Don’t dis the egoist
Contrary to popular belief, the egoist is not necessarily a bad partner, and, believe it or not, even marrying him has its advantages
“You egoist, you only think of yourself.” Only a few of us have not directed this complaint at our partner at some time or another, because when it comes to love, we expect (perhaps even unconsciously) that the person who loves us would put his needs aside and place ours in the forefront.
Who is the egoist anyway? According to common knowledge, an egoist is someone who tends to his own needs at the expense of others. However, most partners or spouses that we deem egotistical are simply people who are aware of their needs and tend to them without feeling guilty.
For example, the egoist is the one who takes a shower before everyone else because he “really has to freshen up now” – but he will do his best not to use up all the hot water.
This type of egoist is definitely aware of the other person’s needs, but he worries about them only after his own needs are fulfilled; only after he is satisfied can he be generous.
Tying the knot with such a person has its advantages: As someone who looks after his own happiness and wellbeing, the egoist will most-likely invest in himself, both internally and externally, a quality that may help maintain his attractiveness over a long period of time.
He is also independent, and does not expect someone else to guess what his needs are; he takes care of himself, and will not become a miserable victim.
Despite this, most of us have a hard time coming to terms with the callous manner in which the egoist makes his needs known.
As we grew up on the romantic notion whereby lovers are supposed to take care of one another, we have a tough time accepting the more efficient solution, whereby each person in a relationship simply takes care of him or herself.
Feeling suffocated? Go out!
True, it is much more practical when people express and fulfill their own needs without waiting for someone else to guess what those needs are – but it is much more enjoyable when someone else takes care of us; it makes us feel safe and more significant.
Does this mean that we may never be able to live in harmony with an egoist? Not at all. But in order to do so, the couple must make a conscious effort.
The egoist must constantly remind himself that he must also care for his partner, but in time it may become second nature to him.
The woman married to the egoist must stop playing the victim who constantly expects her partner to read her thoughts and guess what her needs are.
She must learn to ask, and negotiate toward a more just allocation of household chores and resources.
In short, she must learn to take care of herself: If no one buys her a birthday present, she should go out and buy one for herself.
If she feels suffocated at home, she should go out on the town, alone or with friends.
Don’t worry! The egoist won’t be angry when his partner suddenly begins speaking his language. On the contrary, he’ll be relieved.
Iris Rietzes is a clinical psychologist.
