Elections 2006 - how will small parties do?
Photo: AP
Election humor: The charm of small parties
Alan Abbey wants to see more small parties out there
Tomorrow is Election Day, and most of us will spend it barbecuing, going to the beach if it doesn't rain, and, apparently, shopping at the country's one Ikea. But some of us - a smaller percentage than usual, I'm sorry to say, will go to the polls to vote for the party we most want in the next coalition government.
Most everyone has heard of the top three parties - Kadima, the party that sprung fully formed from the head of Ariel Sharon like Athena from Zeus, Likud, the broken-hearted party jilted by Sharon, and Labor, which has a laborer (or labor leader, at least) as its head for the first time in 50 some-odd years of using some variation of the name.
But there are a number of smaller parties on the ballot, as well, and you probably haven't heard much about them. Now, on the day before the election we are not supposed to campaign (heaven forbid!), so the following descriptions of the smaller parties in our multiparty parliamentary democracy are guaranteed to be objective and accurate, or, to coin a phrase, fair and balanced.
Green Tea Leaf Party - This party wants to help mellow out the country and wean it off noisy, high-tech and caffeine-filled “cafe hafooch," the upside-down Israeli version of cappuccino. Green Tea Leaf's platform consists of distributing bags of green tea to every household and collecting all coffee grounds, used and unused, espresso or Turkish coffee grind, for distribution to places that need it, such as Colombia, Zambia and Kenya, where so many Starbucks barristas are roaming around and buying up the local stocks that shortages have been declared.
Blues Party - Unlike the ecologically minded Greens (not to be confused with the Green Tea Leaves), the Blues Party is not concerned about the environment outdoors. It is more concerned with what goes on in smoky juke joints and roadside bars. The Blues Party opposes overuse of the wah-wah pedal and other guitar effects, and will propose legislation banning the use of tape loops and lip synching.
Fashionistas - This party supports the wearing of school uniforms to reduce socioeconomic tensions within the educational realm, as long as they come from midrange fashion retail chains such as Golf, Fox and Castro (all good Hebrew names, no?) and leave all midriffs and underwear, male and female, showing. Taking a page from the Yisrael Beitenu (Israel Our Home) party campaign slogan (Da! Nyet!), Fashionistas' slogan is Kenvelo (Yes and No).
Bow and Arrow - Unhappy with the split in the pro-secular Shinui Party that led to Shinui and Hetz (Arrow), Bow and Arrow will attempt to mend the rift among secular Israelis by appealing to the lowest common denominator - criticism of anyone so religious they walked past a synagogue on Rosh Hashana and heard the shofar blast through their iPod headphones.
Zone Defense – Realizing that many of the smaller parties have social agendas, Zone Defense is positioning itself as the toughest defender of Israel. Heading up its Knesset list is Walt Frazier, formerly of the New York Knicks, and one of the NBA's greatest defensive artists. Joining him as the number two, and already touted as a Defense Minister, is Lawrence Taylor, Hall of Fame linebacker for the New York Giants NFL (American football) team. ZD, as they call themselves, is not concerned that its top two candidates do not live in Israel and aren't Jewish. At least one other party has an American from Newton, Massachusetts, on its list, and we've gotten pretty good at giving citizenship to star imported athletes. We only get a little crazy when they consider marrying Jewish girls.
Elders of Zion – This party may be the sleeper of the campaign. Finally coming out of the hidden passageways and secret chambers in which it has met for hundreds of years, the Elders of Zion (or “EZ's”) have decided to acknowledge that they really do run the world, and want to start by overtly running Israel. After all, as official leaders, rather than as secret, behind-the-curtains, pulling-the-strings leaders, they will get to ride in white Volvos with the occasional police escort. In their secretive role, in which they did not want to attract undue attention, the Elders of Zion rode around in battered Skodas and Kias, certainly not vehicles befitting the world's true rulers.
EZ has a leg up on the other parties, because its platform document, the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, has been distributed and read all around the world, particularly in Russia, where it was first printed, the Arab world and the American states of Montana and Idaho.
We'll know if any of these parties broke through the magic 2 percentage point threshold for Knesset seats by 10:01 Israel time Tuesday night, when the four exit polls are released. Judging on the differences in the polls conducted before the election, which showed huge variations in vote totals for the major parties, it's likely that at least one of them will be right.
Remember, as we used to say in Albany, New York, “Vote early and vote often,” and don't let a little thing like being dead keep you from casting your ballot.
Alan Abbey is Founding Editor of Ynetnews. His website is www.abbeycontent.com, and his email is alan@abbeycontent.com
