Jewish weddings, what are they all about?
Until death do us apart? In Jewish weddings it's closer than you think
1
Weddings, for Jews, are gatherings carefully choreographed, orchestrated and aimed at one thing: Finding out how fat your cousins got during the last year.
2
Jews do not believe in all of this "I do" stuff. Instead, they get the bride drunk with red wine, and then the groom buys her, stating a price on an official parchment. This is what's called a "Nedunia", or dowry. What's a good Nedunia? Not too low, because that would be embarrassing ("You gave NIS 10,000 for me? What am I, a used sofa?"), but not too high – because that could be costly in a future divorce…
3
There is also no place in Jewish weddings for the famous movie-phrase, "If anyone objects…" Hey, everybody objects! The groom's mother hates the bride because she's "not good enough for her son". The bride's father thinks the groom is a rapist, child molester and probably a Goy, who's true face will soon be revealed. Does anyone object… Psha!
4
Every wedding, the bride and groom promise their friends that "we got a really cool Rabbi!" Yeah, if you consider a 45 minute sermon about the Ishmaelites, Mount Sinai and the importance of rebuilding the Temple in Jerusalem as cool… Way to go, Rabbi Bore-stein!
5
Food at Jewish weddings is a touchy subject. Meaning everyone touches it to see if it's edible. You see, you get all kinds in a wedding: Your ultra orthodox grandfather, reform cousins and hippie lesbian aunt. Which means the food has to be all kinds of Kosher. Ever see a "beef steak" at a Jewish wedding? Looks like a worn out shoe, beaten to death viciously with a hammer.
6
When you attend a Jewish wedding, you bring a check. No gifts, no catalogue, no nothing. MONEY. There are expenses, you know. You think a dress like that grows on trees?
7
At some point into the wedding, the bride bursts into tears and blames the groom he's (a) eyeing her best friend (b) not giving her enough attention or (c) a complete idiot. This is a ceremonial beginning of a Jewish family. It will get worse…
So go and start a Mishpucha. Mazal tov!
