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צילום: ויז'ואל/פוטוס
Sex and intimacy
There are many ways to break down the world, ours is those who believe sex creates intimacy vs. those who believe it's a result of intimacy
We’re always trying to divide the world in two distinct camps - East versus West, men versus women, us versus them. People like to identify and belong; so on any moral, political or religious divide individuals will generally choose a distinct side.
There are infinite ways to break down the world and here we will add one more. Those who believe sex creates intimacy versus those who believe it is (or at least should be) a result of intimacy.
For those who believe the latter, that sex should follow intimacy, they will hold that if one is truly searching for a meaningful relationship, than s/he should wait to have any sexual contact, otherwise, the sex will be less meaningful and confused with actual intimacy.
Intimacy in this case being a full disclosure of self, values, goals and general compatibility – the stuff life partnerships are built on. Sex no doubt complicates things, or at least confuses feelings to a certain degree, especially for women and the more sensitive of men.
If you were remotely interested before, doing the deed will certainly seal your fate. It’s hard to swap bodily fluids and remain completely detached. And the more you do it, the more you’ll crave it. Sex is addictive like that. If you have someone on hand, you may mistake the lust for love.
Ah, but is that a bad thing? Can lust not turn to love?
Intimacy without sex? Hell, no
For others amongst us there is no such thing as intimacy without sex. How can you commit to spending your life with someone you’ve never touched? There are some seriously bad kissers out there for starters. And never underestimate the role of sex in a relationship. Might as well find out from the start. There are enough things to fight about. Sexual compatibility is way up there in terms of long-term relationship success.
Besides, can you truly be intimate without touching? There are feelings and emotions that go well beyond our ability to verbally articulate. Nothing like a certain touch to tell the other how deeply we feel. Passion is wordless. The vulnerability of lying together in the aftermath allows for some of the tenderest and open moments of any encounter.
So, while sleeping with a guy on the first date is generally ill advised behavior, it doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker. I can name a handful plus of people I know in successful relationships that in fact had sex on the first date.
While many are afraid of the wrong message it sends, or the misconception that it’s a matter of rushing things, I know plenty of people who were able to successfully mix conversation, meaningfulness and sex.
Sure, it doesn’t always work, but what does? After years of reading advice books and columns of rules and regulations around sex and dating, I’m pretty certain nothing in particular works. What really works, is what ends up working for you.
Abigail can be contacted for advice, comments, compliments and ideas at [email protected]
