“A Haredi woman whose wedding night goes well deserves a medal,” says relationship and sex counselor Pnina Toubin who hosts women’s workshops and advises Haredi brides. Toubin tells Ynet about the dramatic transition expected from Haredi women as their wedding night approaches - from completely concealing their sexuality through to aspiring to heavenly pleasure in their personal lives. “In my workshop, I teach about the vagina. I ask women what they called it when they were girls. It never has a name.“
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Even we secular women called it 'pipi'
“Yes. For Haredi women, it becomes a nameless organ that you’re not allowed to touch, and if you do, you have to wash yourself. And then after your wedding – it’s supposed to be pure Heaven. Let that sink in. For 20 years it’s forbidden-forbidden-forbidden. You don’t talk about it. You don’t hear about it. You don’t call it anything. There’s no conversation. It’s not present. Then one day, after your wedding – Boom!”
Is there any kind of touching before the wedding?
“According to Halacha, any sort of touching is forbidden. I’m not a rebbetzin, so each woman should do what’s best for her. I don’t claim to present what’s allowed or forbidden. I just advise what’s best. Each woman should ask her rabbi - because even if it seems like something is allowed, there’ll always be a rabbi who’ll tell you it’s not.”
Growing up, did you have any sex education?
“That’s a sore point. The answer is no. Were it not for talking to so many women, I’d refrain from answering that question, so as not to harm my parents whom I love dearly. But no, it just wasn’t done. There was no such thing as sex education, just advice before the wedding. That’s all. Over the years, much progress has been made within the Haredi world. But ignorance is rampant because some of the Haredi community believe it’s best not to talk about it. I say quite the opposite: It can be right if you say it in a nice way and women know that they can come to you.”
“When I was first married, I didn’t know what pleasure was. Neither of us did. We had to learn. It’s all good now, but if the Holy One created such wonderful bodies for us, with everything connected, who am I not to use it? Why not? And if it’s together, surely, it’s even more holy.”
From pain to pleasure
Toubin lives in Elad. She’s been married for 22 years and has five children. “I encounter a lot of pain in my work with women. I always tell women that pain and pleasure and so close, but it’s a long path between the two. The ability to bring someone from pain to pleasure is a pleasure of its own. I believe it’s a kind of mission. One woman said to me that Google has everything, but that she wanted the information in a religious format, with the right words, in the right way with pictures that are suitable for her. I took it. I believe sexuality is something sacred, but that it doesn’t belong to one person. It doesn’t have a kippa on its head and it doesn’t wear tzitzit. Sexuality belongs to each individual and everyone deserves good sex.“
The Haredi world is now on TikTok and Instagram. Tell us more about this
“Haredi women are all over Instagram. It’s very much accepted. You don’t hear much about sex in the Haredi world. I bring what I bring, but in a modest way. I talk about everything, but without the problematic words. I won’t use the word ‘sex’, but rather ‘couple connection.’ The video clips I post on TikTok are suitable for all women, regardless of how religious they are. “
“I recently held a conference about sacred sexuality in the holy city of Bnei Brak. I called it ‘From Fatigue to Passion.’ I can’t even tell you how many women showed up. In short wigs – modern and not so modern. It was a Haredi event – but from all sectors of the Haredi community. They trust me when they follow me online because I speak in holy language and that’s important for them.“
“You can find promiscuous sexuality everywhere, so it’s very pleasant to learn from someone with the same values as yourself - someone you know isn’t going to harm you, even if it’s just verbally. A woman at a conference once said to me ‘I’d like to tell you something.’ I said ‘Sure, what is it ?’ She said: ‘You showed us a picture of a man and woman holding hands – that’s not for me.’ I took a deep breath and said I was glad she’d brought this to my attention. This was her voice. I put up a picture of a couple of budgerigars - lovebirds. Why? Because I, myself, don’t need a picture of a man and a woman and I want to respect every woman, wherever she’s coming from. The content’s what matters. In the Haredi community we believe in monogamy and we all need an upgrade. We all need variety. Long-term marriage takes its toll. It’s just the way it is.“
People develop habits. Your body gets used to things. After a few years, sex takes on a set format
“True. I tell people that however good that format is, we all know how it begins, how it continues and how it ends. I’m thinking I could just skip it. Let’s learn how to do it differently “
So, most women you meet are looking to 'spice up' their sex lives?
