Could this be Mr. Right? (archive photo)
צילום: ויז'ואל/פוטוס
Identifying destructive relationships
This may come as a surprise, but a guy who doesn't call, whose car 'happens' to be in the shop and who invites you out for breakfast but 'happens' to have forgotten his wallet is probably not your Prince Charming
She sat across from me, a successful 34-year-old business woman, dressed in her best brand-name clothing. This was her third coaching session to help her find an intimate relationship. “I’ve found him! I’ve found the man of my dreams. You have no idea how happy I am,” she declared.
We started the session. She began with a few introductory sentences, and then she began to tell me about the guy. She was so enthusiastic there was an unstoppable flow of words. “Do you remember the guy I met at the singles event a week ago? The event I refused to go to, and you really pushed me. So he called, just like he promised, at 8 p.m. on Friday. He asked if I would go out with him. Of course I told him I would. We agreed that an hour later, when he was finished eating at his parents’, he’d call me again. He didn’t call.
"I really wasn’t angry. I was really tired anyway from the insane week I'd had at work, and in any event, he did call the next morning. He didn’t apologize, but he compensated me by offering to go out to breakfast together. He said that his car was in the shop, so I picked him up. After all, I have a car from work…”
Sure of himself?
And there’s more (are you starting to get the picture?): “He was lovely at the meal, he kept on complimenting me. I think that he has great taste in women—every time a woman passed by he looked at her and gave his opinion on her figure and her clothing. He definitely showed good taste in women.
"I really love strong men who are sure of themselves. He also has traveled a lot around the world, he’s a well-rounded businessman. I told him about my job, and he was immediately very interested and he encouraged me. I really felt that I could put him in touch with people who could help him in business.”
And that wasn’t all: “At the end of the meal he gave me a kiss on the cheek. I was on cloud 9. I thought it was kind of strange that he didn’t have cash or a credit card to pay for the meal, but I’m not petty. The next day, Sunday, he called me at work to wish me good morning, even though I don’t like personal calls at work. I told him gently, but he didn’t really understand.”
And here is the best part: “In the evening he called again, but he didn’t suggest that we meet. He told me that he had had a wonderful day at the office and asked if I could give him the cellphone number of the person I promised to put him in touch with. Of course I refused. He sounded a bit agitated, but the conversation ended with him showering me with compliments.
"But now it's been three days and he still hasn’t called. But I know he is very busy. He refused to give me his cellphone number. He explained that he’s the man, so he’s the one who should call a princess like me.…”
Early warning signs
Everyone knows a story like this in one version or another. But what are the early warning signs for identifying a destructive relationship? What are the sentences that you make excuses for? What is the significance of the self image that you bring to a relationship?
The role of a relationship coach is to verify and reflect back to the client what he is experiencing, without being judgmental. To explain to the client that he has the ability to identify the values most important to him, and to assure him he deserves to receive it.
To allow him to appreciate himself. To help him decisions that will allow him to find an appropriate partner with whom he can create a genuine, healthy relationship.
One of the components of an intimate relationship is a feeling of peaceful security. Is there openness and communication and an ability to discuss difficult issues with your partner? And even more important, is there a real and sincere desire to bridge the gaps and to find compromises that will be positive for both members of the couple?
An intimate relationship does not solve emotional problems. Au contraire—it generally exacerbates them. During the following coaching sessions I reflected back to the young woman her ways of conducting herself. We examined what really caused her blindness.
On the practical level, we practiced the personal strengths she brings to an intimate relationship.
Idit Ron is a relationship coach
