Shulamit Sperber (36) is a certified sex therapist and mother of three, and she's here to reassure women after birth that it's okay, and even natural, to experience a lack of sexual desire.
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Hi Shulamit, how are you?
"Excellent, I'm just feeding the baby."
Many women around me have recently experienced a lack of sexual desire. This is particularly troubling for those whose sexuality has always been a very central part of their lives, and suddenly they don't feel like it.
"We live in a world where the message is 'be sexual!', 'a strong woman is a sexual woman', and I want to tell them - 'wait a minute!' There are times when it's okay not to be sexual," said Shulamit. "There is an evolutionary aspect to this that doesn't just happen for no reason. Nature wants the mother to focus on ensuring the survival of her new baby after birth, so there is less desire for sexuality, and you know what? I want to normalize it, that women feel that it's really okay to have periods in their lives with less sexual desire and more focus on parenthood."
"We need touch like we need food. Just like with hunger - when we eat, at some point, we feel satisfied, and if we are pushed to eat more and more, we feel like we want to vomit. It's the same with touch - each person has a certain amount of touch that feels good and pleasant to them, but when we cross that threshold, it becomes too much"
In addition to the evolutionary dimension, what else causes a woman to lose sexual desire after childbirth?
"First of all, if the woman is breastfeeding, a hormone called prolactin is released, which is the milk hormone, and it causes a decrease in sexual desire. Sometimes there are also low levels of estrogen. During breastfeeding, there is a decrease in estrogen, and low levels of it cause constriction of the bladder sphincter, which can cause pain during intercourse. Breastfeeding itself can also lead to vaginal dryness, and when there is dryness or pain, the woman will likely be less interested in having sexual relations. By the way, if there is pain during penetration, intercourse should be avoided until visiting a gynecologist who specializes in pain during sex."
"Additionally, there are women who have stitches after delivery, and then the vagina needs time to heal. There are also women who leave the delivery feeling traumatized. They are afraid to return to sexual activity."
Because they experience trauma?
"It doesn't have to be trauma. There's a place that needs to heal, and that can of course cause a lack of desire to engage in sexual activity that includes penetration, even though we know that sexual relations don't require penetration. There is also the terrible fatigue that characterizes women after childbirth, and when we are not well-nourished and well-rested as we should be, then who has the energy to think about sex?"
"There are also women whose physical changes affect their sexual desire. Weight gain and their new bodies cause them to feel very uncomfortable with their bodies, and getting undressed in front of someone can be very uncomfortable."
What else?
"All the topics I mentioned are important, but there is another reason that is almost never talked about, and I would like to highlight it: 'skin hunger.' In English, the biological need for human touch is called Skin Hunger. We need touch like we need food. Just like with hunger - when we eat, at some point, we feel satisfied, and if we are pushed to eat more and more, we feel like we want to vomit. It's the same with touch - each person has a certain amount of touch that feels good and pleasant to them, but when we cross that threshold, it becomes too much."
What do you mean?
"Mothers are always in physical contact with their children. Those who breastfeed experience intense touch, but even without breastfeeding, there is carrying and holding the baby, and that too is a lot of touch. Even babies who do not breastfeed and young children need a lot of touch. They come to cuddle and want hugs, and it's lovely, but it can also create a sense of emptiness, of 'I'm not able to handle being touched anymore.' And then women come to the clinic and say, 'My partner wants to give me a hug, but all I want to do is throw him out the window,' and they don't understand why it's happening to them.
"The feeling is as if the touch of the partner is experienced as a burn, to that extent. Or they tell me, 'One more hug from one of the kids, and I'll lose my mind.' Many times women come to the clinic with feelings of guilt and confusion around this. They say to themselves, 'I love touch, so what's going on here?' So I want to shed light on this place of emptiness and the need for women to take a moment to breathe and return to their physical autonomy."
"It is important to be in a place of self-compassion and know how to ask for space when needed"
How can a woman know what the reason for her lack of desire is?
"When there is pain or dryness, you know and can consult with a doctor and talk to your partner. But it is important to recognize that the period after birth and the period of parenting small children are very intense, so it is important to be in a place of self-compassion and know how to ask for space when needed. There are women who take a night for themselves and sleep in another room while their partner takes care of the baby at night. You can also tell the little ones, "My darlings, Mommy really wants to play with you, but please keep some space around my body so I can feel comfortable." This modeling is important for children too - it is also allowed for the mother to set boundaries, and it is important to give it space and legitimacy."