Child abuse and forbidden speech
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May a woman - who was seriously abused as a child by one of her parents -speak, during a treatment session, about him and the awful experiences she endured? Wouldn’t this be considered to be a violation of the prohibition against negative speech, when the parent in question is no longer alive? Is she obligated to honor her parent after his death, considering her severely distressed emotional state? How must she conduct herself in this regard? What should she do about the anger she feels towards her parent? -- Liat, Central Israel
Answer:
If necessary for treatment, she is permitted and, in fact, obligated to talk about her experiences, to clarify matters and to heal her wounded soul.
The prohibition against negative speech is a serious one. Nevertheless, in certain circumstances, one has to talk about these types of matters.
Rabbi Yisrael Meir HaKohen Kagan’s classic work “Chafetz Chayim” (Rule 10) describes the necessary conditions under which one may talk negatively about others. The main points which are relevant to your specific question are:
1. One must recount only the truth. Neither exaggerating nor altering the facts is permitted.
2. The subject has not fully repented (done “teshuva”).
3. Talking about the matter serves a purpose (in terms of the treatment).
4. The report must be recounted in context only. If it is conceivable that the other side perceives the matter in a different light, one must mention the opposing viewpoint.
5. After all the facts have been provided, one may express and describe one’s feelings. While one may not embellish, one should also not restrain oneself when articulating these emotions.
All of the above applies especially when the abuser in question is no longer alive. Judaism insists that a person is responsible for his or her actions. Furthermore, there is no way to atone for interpersonal sins without repenting and being forgiven by the injured parties.
Abuse – as described in your question – leaves scars in its wake. The victims continue to suffer every single hour of every single day for the rest of their lives. Thus, the abuser’s sin drags on and even grows in intensity, as long as the victims are still in pain.
When the abuser dies, his sin persists in yielding venomous fruit within the victims he has left behind. As a result, the sin continues to become even graver, and there is no way for the abuser to reverse the process.
Every one of us would love to be able to somehow mitigate the results of our sins and thereby free ourselves from guilt.
In the specific case at hand, when talking about the abuse – in a therapeutic environment – can facilitate the victim’s healing process, the abuser’s soul benefits as well. If the victim is rehabilitated, the abuser’s “account” no longer garners “interest” from the abuse.
You also asked about honoring an abusive parent. If the parent repented and ceased his evil ways, he must be honored. However, halachic authorities differed in cases – such as the questioner’s - where the victim still suffers.
In “Birchei Yosef” (241), Rabbi Yosef Chaim Azoulai – known as the Chida – cited Rabbi Chaim Ben Atar. The latter ruled - in his work “Rishon Letzion” -that one should not honor a father who continues in his evil ways. However, the Chida disagreed with this opinion.
Ashkenazi arbiters declared that one does not have to honor an evil parent. (See the Rama in Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De’ah 240:18.)
In your specific case – where the parent has died – honoring him would interfere with the unfortunate victim’s healing and recovery. Therefore, you may rely on those who state that an evil parent does not have to be honored. On the other hand, the father should not be cursed or humiliated in public.
I pray that you are able to find peace of mind and spirit.
(Rabbi Dror Brama)
