Tipping the scales of marriage
The trickiest question in the all wide world is 'did I put on weight'. Be careful when replying
1
Last Shabbat, right after we got home from synagogue, Efrat threw me this look and asked quietly: Do you think I’ve put on weight?
2
There are moments in a man’s life which require quick response. If the wife asks you about another woman, if she is prettier or if you also think her salad was fantastic, you not only have to give her the answer she is expecting to hear but you also have to do it quickly.
If there’s even one second more than necessary of hesitation you are in trouble. But I said you haven’t put on any weight, say that to your insulted wife in a tone of discouragement and she will respond: Yes, but you didn’t answer immediately.
3
It’s just that last Shabbat things got a little complicated when I found out the hard way that answering too quickly is also a mistake. It turns out that if the wife asks you if she’s gotten fat, there is a difference between pausing which indicates doubt, and shouting out in a mega-second, which appears insincere.
We’re talking about a very delicate thing here: The response has to be rapid enough that it doesn’t appear we hesitated but not so fast that it doesn’t seem automatic. One needs a lot of sensitivity in these situations. A whole lot.
4
You couldn’t have formed an opinion so quickly, Efrat replied suspiciously. You only said I haven’t gained weight to make me happy. But I am serious, Chanoch, and I want an honest answer. Do you think I’ve gotten fat?
At this stage, my brothers, it is crucial not to back down. A naive man will take this comment and do what she asks. He will tell his wife he is sorry that he was so quick to respond and will look her over in order to ascertain whether she has indeed gained weight. This is a mistake of course. Beware of the trap: You need to answer immediately and without hesitation: No, you have not gained weight. Again the second time around, he who hesitates is lost.
5
So what you are saying is that I’ve lost weight? Asks Efrat. Quiet permeates the room. Guys, regarding the question: Have I lost weight? One never says no but answering yes without surveying the situation is a mistake. Therefore, as opposed to the ‘no’ a response must be slow in coming in order to seem sincere. For this reason it was a few seconds before I answered in the affirmative. Yes, I said looks like you’ve lost a little weight.
6
Liar, Efrat answered surprisingly. I have not lost weight and the fact that you responded so quickly proves you are lying. So how can I believe you when you say I haven’t gotten fat? Are you sure I don’t look thinner? I tried to look surprised. I haven’t lost weight, Efrat said defiantly, but I haven’t gained either. I’ve been the same weight for two years. I get on the scale regularly I don’t understand, I wondered angrily, if you weigh yourself regularly then why do you ask me my opinion? Because I wanted an outsider’s opinion, Efrat said. Outside of what I asked, outside of the facts?
7
Don’t try and evade the issue, Efrat said. The fact is that you responded too quickly when I asked you if I had gained weight. When I asked if I looked as if I lost weight you took a few seconds to answer. That bothers me because if you had thought that I had gained 100 pounds you would say so and not hide it from me. It’s more important to me that you are honest with me than telling me I lost weight.
But I don’t think you’ve gained 100 pounds and I don’t think you have gained any weight at all. You yourself said that you are exactly the same. The scale isn't always accurate, she said. Oh, and I am? No, but to you I am married. What you say is more important to me than what the scale says.
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If what I say is important to you then here is something that I truly believe: I have no idea if you’ve gained weight or lost it and it isn’t because I ignore you. It’s because I love you too much to care how much you weigh. It’s not important to me. Even if you gain 25 pounds you will still be the most beautiful woman I have ever met with the sweetest smile there is.
9
What a sweetheart, said Efrat. So you think I am prettier than Angelina Jolie? You know what, I said delicately, because I happen to be looking at the album of photos of Angelina Jolie that I put next to the bed, including pictures from past years, I think the two of you are equally pretty. The ideal situation would be to be married to both of you. That would be the ultimate combination.
Being married to both of us, Efrat pondered. ou mean that I would wash the dishes while you and Angelina have fun in the bedroom? Oh, God forbid, I said. I would wash the dishes while the two of you are in the bedroom. When I finish the dishes I would come and watch the two of you.
What a sweetie you are, Efrat said. And you know, my pet, that I know that you think Angelina is prettier than me. I’m not jealous, quite the contrary. I give her credit and also allow you to think about her Thanks sweetheart, I said with a patronizing smile. Tell me, what about me, does it look like I’ve put on weight?
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A little, Efrat shot back without hesitating. You asked if I though you have gained weight? You look like the result of jelly doughnut filler that broke down. If you keep eating like this, we’ll have to enlarge the house and borrow some clothes from former MK Shaul Yahalom. Why did you ask?
No, I said in an insulted tone, I thought that you would lie, even a little. You know. You want lies, asked Efrat. Sure. Go on up to the bedroom, Angelina’s waiting. Maybe she’ll agree to tell you how thin you are.
Good God
I ask to use your good services, young Mr. Daum, to ask the people of Israel that with the Passover holiday drawing near, to abandon the obsessive custom of asking everyone and their brother the meaningless question – “Where are you for seder?” Are you expecting some weird answers like: “This year we are having Seder on the roof with Tibetan monks.”
Everyone has Seder with their parents or their relatives. Let it go for crying out loud.
