'All those Ch's': Guide to Hebrew

1

The Hebrew language is known worldwide for its delicate, gentle sound. If you hear someone trying to cough up a hairball, he is either a cat - or speaking Hebrew.

2

Hebrew is an economical language. For example, the translation for the English sentence "Now that's quite an achievement, I have to say I'm rather impressed" – is "Piiii!"

3

Whenever Israelis travel abroad, they're convinced Hebrew is their secret language; they can speak freely without anyone understanding. Unfortunately, Murphy's first law dictates that the minute you utter "Now she's ugly as sin, isn't she?" – the woman you were speaking of will turn out to be a fellow Israeli, quite irate, in fluent Hebrew.

4

Hebrew is quite easy to learn, provided you have ten years to spare, a stack of Prozac and can wave your head and hands wildly while speaking.

5

Many Israeli parents give their children Hebrew names that sound "cosmopolitan": Names like "Tom" (meaning innocence), "Liam" (meaning my people) and "Chang" (meaning oy vey, the Chinese will rule the world in 20 years, better my son be prepared).

6

Israeli youngsters love to spread the Hebrew language around the globe by teaching foreign kids key phrases like "Ani ben zona", meaning "I'm a son of a bitch". Then they force their victims to repeat it over and over, telling them it means "hello". For whatever reason, they find it funny… Did anyone say anti-Semitism?

7

Olim from Russia speak Hebrew with a heavy Russian accent. Olim from America speak Hebrew with a strong American drawl. Israelis speak Hebrew with a perfect accent, accompanied by terrible grammar and awful spelling. But hey, let's all laugh about the guys with the funny accents!!!