Channels
Assaf Wohl
The falafel cabinet?
Photo: Flash 90

The Falafel Republic

Assaf Wohl suggests new definition that captures essence of State of Israel

The founders of every sovereign state in the world made sure to succinctly define its essence. China, for example, is “The People’s Republic,” Germany is a “Federal Republic,” and the Brits, as usual, opted for a short and catchy message: “The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.”

 

There are also names that were carefully selected from the fantasy genre: “The Principality of Liechtenstein,” “the Jordanian Hashemite Kingdom,” “The Great Dukedom of Luxemburg.” Meanwhile, Switzerland is a “Helvetic Confederation” (but just between us, who cares about Switzerland.)

 

The question here is obvious: What about us? How could it be that no quick PR expert has yet to suggest a proper marketing slogan for us? I attempted to brand us with the aid of our archenemies as a “Zionist Entity.” Yet to my regret, Nasrallah and his comrades are not up-to-date. For a while now we’ve been dealing with a “Post-Zionist Entity” here,” and that’s an entirely different matter.

 

This issue found its way to my busy daily agenda in the wake of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s Bar-Ilan speech. During the event, it turned out that the Arabs refuse to recognize Israel as a Jewish state. Yet my intuitive assessment is that quite a few Jews would object to this definition as well. And even if there is a majority in favor of defining Israel “Jewish” and “Democratic”, we can expect a civil war – will it be a “Jewish-democratic” or a “democratic-Jewish” state?

 

How will the family of nations receive such strange creature, which is unable to define itself? Meanwhile, an attempt to declare ourselves a “kingdom” may revive the biblical rift between Judea and Israel. Therefore, we must seek new directions.

 

Loosely affiliated cantons

First, we must admit that Israel is not really a “state.” We are talking about a bunch of cantons that are loosely affiliated. Therefore, each one of them must be defined separately, before we ultimately attempt to amalgamate everyone under one common denominator. And so, we will see the unification of districts such as “the Bnei Braq Theocracy,” “The Vegetarian Entity of Mitspeh Amirim,” and possibly also “The fancy schmancy entity of Tel Aviv.” All of them shall come together under one broad title: “The United States of Israel.”

 

However, our states are not united. Therefore, the most appropriate name for Israel’s form of government may be “The Falafel Republic.” We are talking about conduct reminiscent of what we see in banana republics, aside from the fact that in the Middle East everything is spicier, fried, and drips on one’s clothes. Indeed, IDF ranks come in the form of little falafel balls rather than bananas, yet usually this is the only difference.

 

To sum it up, I must admit that after all there is something positive about the lack of definition and ambiguity. This way, each sect can live with the sense that it is the chosen sector. Yet if we still need a definition that sums up our state’s essence, this can be done as well. There is a definition that reflects the fact that we are tireless about arguing, that is, we are Jews, in addition to being democrats lacking the ability to decide. I suggest that from now on, on every official document and in every diplomatic function, our homeland shall be presented as follows: “The Undefined Community of Israel.”

 


פרסום ראשון: 06.24.09, 00:42
 new comment
Warning:
This will delete your current comment