Most people know the feeling: loving someone more than they seem to love you. On one hand, you feel like you’re settling for emotional “crumbs,” leading to frustration and dissatisfaction. On the other hand, you care deeply for your partner and can’t bring yourself to let go. So what can you do?
Yael Artzi Eilam, a personal coach and couples counselor, says the first step is asking a fundamental question: What is love?
“Love is not a tangible thing — it’s a feeling expressed in different ways,” Artzi Eilam explains. “Sometimes, we assume someone loves us less simply because their love language is different from ours. They might love us deeply, but not in the way we expect to be loved.”
For example, one partner may express love through actions rather than words, or they may be emotionally distant while still caring. “You might not feel seen or acknowledged, even if they’re doing things that show love. That disconnect can be painful.”
Clarify, then communicate
Artzi Eilam advises individuals to begin by clarifying what love means to them. “Ask yourself: What do I expect from love? What does it look like for me? Try to define it in practical terms — not in clichés,” she says. For instance: “If someone truly loves me, they’ll check in with me in the morning, they won’t disappear, they’ll make me feel secure.”
Once those expectations are clear, she recommends sharing them with your partner. “Have an honest conversation and ask: Can you meet these needs? If they can’t, you need to decide whether the relationship still works for you.”
Artzi Eilam also warns against becoming too attached to the word love itself. “Love can carry emotional baggage. Instead of asking, ‘Does this person love me?’ ask, ‘Do I feel good in this relationship?’ If the answer is no, that’s your cue to consider stepping away.”
Not equality — reciprocity
Another common trap is the pursuit of perfect equality in relationships. “People often try to balance everything: ‘I did this, now you do that.’ But love isn’t a scorecard,” she says. “What really matters is reciprocity — knowing your partner supports you, even if it’s in a different way than you’d imagined.”
Yael Artzi Eilam Photo: Shalev AlmogInequality in emotional investment leads to suffering, she says. “When someone feels they’re giving more love than they’re getting, they experience pain. In that case, the solution is either to leave the situation or to change your perspective.”
It starts with self-worth
According to Artzi Eilam, the core issue often lies in self-esteem. “When we ask, ‘Why doesn’t this person love me more?’ we should be asking, ‘Do I love myself enough? Do I believe I’m worthy of real love?’”
People who don’t feel worthy tend to settle. “They’ll say thank you for every scrap of attention and still not feel loved. And no matter how much someone else says they love them, it won’t land — because the gap is internal.”
“But when you do feel worthy,” she adds, “you attract better relationships — ones that truly fit you. The moment you love yourself enough, you won’t be able to stay with someone who loves you less.”
Many people, she says, remain in unequal relationships because they don’t believe they can do better. “Look in the mirror and remind yourself: You deserve more. I believe that when you feel worthy of mutual, fulfilling love, that love will find its way to you. But it won’t if you don’t open the door. Make space for the love you truly deserve.”
First published: 09:36, 11.04.25