the police. I wanted to propose, humbly, in that spirit you would weigh the option of losing the 20 or so kilos that you have added to your girth since taking on the job.
I don't want to get into your kishkes but you have a public image. You are the face of the police and we would be very happy to know that the national commissioner looks less like Fuad Ben Eliezer (infrastructure minister) and more like Jack Bauer. The public sense of security would improve greatly Mr. Karadi, sir, if you looked more like you could actually catch a thief and less like a stuffed pita.
Ehud Barak, hello. It has been rumored that you are unsure of whether to return to politics. Return to your wife Nava, and then we'll talk.
Assad, ahlan. You have been spreading rumors that you are ready to discuss peace with Israel without preconditions. We wanted to ask you why the hell we need that precondition? Why ruin the chances for peace before we have even begun to talk? Why condition the talks on the fact that there are no preconditions? Why do we need this precondition? Do you even want peace, for goodness sake?
Science minister, greetings. We recently read a study indicating that many resources are being invested in a new invention: A plane that sounds like a washing machine. I wanted to tell you, honorable minister, that this is an invention that is really in demand.
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| Hanukkah, fun for everyone? / Chanoch Daum |
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There's always one sad kid, one with no parents at kindergarten's Hanukkah party. For him I pray |
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Arkadi Gaydamak, hello. I was at the Hanukkah party you organized and had a really good time unlike all the show offs who criticized your activities. I am actually in favor of people who enjoy giving and donating. I don't really care what motivates them.
I mean, you finance the Beitar soccer team so what difference does it make what your motive is? The important thing is that there's a championship. Your detractors, Mr. Gaydamak, say you want to buy the country, and I say, what's wrong with that? Didn't you look after the residents of the north during the war in Lebanon? And with your money couldn't you have conducted the war more creatively than Amir Peretz?
You want to buy the country. Try it. It's worth a shot at least once. Maybe if we transfer the running of the country into private hands things will improve.
Moni Fanan, hello. After Maccabbi Tel Aviv's excellent basketball game, another one in which you ran up and down like someone requiring a healthy dose of Ritalin, you explained that you came to the game because you don't abandon children. Well, if the Maccabbi players are your children that means that Derek Sharp, Green, Beinum, Vischich and Arnold are your sons. What the hell does mom look like?
George Bush, salutations. Somehow it was decided that you are the adult responsible for this world and for the Middle East. I would like to propose a solution to the conflict in the Middle East - couples counseling. In the end, Mr. Bush, we're talking about a relationship.
Israel, let's admit it is the sexiest chic around this region. We want Assad to call and make a date because we want to go out with him but we want to be sure he wants a serious relationship with a wedding and everything.
We are afraid he just wants to screw us and that's all. We also want him to call and not just send messages. And when he comes here on our first date he better not play games. We know what interests him alright. He's a man and all he wants is the Golan. But he can forget getting that far on the first date. As if. He's going to need to prove himself, appear serious and then we'll talk about occupied territory. Couples counseling, Mr. Bush, that is what we need.
Orna and Moshe Datz, shalom. We are sorry you are splitting up and we sincerely hope you find more happiness quickly in your new lives. My son, in any case has asked me to ask you, in the property settlement who is getting Tif and who is getting Tof?
Winograd, Almog, Zeidler and all the rest of the respectable people who are currently absorbed in the investigations of the Paranian Brothers Affair, the abduction of the IDF soldiers in the north, the Second Lebanon War, Benny Sela's escape and so on: It's old, trust me it's very old.
Your commissions are part of a tired ritual. They convene, do an on-location photo shoot once, leak their interim report and in the end the voluminous report recommending a dozen or more things for improving is shuffled off to the State archives. Therefore, thanks but no thanks. We're sick of the commissions and had enough of the voluminous findings. We want to feel the changes, not just read about them.
Amir Peretz, shalom. I read in a column by Nahum Barnea that the defense ministry discussions on strategy put you to sleep and well, I was comforted. There is no doubt that to win the next war, it is preferable that you sleep during important meetings. Who said you can't draw conclusions from failures made during the war.?
Miki Attia , a soccer player for Hapoel Beer Sheva said that gangsters put money in his pocket and informed him that he needs to play with only 30 percent of his ability. I ask, young Mr. Daum, isn't 30 percent of his ability all Attia uses without being bribed?
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