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צילום: ויז'ואל/פוטוס
Snobs, jerks and everything in between
In May Levin's opinion, Israeli women are 'not nice' because of aggressive courtship and inappropriate leering. In response, we received hundreds of angry responses. We published the best ones
I carefully read the hundreds of responses to May Levin's column, on why Israeli women are "not nice". Not only because, as an editor, it's my job to create order and to reflect the current atmosphere accurately, but also, and perhaps more importantly, because I also wanted to understand. Understand what is going on in men's heads, and to better understand my and my girlfriends' responses to them, which were expressed, in an extreme version, in May's column.
Reading May's column was like holding a big mirror in front of my face. So without further ado, and begging a preliminary pardon from the ladies, I will respond to the men's responses to her column at this time.
I will write in the first person, so as not to over-generalize. Girls who can relate to me are invited to read this is first person plural, boys too.
There is, indeed, something strange about my aspirations to look good. Granted, I don't leave the house without lipstick and mascara, don't exactly cover my body with a tent but rather highlight a few of the nicer assets – and even still, I'm uncomfortable getting stared at. The rules of the game aren't completely clear.
If you're Hugh Grant, you may stare
In other words, and I presume that this is the crux of the problem, if you're a captivating guy (Hugh Grant, George Clooney, Yair Lapid even), then go ahead and stare as much as you want. On the contrary, I'll be offended if you don't aim a few strategic glances my way. The problem is, what do I do about the guys who don't do it for me? Suddenly, it seems to me very rude to stare, to whistle (ok, something that hasn't happened in a few years), not to mention pinch (that hasn't happened in several years, but, then again, I haven't been to Rome in a while.)
It happens not only on the beach, but in clubs and bars, too. I am appalled when someone inappropriate hits on me. What was he thinking to himself? Outside the wide age-range I allow myself to date by at least ten years, ten cm shorter than the minimal height requirement, and a smoker – am I supposed to hurl myself into his arms, grateful that he winked at me?
Trapped: How do we know if you're interested unless we try?
Or, as one responder wrote, "If the guy hitting on them doesn't look like Brad Pitt, sound like Julio Eglesias or have the money of Bill Gates – they express disinterest in an amazingly 'polite' way."
Yes, that probably is the difference. As far as I'm concerned, you don't have to look like Brad Pitt and you certainly don't have to be wealthy, but if you don't interest me, I prefer that you not hit on me.
Of course, I'm well aware of the catch. How will you know if I'm interested or not, unless you try? This is, indeed, a problem. I don't expect you to know if prefer blond hair with baby blue eyes or dark hair with smoldering black ones. After all, between Grant and Clooney, even I don't know who I'd choose.
However - and with this I'm trying to get into the heads of other girls, both older and younger, wearing bikinis on the beach - you can probably guess that if you're much older, or very fat, or not good looking, she's probably out of your league, so how about a little humility? You can try, because you can never know what does it for her, but gently please. Most importantly, know how to back off elegantly (note: "who needs you, you dog? Look for someone to get you off" is not considered elegant.)
And now, comments from the guys:
Snobby girls don't distinguish between gentlemen and Neanderthals
"As a polite person, I don't insult people or express myself in a vulgar manner, not even in response to such treatment. However, the truth is that the snobbism and vulgarity of the female response doesn't distinguish between gentlemen and Neanderthals. If the guy hitting on them doesn't look like Brad Pitt, sound like Julio Eglesias or have the money of Bill Gates – they express disinterest in an amazingly 'polite' way. Either they ignore him completely, or, if they're meaner, they look scathingly at the poor sop who mistakenly thought he was in their league. There are even the more horrible girls who display their feminine charm through choice words that leave no room for interpretation. Israeli girls are one level up on the vulgarity scale and not because of the Israeli men. I'll take a risk and say, it's the opposite: Israeli guys are forced to be aggressive in order to hunt the catch of the day."
- Living in the wrong country
We first need to check what's we're doing wrong
"In general, we're idiots regarding the other gender, and 'the battle of the sexes', with its decisions of who is right and who is less right, is likely to continue for all of eternity. We first need to check what we're doing wrong and, only then, try to fix what's wrong with the other side. Even so, nothing will change the fact that every woman, even the grossest among them, will think that she is Miss Universe and that every man, even the biggest baboon, will think he is the gift to womankind. We're a tired society and I don't foresee a change any time soon!"
- Boris
Try and try again, in any possible situation
"Keep hitting on them. It only trains you for the girls that are up next. Try and try again, in any possible situation, because that's the only way to get what you want. You leave behind the shame, the fear of rejection, the fear of seeing her again, the psychological implications; when you need it, you get over your embarrassment of pretty girls, and sometimes it works. You can't fight it: there's supply and demand in every aspect of life. For every girl who has a personality similar to the author (May Levin) or who is just having a bad day, there's one who thinks you're her type or just feels like talking to you that day. I've only profited from this. And also gotten shot down a lot.
