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Sharon and her partner on their wedding day

The freedom to marry: Israel, you owe us $900

Op-ed: Sharon Banian got married 'in accordance with the law of Moses and (the People of) Israel,' but her rabbi was Conservative and a woman. Because the State of Israel does not recognize Jewish marriages not officiated through the ultra-Orthodox Chief Rabbinate, Sharon and her husband had to travel to Cyprus to get married for the second time.

There were witnesses—400 of them—at our wedding ceremony. There was a ring—even two rings—and the groom said “Behold you are consecrated unto me with this ring.” But the State of Israel does not care about the Halacha (Jewish law), and the marital status on our IDs remained “single.” The name of the game is power and domination.

 

 

So we traveled to Cyprus, we said “I do,” and we were pronounced married. While this ceremony was not “in accordance with the law of Moses and (the People of) Israel,” it was completely acceptable to the State of Israel.

 

Dear Israel, you owe me and my husband NIS 3,300 ($900)—almost the average monthly salary of a student. Since there is only one way to be Jewish here, we spent almost a month's salary to get married. For the second time.

 

Sharon and her partner get married in Israel
Sharon and her partner get married in Israel

 

We were forced to have two weddings, in two separate countries, so that the State of Israel would recognize us as a married couple. The first wedding took place a year ago, according to all the rules of protocol: a Mikveh (ritual bath), a white dress, a suit, my hair was styled, we had a ketubah (Jewish wedding certificate), photographer, excitement and photos. However, instead of an Orthodox Rabbi who doesn't know us and who is part of the corrupt institution called The Chief Rabbinate, the rabbi who married us was Conservative female Rabbi Tamar Elad Applebaum.

 

I first got to know Rabbi Tamar fifteen years ago, when I was twelve years old. Ever since, she has accompanied me, and for the past three years, she has been accompanying both my partner and myself.

 

Tamar is a scholar, a community leader and person that makes everyone stop and think. Not about anything in particular, just think. She is my rabbi, as per the instruction to “Find yourself a rabbi.” But to the Chief Rabbinate, she is nothing.

 

We chose a different way, out of love for Judaism  

After we decided to get married, we started thinking about several questions: Where? In the Jerusalem area. When? In the spring, of course. And most importantly: How? This is a question that has become more and more common in the past few years among couples such as ourselves, who grew up in secular or traditional homes, or even those from religious Zionist homes.

 

It was clear to me that we would not marry through the Rabbinate. As for my partner, at first, it was merely something that he considered less important. Once we dove into the process, we both realized that the Rabbinate was surely not an option for us. My husband was a major in the Air Force, and I was a captain in the army reserves and a law student, just before my internship. We wouldn't have had a problem getting married through the Rabbinate. Still, we chose not to do so. Out of love for Judaism and Zionism, we chose a different way.

 

The process we went through with Rabbi Tamar was characterized by a deep connection to Jewish tradition and culture and to the sources underlying all the stages of the wedding ceremony. It was our personal journey that led us to the decision to get married and to do so in an egalitarian manner. But for the State of Israel this is simply not enough. It is not enough to be married according to the law of Moses and the People of Israel, not enough to live together, as Zionists and Israelis in Israel. You must have an Orthodox rabbi recognized by the Rabbinate.

 

Sharon, her partner, their family and Rabbi Tamar
Sharon, her partner, their family and Rabbi Tamar

 

So, we traveled to Cyprus and joined the queue at the town hall in Larnaca. Ahead of us in line was an Israeli man with his non-Jewish (G-d save us) beloved, and behind us was another Israeli couple. Out of curiosity, I asked the receptionist how many of the couples who come to Larnaca each year to get married are Israelis. Her reply was: “A lot. Simply lots.”

 

We entered a room heavy with red velvet decorations, far too many chairs for guests that did not arrive, romantic music from the mid-eighties, and George. George is the “Marriage Officer” in the Larnaca Municipality—a kind of marriage registrar, if you will—who was sporting a goatee and wearing a chain with a medallion.

 

His job is to marry couples, after confirming that they are indeed unmarried and have decided to wed of their own free will. Just by comparison, the marriage registrar at the Rabbinate usually skips the matter of consent, and thus, for example, marriages take place between minors or as the result of an arranged marriage—but only after verifying their Jewish ethnicity, of course.

 

The ceremony lasted no more than fifteen minutes, after we vowed to love one another and care for each other, to live together in riches or in poverty, in joy and in sadness, until death do us part. Afterwards, we were asked the most Hollywood of questions, and we both replied: I do. That’s it, we received the permit and now we are married. Not “in accordance with the law of Moses and (the People of) Israel,” but certainly to the glory of the State of Israel.

  

Everything, except Judaism  

With each passing year, the number of Israeli couples that forgo marrying through the Rabbinate is on the rise. Some of them marry according to the Halacha (Jewish Law) through the Masorti (Conservative) Movement, some through the Reform Movement or in a secular wedding, and some choose not to have a marriage ceremony at all. The common denominator of all these couples is that they are not registered as married in the population registry.

   

Sharon and her partner in Cyprus.
Sharon and her partner in Cyprus.

 

True, it is better not to register, so as to avoid the Rabbinate in any case. But the only difference that still exists between those who are not registered as married and those who are is when it comes to visas to the United States. If either spouse has ambitions to study or work there, they must be registered as married in the population registry. So, we traveled to Cyprus, just in case either of us might have ambitions.

 

We were lucky enough to have NIS 3,300 to fund our struggle for religious freedom. But what about those that don’t have this kind of money? Hundreds and thousands of couples who are unable to choose otherwise must surrender to the predatory corruption of the Rabbinate—because it's cheaper. They pay and unwittingly support a system that in the year 2017 still sees women as chattel and a couple’s relationship as a system that eliminates a woman’s liberties. A system that even if it is smiling and called Tzohar is still part of an archaic tradition that has not adapted to time and place, and represents a specific minority of the Jewish people.

 

The State of Israel will not give us back to the NIS 3,300 we spent. But the part we played in the struggle for religious freedom in Israel is something that no one can take from us.

 


פרסום ראשון: 03.14.17, 13:07
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