A room of their own

Shelter for abused religious women offers help in a community that views leaving home as betrayal

Tamar Dresler|Published: 02.05.12 , 22:19

N. fled to the "Bat Melech" (Hebrew for “daughter of a king”) shelter, a non- profit organization. "I was non-existent. He paralyzed me," she said. It was only after five hard years of abuse and oppression that N. dared to leave her husband. On a moment's decision, she packed a few things and ran away from a house that had become her prison along with her young children.

Yet while all abuse situations are fraught with fear, stress and stigma, N.'s case is different. As an ultra-Orthodox woman in her 20s who has lived all her life in a religious environment, the moment she made the decision to leave she did not only affect her marital situation. In a community where marital responsibility lies solely with the woman, she is now seen as a home-breaker in a classic case of “blaming the victim.” Her children’s prospects in the matchmaking world are also in peril now.

Community in denial

The ultra-Orthodox and religious communities have denied for years that such a problem exists in their midst. Today, some of rabbis take part in the fight against violence and understand that this is something they need to be dealing with. But still, the path to freedom for an abused Orthodox woman is filled with obstacles and heartache.

"No wonder that many give up and stay at home, some go home after spending some time at the shelter, most don't have support from their families. In many cases the shame still stops the families from helping their daughters," says Sal'it, the shelter’s manager.

Even in cases where it is clear that the women suffer from physical and mental abuse, sometimes to the point of a miscarriage as result of the beatings, the family does not intervene. The strict education, which designates women to a certain position in the community, does not allow exceptions. "Go back to your husband and don't shame us," is the message some of the women heard before escaping.

Noach Korman, CEO of "Bat Melech," did not imagine his future as the head of an organization that helps abused ultra-Orthodox women. He started his career as a successful private attorney, and only after representing several abused women did he find out that there are no resources for them, often prompting them to stay in the abusive situation. That is when he decided to do something and established a shelter and transition apartment under the name "Bat Melech," dedicated to religious women in distress.

There are 10 rooms in the shelter, with one or two women staying in each room with her children. The kitchen is glatt kosher and the women are responsible for cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the children. The women stay in the shelter for approximately six months, as is customary in shelters for secular women, but some get approval to stay longer.

Sal'it admits that life in the shelter, together with the shock and separation from their community, is not easy for women who have lived all their lives in a closed community. However, she is sure of one thing – these women are happy.

"Despite being cut off from their community and having to make it on their own, I think they are happy. Life outside the oppression and violence as well as personal empowerment contribute to a feeling of personal value to those who never felt that their life was worth anything,” she says.

Teaching the rabbis

N. managed to run away with the help of her family, who insisted on staying in touch, despite the tracking and surveillance of her husband. In five years of marriage she never attended synagogue on Shabbat. The neighbors did not interfere. "I think they knew something was wrong, but in our community my husband is considered a tzadik (saint), and they did not interfere,” she says.

In addition to the shelter, there is a hotline that receives no less than 100 calls a month from ultra-Orthodox women, worried friends, neighbors and social services nationwide. The organization has a legal aid department to help the women receive the services they are entitled to. Unfortunately, it has suffered severe cut backs due to financial constrictions.

One of the main issues that the organization deals with is teaching and guiding rabbis on this issue. "It's important to give the rabbis the tools. Many times an abused woman will go to a rabbi, and it’s important to let the rabbis know what the options are and give them the tools to support these women," Korma says.

In order to approach rabbis in the ultra-Orthodox communities, the organization produced a movie and special pamphlet, wherein it gathered all the Halachic (religious law) sources forbidding violence against women. In N.'s case, the rabbi she went to tried to convince her she was imagining things. "Sometimes I almost believed him, maybe I'm not ok, maybe I'm wrong, and maybe my 'tzadik' husband doesn't treat me that way,” she says.

After her escape, N. hid for a few weeks at friends and family. Her husband looked for her obsessively, and only when she got to the shelter could she relax. "Here my child relaxed, and began to blossom. After years of abnormal behavior at school, where no one bothered to check what was going on at home, suddenly here he returned to be the amazing child he is,” she says.

N. will leave the shelter in a few months, but it won't be easy to put aside years of oppression. "I was erased, not a human being. I was bound to his wishes, in complete isolation. He paralyzed me,” she says. “He said he did me a favor in marrying me and that I'm not worth it, and that my family isn't worth it. But I changed my life and my children's lives.”

N. has some advice to women in her situation. "Don't be silent; don't turn a blind eye. During the engagement period, if there is something wrong, speak up. After marriage don't let the snowball effect of violence grow bigger. Turn to the right people or it will just get worse. The damage to the children, living under terrorist rule, is tremendous,” she says.

She also has a message to the families: “Offer support; one can't break the cycle of silence alone."