The internet is also a good option. You need to go to websites and flood their contact lists with your appeals. This, for example, is how I met my last girlfriend. There are lots of girls like this, not to worry. The thing is to leave the mind and ego games aside. Don't not call her simply because she didn't answer yesterday. Maybe today she'll feel like answering, maybe yesterday she actually was busy. Good luck everyone.
-Anonymous
Why should we hit on you? Because of your charming personality?
"I came for the beauty, stayed for the personality. Nothing is created from nothing, everything is the result of something that preceded it. Why should we hit on you? Because of your charming personality. We don't know what your personality is like, we don't know you. But we would like to get to know you, so let us, we have good intentions, most of us. But if you don't let us know that, beneath that pretty face or good body, you have something more to offer, then even the nice physical appearance won't do it for us for long.
Israeli women have a very closed mentality. Try to open your minds. A nice guy offered to buy you a drink (on the assumption that he's a nice guy)? Give him a chance: best case scenario, you found the love of your life, worst case scenario, you wasted an evening. Believe me, if you don't have more to offer than your looks, after one evening, he'll leave you alone. (Henrik)
Like putting an ice-cold coke in front of someone parched
May, it sounds like you're really suffering and that's too bad. I guess nature blessed you with an attractive body. You also don't take pains to hide it when you sunbathe in a tiny bathing suit…and for that I, and the male gender, thank you.
Anyway, just as nature blessed you with your female good looks, it blessed me and a large number of other men with a high level of the hormone known as testosterone. It's hard to describe what happens to a male in a possession of an above-average sexual drive when he sees a young woman, attractive and half naked (bikini, thong, etc) in front of his face. The best examples that I can give you are putting an ice-cold coke in front of someone parched or putting a cigarette in front of a nicotine addict whose last pack just ran out. As you can imagine, it's a 'hard' feeling. (!!!)
Despite the European upbringing that I received from my mother, it seems that the Mizrahi (Middle Eastern) genes that I received from my father have trumped it, and I while I struggle not to stare at girls like you, sometimes it's impossible. But dear May, don't worry, wait a few years, you'll put on a few kilos, get a few wrinkles, our planet's gravity will take effect on the breasts that, right now, men are so eager to catch a glimpse of…and eventually our horrible glances and attempts to hit on you will disappear, along with the charms of your youth…"
- With apologies in advance, Dr. Eldar
On one hand, you want a sweet, considerate guy. On the other hand, you 'play along' with slimeballs
So what should I do? I'm seriously confused. On one hand, you don't want the guys who undress you with their eyes, but on the other hand, I see that my friends (slime balls of the lowest order, but very amusing, otherwise I wouldn't be friends with them) succeed much more than I am - too embarrassed to bother the attractive girls that I see in the street, the store, the library, the pub, the restaurant or pretty much everywhere else, including the beach.
You aren't consistent. On one hand, you want a sweet, considerate guy. On the other hand, you 'play along' with such slimeballs that I lose all desire to come talk to you. You don't understand how frustrating it is, when you finally work up the courage to take such a difficult step, go up to someone, and discover that you're killing yourself for some girl, who treats you just as if you were one of the jerks she went out with in the past (even though, in the future, she'll continue to go out with jerks like these) and throws you to the wind.
So tell us, ladies, what do you want? Where is it acceptable to hit on you? What is the right thing to say to you? How can I show you that I'm not one of those jerks if you've written me off before I've uttered a syllable?
- Shy and Confused
The jerk factor increases the bitch factor
I think that Israeli girls are snobs, but not due to their nature. Rather, behavior of men who don't know how to hit on women – aka jerks – caused them to behave this way. I believe that women are wonderful creatures, who are fun to talk to, love men, love sex (just as much as men), and you just need to approach them properly. Sometimes, even if in the end, the woman isn't attracted to you or vice versa, at least you had a good conversation, such that the next guy who approaches her will be treated politely. 'Cause, what can you do? These things affect women and you (the jerks who don't know how to hit on them properly) just increase their bitch factor.
And about the staring that the author (May Levin) decried so loudly, perhaps it doesn't flatter you, but it is a way to go. It's only natural that when I see a woman I find attractive, I will look at her, but I'm definitely not undressing her in my mind. I'm smiling at her and, if she's smiling back, it's only a short distance to 'hi'. That's just the way it is. So ladies, do be affected by the jerks who hit on you, because there are a lot of good guys who don't deserve to be treated like them. And to the jerks, my condolences.
- Stephan
In conclusion, even though it seems futile, this 'battle of the sexes', even though it seems we really are speaking Martian and Venutian, I think that columns like May's and responses to it bring us closer, slowly but surely, to a better understanding of what's going on in the heads of the other camp. Because, after all, most of us are trying to break through to the other side, to live with them in peace.
Other than that, I would be glad if the male readers who took the time to respond would pick up the gauntlet and write about how things are from their side.
Sarit Perkol is the editor of Ynet's Singles section
