Photo: Reuters
Baseball represents “sportsmanship,” a virtue Americans don’t have enough of, Hanania says
Photo: Reuters

Americans know best?

If Israel were a major oil producer, the U.S. would have invaded it years ago

Palestinians and Israelis often complain they just don’t understand Americans. You’re not alone. Most Americans don’t understand Americans.


But thanks to television, Americans believe they understand everything else. Let me explain.

Why do Americans insist on intervening in the Middle East conflict when most Americans can’t tell the difference between a Palestinian and a Pakistani, a Jordanian or a Jew?


At a press conference a few years ago, Chicago’s Mayor Daley said he was in favor of a “Pakistinian state.” So are the people who live in Pakistan, Mr. Mayor.


Most Americans support Israel, but not for the reasons you think. Christian prophecy foretells that Jesus will not return until the Jewish Temple is rebuilt. Of course, they don’t like to talk about the “fine print.” When Jesus does return, Jews and Muslims will all burn in Hell.


The shibboleth that best represents American core values, when they are not thinking about burning non-believers in Hell, is “baseball, mom and apple pie.”


Baseball represents “sportsmanship,” a virtue Americans don’t have enough of, so they cling to the concept tightly.


Respecting mom is also an important American virtue reflecting fundamental family values of equality and a good life.


Want cheap gas


Of course, Americans are so forgetful about mom they need a special holiday to be reminded to remember her. “Mothers Day” comes on the second Sunday in May, and according to some studies, most Americans can’t even remember that.


Finally, there is apple pie. This bakery item symbolizes the love affair Americans have with gluttony. They cook, bake and eat anything to their hearts’ content, which is why most Americans are at least 25 pounds or more overweight.


Obesity is a major health threat in America. It’s not unusual to hear customers at fast food restaurants ordering “super-sized” meals consisting of a double hamburger with cheese and bacon, an extra large order of greasy French fries, and an apple pie coated in sugar. They top it off with a Diet Coke, just to maintain the diet.


Still, there are a few things missing from that list. Like, gasoline. Not just any gasoline, cheap gasoline.


Americans have a lifelong love affair with oil and its primary byproduct, gasoline. It drives the American dream. Americans don’t want to pay the same high prices everyone else around the world is paying.


They want it cheap. While Israelis, and many Europeans are paying more than USD 4 per gallon for gasoline, Americans scream for congressional probes when gasoline prices reach USD 2.50. In fact, up until last year, the price was under USD 2.


Nine years of TV viewing


Not surprisingly, a gallon of milk costs more than a gallon of gasoline and no one has called on congress to investigate the milk industry.


Gasoline is important because Americans drive the biggest cars that consume the most gasoline.


The favorite is the SUV, or Sports Utility Vehicle, which has nothing to do with sports at all. The largest is the super-sized SUV, more commonly called the Hummer, a civilian version of the U.S. Army’s all terrain vehicle.


Another reason Americans support Israel is because Israel has no oil of its own. Believe me, if Israel were a major oil producer, we would have invaded and occupied the country for ourselves years ago.


Americans also spend a fortune to fight the war on terrorism, but care little about other threats that take far more Americans lives, such as the war on drugs, the war on street gangs and the war on AIDS.


More Americans die on American streets as a result of crime than all of the casualties of terrorism worldwide. America has one of the highest murder rates in the world.


Five of the 10 most popular TV programs in America feature crime involving street gangs, drugs and organized crime. The typical American sees 200,000 murders on TV by the time they reach 18 years of age.


Studies also show the average American watches at least 4 hours of TV every day of their life. That equals nine consecutive years of watching TV, non-stop and without a break, for a typical 65 year old American.


And that, my friends, makes Americans the most qualified to tell the rest of the world what they should be doing.


פרסום ראשון: 08.07.05, 08:34
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