“A year-and-a-half ago, I developed the ‘Rainbow Model – Cries of Passion.’ I love colors, people and sex and I’ve decided to make it a business. I see it as a mission. I hold women’s workshops on sex within sanctity. Some women say their husbands want sex and they’re just not interested, while others wish their husbands wanted more sex. In any workshop, there’ll be women in all kinds of situations. I have women aged 21-58 attending my workshops. My workshops have no levels. It’s suitable for everyone. Sex has no levels. It can always be improved. Women often say that their sex lives are fine, so why should they come? I just tell them to come along and if they feel it’s not for them, they don’t have to come back. They all come back – apart from one woman who found being there just too painful.“
"In the Haredi community we believe in monogamy and we all need an upgrade. We all need variety. Long-term marriage takes its toll. It’s just the way it is“
In what way?
“She was hurting because her relationship with her husband wasn’t in that place, and she felt she needed relationship counseling before coming to my workshop.”
It was exposing the cracks in her relationship, even before addressing sex
“Yes, even though I like saying that my model is suitable for every woman, even widows and divorcées. To be in a good sexual relationship with your husband, you need to have good personal sexuality. Haredi women don’t know about these things. Neither did I. You need to know your own body, understand what’s there. Only then can you go to your partner with all this knowledge. Then, sex looks totally different.“
So, you first teach women to make love with themselves?
“Kind of. Haredi women are very resistant to self-pleasure. When I say ‘touch’, it doesn’t have to lead to anything. It’s about being focused on pleasure. It’s just about understanding what’s good. I’ll be with a couple and I’ll ask the wife what she likes. She’ll tell me to ask her husband – he knows. I’ll always tell her that I want her to tell me what she likes. She’ll get embarrassed and say ‘I’ve never thought about it. Whatever he does is good for me.’ Haredi women have no experience. They have no sexual history with any other partners. If they’re lucky, they’ll have good chemistry with their husbands, and that’s great. But that’s not always the case.“
How does the Rainbow Model work?
“It’s a model I developed. I took the colors white, yellow, blue, red, pink and purple. I found out their meanings and connected these meanings to sex: White, for example, represents purity and cleanliness, so I took this to body image because you can’t enjoy sex if you’re not connected to your own body. I guide the women through meditation and exercises that help them befriend what they have. I’ve been through all of this myself. I struggled with my weight for years before letting go. Once I let go, great love soon followed.“
That’s amazing
“Yellow is about communication. Emojis are yellow. This is how we convey happiness and this is how we talk. We can only enjoy sex if we talk about it. Firstly, we need to be communicating as a couple. Only then should we get into bed. In the third session, we talk about toys. I took the color blue and tried to see how to use various objects to create pleasure. Anything from a feather to a nice smell. I then go on to talk about the orgasm–peak moments. I always call it ‘peak moments.’ It’s important for me that the words should be pleasant to the ear and will make it through everyone’s filters.”
How do you advise Haredi women about creating passion within a monogamic relationship?
“I first talk to them about the difference between passion and love. The fact that I’ve been married for 22 years, doesn’t necessarily mean that I love. But what if I do? Love and passion require very different things, so we must understand the difference between the two. Love requires security, while passion requires estrangement, otherness, difference and variety. This is where Hallacha comes in, ensuring physical closeness for two weeks, followed by another two weeks of emotional closeness.“
You mean Nidda, the time of ritual impurity when a couple refrains from any physical contact?
“Yes. It’s a time when you can yearn for one another. For some, it’s not long enough. People get used to it. I teach women to be creative. I do an exercise where I give the women jump ropes and ask each woman to do whatever she wants with it. One woman will make it into a bow tie, another a necklace, a third will make it into a microphone. The brain is a creative muscle. If only I use it, I can do more things with it. I then talk about creativity. I divide the session into the five senses. I talk about the sense of sight and various types of the sense of touch.”
“There’s no end of possibilities that don’t involve spending any money. You can slightly darken the room, or light a scented candle and flickering lights and you’ve changed the ambiance. It only requires something very simple to start feeling something. You don’t need to go away for a vacation in a romantic place – which can be lovely, but not something we do on a regular basis. You can do that – but it’s a bit of a challenge. Nidda is a challenge. Marriage is a challenge. Life’s a challenge.”
As a secular woman observing from the outside, Nidda sounds like the greatest challenge. Maybe while a woman is on her period, a secular woman won’t want sex, but she’ll want physical contact – a hug or a touch and some kind of closeness
“It’s more than that. After childbirth for example. When I had my first child, I was so proud. I couldn’t take the baby from my husband. He holds the baby and he has to place the child on the bed. Only then can I pick up the baby. We can’t pass things to each other for fear of touching. The prohibition on touching each other is enormously challenging. But it’s easier to meet these challenges if I have values in which I believe. I’m not saying it’s not hard. I hear the same stories from friends and colleagues who say things like ‘I need a hug.’ That’s what I want, but what can I do? I can’t do whatever I want. There are rules designed to regulate our lives. We’ve chosen this. At any moment, you can choose something else if you want.”
