The first time I experienced a breakup, somewhere in my teenage years, I was sobbing uncontrollably when my mother told me: “It hurts so much because it’s the first time. Next time, it will hurt less.” At the time, her words gave me hope. I believed the overwhelming pain I felt would never return. But life proved her only half right. In the breakups that came afterward (and there were many), it wasn’t the same pain as the first time — but it was no less intense.
In the personal counseling sessions I conduct, breakups come up often. People carry heartbreak with them for years after relationships that ended long ago. Almost always, when they recount the experience, their eyes fill with tears the moment they remember that “legendary” ex and the deep pain the breakup caused them.
But breakups are an inseparable part of our lives, and most of us fall squarely into the painful statistics. A 2013 survey in the United States found that most respondents said their hearts had been broken five times over the course of their lives. Another U.S. survey, from 2018, found that 58 percent reported their breakups were “a real mess,” while only 25 percent described theirs as “civilized.” If your breakups were awful, those numbers may make you feel a bit less alone.
Less — but still painful
Neuroscience research has found that social pain — and romantic heartbreak is a prime example — activates the same brain regions involved in physical pain, reinforcing the idea that “heartache” and “broken heart” have genuine physiological expression.
But if you’ve recently gone through a breakup, the next finding may offer comfort: heartbreak eases over time. A 2007 study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that when a romantic relationship ends, most people rate their level of pain just above 3 on a 1–7 scale. The study also found that with every passing week, the pain decreases by about 0.07 points. So if you’re reeling from a breakup, the healing process may be slower than you want, but this finding suggests the intensity of the pain truly does diminish week by week — even if it doesn’t feel that way now.
Beyond these findings, several studies point to a positive correlation between the length of a relationship and the speed at which someone enters the next one. In other words, people who were in long-term relationships tend to seek new ones sooner after a breakup. So even if your heart feels shattered now, it will heal — and open again.
Rehabilitation department: how to ease a broken heart
I’m a strong believer in our ability to sit with difficult emotions when they arise — it builds personal resilience and strengthens our capacity to cope with future challenges. But the experience of a breakup can be so overwhelming that sometimes you need to do more to feel better. Here are several tools that can help you recover more quickly after a breakup:
1. Remember how annoying your exes were
I used this strategy instinctively in my younger years, and later discovered it has scientific backing. In a 2018 study at the University of Missouri, researchers recruited people who had recently gone through a dramatic breakup and tried various techniques to reduce their feelings of love toward their exes and improve their mood. Participants were shown a photo of the ex and monitored via EEG. When asked questions like “What was your ex’s most annoying habit?”, their feelings of love decreased by 18 percent. While this also lowered their overall mood by 17 percent (simply because recalling an irritating habit is unpleasant), it did significantly reduce romantic attachment.
2. Do something enjoyable
Another technique tested in the same study was distraction. Participants were asked to think about positive things in their lives — their favorite foods, activities they enjoy, and so on. Although the technique did not reduce feelings of love toward the ex, it did improve participants’ mood by 8 percent.
If you can’t get your mind off your ex, invest your time in pleasant activities. They divert your attention and prevent negative emotions from taking hold. Go for a walk, eat something you love, have a glass of wine, spend time with good friends — anything enjoyable that occupies your mind can help.
3. Listen to sad songs
I used this tool many times after breakups, long before I encountered the research. I would listen to sad songs at full volume, repeat powerful lyrics, internalize strengthening messages, and sometimes feel comforted simply knowing the songwriter had suffered like I had.
Some may argue that upbeat music is better for lifting spirits, but studies show that sad songs can actually help a broken heart. Why? Because of shared experience. People listen to them to better understand themselves and find deeper meaning in their emotions. They feel less alone in their suffering and realize their pain is not unique. These insights are strengthening when coping with heartbreak.
4. Disconnect from your ex on social media
If there is one thing that delays recovery after a breakup, it is social media. Monitoring an ex — openly or secretly — doesn’t help; it harms. It amplifies longing, intensifies negative emotions and strengthens desire. As difficult and tempting as it may be, if you truly want a quicker recovery and hope to move on to your next relationship, disconnect from your ex on social platforms.
Wishing you calmer days and a loving, joyful heart.
- Naama Kaminer-Mevorak holds an MA in positive psychology and works as a therapist and lecturer in public organizations on personal resilience, decision-making, mindset, positive relationships and strengths-based approaches.