5 tips for Netanyahu

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has embarked on one of these trips that are usually referred to as “dramatic,” “decisive” and “momentous.” All we can do at this time is to offer some advice:

Tip #1: Have you read a newspaper recently? Have you listened to the radio? Have you been watching television? If you did, you likely heard and saw the bunch of sycophants who have been referring to the man elected to sit at the White House as an “amateur,” “mediocre,” and “professional screw-up”; some idiot even referred to him as “anti-Semite.” All we needed was another idiot that would draw our attention to Barack Obama’s skin color, in order to become entangled with tens of millions of afro-Americans, who do not like us too much as it is.

So we’ve got news for you: You are wiser than all of these people. Even if they were 100% right, we all have a problem: This “amateur” is the US president and leader of the Western world. My late mother would refer to this, in Yiddish, as a “minor problem.”

Tip #2 (which you don’t need): You always knew, and now you know more than ever, that Israel depends on the US. Should Obama truly become angry, we will be down on the floor. Those who propose that we disregard him and America are unaware of the extent to which the US is involved in every detail of our lives and in stocking our warehouses.

You know that without Washington we have no hope on the security and diplomatic fronts, and you also know better than to test America.

Tip #3: The applause of the 5,000 Jews at the AIPAC Conference will be deafening when you take the podium. But don’t be confused: This is how the Jews have received all of Israel’s prime ministers, because they know the Americans are gauging the applause level. And don’t get confused about something else: Israel’s place in the hearts of many Jews is not at all similar to the place we had there when you lived and worked in the US.

Sadly, more and more Jews are severing their attachment to Israel, and many of them believe we’re a crazy country. The Jewish lobby is still powerful, yet in private conversations many of its members would tell you that Israel (and you personally) is making it more difficult for them with its conduct (and with your own conduct.)

In your speech, don’t go for winks. Clearly say what you dream of and aspire to. And a side-note: Don’t repeat the foolish mistake of your ambassador, Michael Oren; meet with members of the leftist J Street and listen to their arguments. You are Israel’s prime minister and you should be hearing everyone, even if you don’t accept their views.

Tip #4: In a face-to-face conversation with President Obama you can attempt to wink and explain, but don’t expect this president to secretly collaborate with you on dishonest moves. If you do not truly mean what you said at Bar-Ilan University about two states, and if you have no diplomatic plan, you would do well to immediately become sick with the flu and call off the trip.

You will likely also speak to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The lady drew great love for Israel from her husband, and her tough conduct hides great sympathy for the Zionist enterprise. If you turn her too into an enemy, we’re screwed. The only friend you’ll be left with is Uzi Arad.