'Lovey-Dovey is a language, it’s not who I am'
צילום: ויז'ואל/פוטוס
Lovey-dovey and the cutie-pie
As a couple gets to know each other better, the relationship creates a new, home-made language. The language of intimacy includes two stories woven into one another, and every couple must find its own language. Ofer did not like my lovey-dovey language
“Mick, I want to talk to you about something,” Ofer said, the classic opener for dumping someone. The fettuccini a la Napolitana almost got stuck in my throat. “Look, you are very charming, cute and sensitive, and extremely good to me. I have a great time with you, but I don't think we're such a good fit as a couple.” (That’s a classic break-up line).
Although the element of surprise immobilized me, I managed to say: “I hear what you are saying, but I will make it harder for you. If I am all these great things you’ve just mentioned, which do characterize a partner, where exactly do you see the mismatch between us?”
“Let’s just say that our essence is different. You believe in the ‘cutie-pie approach’, the ‘lovey-dovey’ and the mushy, and I don’t like that. I understand this cannot be changed; it’s who you are, and so I am telling you that I am not built for it. I think that is the biggest problem in our relationship.”
No all-in-one
“Well,” I said, “then let me explain how I see it. Lovey-Dovey is a language, it’s not who I am. I was in a relationship for three years, and that was the way Assaf and I expressed affection towards one another, and this is what I carry with me to the next relationship.
"It could very well be that it does not fit into my next relationship – but that’s something that I have to learn as I get to know my partner. There are many other ‘languages’, or ways to express affection, and I think I can speak a few of them. But for that, I need exactly these kinds of conversations.
"Rest assured that when I first met you, it was not part of an ‘all-in-one’ deal, this is something that I must learn, just like you have to pick-up on. We simply need to find the common language. I believe that as long as we get to know each other better, the relationship creates a new language, home-made. A language of intimacy includes two stories, weaved into one another.
"I’ll tell you what I think is problematic with this relationship: you believe – ‘there, this is what I am. I am unwilling to change. If it’s good – that’s great, if not – then that’s it’. While I believe that part of entering a relationship is the open-mindedness of accepting the other person, and re-organizing your inner self.”
Talking to the wall
I felt though I was talking to the wall, although I was truly hoping he would understand what I was talking about. I began asking myself, "why make the effort? Why do I have to teach him the A-B-C's of a real, healthy relationship? After all, it is clear to me that he is incapable of it, the way he is now. It’s like grinding water. The guy simply cannot step out of character for a second."
“So the question you should ask yourself,” I went on making it harder, as if I'd asked him to spell out that he doesn’t love me, but without really saying it, "is if you even want a relationship. Everything else you think about me, besides the ‘language’, is what makes up a partner; these are characteristics that I see in you as well.
"Language, or communication in a relationship, is a matter of getting to know one another better, and making it fit. But that requires work, and a bit of open-mindedness, which I don’t think you have, at least not now. Perhaps a man would show up and turn you on so much so, that it will happen naturally. I am not sure, but that’s up to you to find out.”
Are you ready?
“I think you are right,” Ofer answered. “Even my friends tell me that perhaps I am not ready for a relationship right now, although I declare that I want it.” (Welcome to the ultimate homosexual perspective). “I am currently in such a heightened state of introspection, that it is very hard for me to focus on another person.”
I smiled at him. At least he is aware that he is breaking new records in egoism. He is lucky that I managed to slightly fall-in-love with him, despite this underdeveloped angle, his lack of interest in anyone else but himself. Not to talk about how he expresses interest specifically in someone who does not want him and as soon as that person suddenly desires him – he looses interest.
I spent the next few days thinking about the change I go through from the moment I meet someone new, until I feel even a miniscule dependence in our relationship. I tried to explain that to Kfir, in accordance with the “engine theory’” I developed. The theory states that everyone enters a relationship with an “engine” – a type of power and energy that always drive us forward.
My engine is fueled by my creativity, the love and passion for my friends, the people I love, music, wisdom, etc. When we enter a relationship, we are supposed to operate as a couple running on “two engines”. What happens to me is that I feel at a certain point that my engine looses power, and even stalls on occasion, and so I become solely dependent on my partner’s engine.
Sound of Music
Why does this happen? “Honey, I am going to tell you something, and I hope you will take it in its most simplified sense,” Kfir said. “At the end of the day, we all want to be Von-Trapp girls.”
“Huhhh? The Sound of Music?”
“Don’t look at me like that, let me explain. There is something in us, you can call it the helpless ‘childish part’, that really wants somebody to ‘take us’ and ‘do stuff for us’. That way, we won’t have to do anything. But it doesn’t always work like that, and I think that as soon as you enter a relationship and express emotions, in some way you disengage from your adult part, and turn into mushy margarine. Ofer calls it the "cutie-pie approach."
It all stems from a desire to have someone adult and responsible to protect and give you security like you’ve never felt before. You have to remember that we are all like that deep down. We all want to lose control. And so we always look for the other side of the coin. Sometimes it looks as though we are even programmed to do so, and we just repeat this pattern over and over.”
Security and emotions
I knew he was right. The part in me that is looking for this “security” and this “emotional protection” in a relationship is indeed totally connected to my childish side. The cutie-pie approach is almost entirely disconnected from the maturity in me. It is the complete opposite of independence, and its hidden purpose is to create a bond between the hurt child in me and the hurt child inside my partner, and try and heal the wound, which is the result of never having received love as children.
When you reach a complex situation from which you don’t know how to move forward and where to turn – you decide not to decide. As a result of my conversation with Ofer, I started thinking less about emotional disengagement from him, and concentrated more on an emotional connection with myself. I want to always be connected to the adult part in me, as well as the childish one. I want to learn how not to take out the hurt child in me, not even dressed-up in the “cutie-pie approach”, as part of his eternal demand to heal the absence of love – a request that can never be fulfilled.
