Too much love (Illustration)
צילום: ויז'ואל/פוטוס
Loving too much isn't really loving
When you love too much, you're always expecting something in return, and setting yourself up for disappointment. Loving someone endlessly and unconditionally isn’t love it’s a compulsive disorder and a form of emotional blackmail
When you love too much, you're not letting your partner love you back, in his or her way. You're not letting him miss you, or decide for himself how he truly feels about you. You're stopping him from respecting and appreciating you. When you love too much, you're always expecting something in return, and setting yourself up for disappointment. You'll be criticized and taken for granted. You're inviting yourself to become a victim. Loving too much isn’t real love - it's living in a bubble of selfishness, loneliness and lack of self-esteem.
People who love their partners too much are destroying the relationship. In place of balance and affection, you'll feel anger, resentment, frustration and even hatred for the fact that you are not receiving the same kind, or the same amount, of love.
Love is a choice. It should be balanced and positive, not total, fanatical, automatic and compulsive. If you love too much, you are, in effect, trying to force others to love you back. If you smother your partner you don't really love him, you're fixating on him. Loving someone endlessly and unconditionally isn’t love it’s a compulsive disorder and a form of emotional blackmail.
Love means making a daily choice
People are often scared to examine their feelings on a daily basis, preferring to shut those feelings away. Instead of learning to rebuild their love all the time, every day, they remain fixated on the love they felt years ago. Instead of renewing their love, which requires an element of choice, their love is automatic. It is driven by obligation, habit or compulsiveness, rather than by spontaneity, honesty and sincerity.
Feeling obligated to love is not love. Neither is the willingness to compromise over everything, nor is self-sacrifice. Blind, absolute confidence in being loved isn’t love - but arrogance and complacency. The willingness to give up on comfort, sexuality, peace of mind or on family isn't love it's stupidity.
Love means making a daily choice to want to be together. Love cannot be taken for granted. It has to be renewed all the time, every day. Real love means loving yourself, for unless you love yourself you will never be able to truly love someone else. Instead, your love will be dependent, artificial and forced.
Loving your partner too much will make him love you less, not more. It may sound illogical, but the fact is that when your love is unrestrained, your partner's ardor and enthusiasm will lessen. Exaggerated expressions of love will make your partner want to seek distance, not get closer.
Just love your partner
Real love shouldn't be crazy. It should be fun, happy and balanced. People often wrongly assume that craziness is a sign of true love. Craziness, however, is merely a sign of craziness. Love has no need for it. In fact it is often craziness which kills it in the end.
A loving relationship has no need for craziness and extremism. It requires good communication, understanding, chemistry, common goals and pleasures, acceptance and similar backgrounds.
So there it is: You shouldn’t love (or hate) your partner too much. Loving too much often comes to hide the lack of expectation in a relationship. Just love your partner -and yourself.
Yoav Berenson is a multi-disciplinary therapist specializing in relationship and work crises.
