Common rhythm equals attraction plus familiarity
צילום: גטי אימג' בנק ישראל
Sex among friends
Is it healthy to start a relationship which is romantic from the get-go?
This week I had an internet chat with a friend, which included the age-old discussion – is it better to start a relationship on the first date which is romantic from the get-go, or instead to first get to know someone, become good friends, hear about how he sleeps around, and about his futile attempts at finding love, get used to one another, have some fun, get intimate – and then fall in love.
Him: But if someone is likeable enough for you to become his good friend, and you take pleasure at his company and find him attractive, why bother waiting?
Me: You wonder why? You and I know full-well that sex is not this amazing thing that people insist it is. After all, at the very moment you have sex, there goes all the fun of the relationship. You shouldn’t do it, unless you are at peace with it. Otherwise, what good is? You can always have sex. It’s better to wait and see if you will fall in love, and then the foundation is strong enough to deal with all the distortions that sex puts into life. It is much more fun that way. What’s better, to sleep with someone and then get to know him? It’s better to hear all the stories and get to know beforehand all the quirks without any delay, and it’s much more real. Besides, I like sexual tension; it’s much more fun than sexual release.
Him: We should really talk about this revulsion you’re developing towards sex, but the question in this case is what happens if everything advances nicely, and then the sex is crap? Then what? Isn’t it a pity to risk a good friendship?
Me: No way.
Him: What do you mean no way?
Me: No way that the sex will be crap. Sex can be crap even without getting to know someone and besides, news flash – everybody has sex the same way.
Him: Ha ha ha.
Me: Yeah, do you really think that there is such a big difference? You truly believe that you all have different techniques? This tongue, or that tongue? What’s the big deal? It’s the same exact course, and the minor changes you all do, you do it anyways because some woman asks you to. Actually, we usually have to draw you an anatomic map with color-coded arrows. The difference is in the level of attraction, and how well you know each other, and whether there is a good level of comfort and a connection. The rest is just a matter of getting in shape.
Him: What, are you serious?
Me: Honestly, I am. And if we are talking about the intensity of the attraction, it just increases as one gets to know one another better, so there is no reason for the sex to be crap, once you know each other. It can be embarrassing and funny, but it sure is much better and less mechanic.
Him: What about size? Width? Depth? Timing? Moves?
Me: Ah, nonsense. It can all be learned. Common rhythm equals attraction plus familiarity. After all, it’s like you dance a little differently with different people, depending on the mood, the music, and all kinds of things you really cannot put number on. Between us, even with the same girl you have sex a little differently each time.
Him: You’ve got a point.
Me: So the last think on my mind is that the sex will be awful after you know each other. It is much more logical that it will be bad when you don’t know one another. The first four times I don’t even count. What worries me, if anything, is that the sex will be a son-of-a-gun, but the relationship won’t hold, then the friendship is really over. On the other hand, friendships end even without sex, so you might as well go with the flow and get on with it.
Him: Well, it’s hard not to agree with you.
Me: I am a good debater, aren’t I?
Him: Yeah, forget about it! But have you got sex in your life?
Me: Ok, you win.