Young women must say to you 'I wanted to be with him so much. We went for an overseas vacation, then I found out I was in Nidda'
“A bride recently wrote to me ‘Pnina, you won’t believe what happened. We planned a trip to Rome. On the flight, I got my period. Don’t call me if you’re going to tell me it’s not really that bad.’ I called her and told her she was right. It’s a massive downer, but what can you do? I said to her: ‘Let’s be in that down for a moment. Say whatever you want. I’ll listen. Then we’ll make lemonade out of lemons. We have no other options.’ Halacha is important to her. I know that. She wouldn’t be contacting me if it wasn’t - she’d just do whatever she wanted. When she got back to Israel, she said ‘Wow, I can’t tell you how much time we spent talking, how much touring we did outside the bedroom – because being in the bedroom was so challenging for us'.“
So that’s the tip you give them? Spending less time on their own in the bedroom during Nidda?
“That’s one thing. After 20 years of marriage, it’s less of an issue, but for a bride who’s been looking forward to her honeymoon for months and then gets her period – yes, I advise spending less time in the bedroom and more time outside. We show less signs of physical love when we’re outdoors anyway.”
In our preparatory conversation, you told me that a lot of Haredi women who want to please their husbands experience vaginal pain. They find it hard to say no and are sure that for the sake of Shlom Bayit (peace in the home), they agree to sleep with their husbands
“Let’s be precise. I think this happens in the general public too, not just among Haredim. There’s something in women that wants to please. It’s important for me to legitimize women saying no, while still sustaining the couple’s connection. I posted a video on TikTok telling women ‘You don’t have to.’ It got almost 100,000 views – I think the most of all my videos. I can’t tell you how much contempt came from the responses from men. Why? Why should it annoy them? Why isn’t it valid for it not to be right for a woman right now?”
Did you respond?
“I responded to some. I tried explaining to men that they shouldn’t objectify their wives. A woman doesn’t always need to be ready and available at any given moment. There’s another human being here. If she always says no, something’s not right and you need to talk about it. But it’s right for a person to say no sometimes. I meet a lot of couples where women are just aiming for peace a quiet, but enforcing peace and quiet on my own body comes with a price. The wonderful body I’ve been given never forgets. It cumulates, and the body responds.”
You’re so right. I think the man must feel it when his wife isn’t really interested
“It’s so sad when women do men favors. As a couple, we need to strive toward us being good together. If you’re good together, the chances of her saying yes will be higher and if she says no, then you’ll be wise enough to ask if there’s anything you can do that’ll make her want to be with you. There’s almost always an answer, ‘Get home earlier’, ‘show more interest’, ‘touch me more before, not just during.’ There are all kinds of needs that women must signal to men to say hey... wake up... we have needs before we get to bed.“
That’s how women are – it’s not like 'I touch her and she suddenly awakened.”' A woman needs to be prepared.
I tell them that sexuality isn’t a boiler. It’s not like you turn it on and ten minutes later, you have hot water. You need 24 hours to prepare - or at least from the morning. I advise couples to arrange a time to talk about it. If something’s important for you, you inscribe it in your diary and plan to be ‘on it.’ The same goes for your sex life. People shouldn’t just get to it somewhere along the way.”
So, spontaneity’s just in the movies?
“I’m all for consistent spontaneity. Decide on a day for yourselves and create the desire. You have to work at desire. It won’t suddenly happen because you’ve agreed on nine o’clock on Sunday. Ask yourself what brings on desire for you. You should then have a very important conversation with yourself. You’ve probably never asked yourself what makes you feel desire and how can you get this desire going from the morning so that by the time evening comes, you’ll feel a sexual desire. What do you need to do either personally or as a couple to make yourself feel you want it. If we rely on desire just happening all on its own, we may well miss out.“
“Incidentally, if you get into bed and realize that one of you doesn’t feel they’re ready, I’d advise placing your hands on one another’s for two or three minutes. For a moment, try and synchronize, each partner slowing down their pace, and meet on the same wavelength. Try taking it from there.“
What’s your best tip for married couples who want to reignite their passion?
“I have two tips”: Firstly, always remember that there’s me, him and us. When you allot space for each of you, the ‘us’ will be stronger. Give your wife plenty of freedom, pay her compliments. Let her do her thing. You do yours. When each of you has your own self, you’ll be able to come to the ‘couple’ from a place of choice rather than need. Secondly: Four words that sum up a relationship: ‘See and be seen.’ See him as he is, not just visually. Never forget to show yourself. It’s a mutual obligation. And it’s about variety, listening, being present, and a great deal of devotion.