33-year-old Efrat Ziv specializes in research-based women's sexuality and is the owner of the blog and podcast "Feminist". She's Married with one child and lives in Tel Aviv.
Hi Efrat, let's talk about trends and fashions in sex. These have always existed, but the availability and popularity of pornography have maximized them. What is your position on this matter?
"Basically, I would divide it into two: trends that can diversify our sex life and open up possibilities, and trends that inherently regiment us to one type of sexuality or one specific appearance. Of course, sometimes the same trend can play a double role."
Can you give us an example.
"Take, for instance, female ejaculation or 'squirting'. On one hand, these are natural, healthy, and normal phenomena. Exposure to them can lead to exploring our bodies and their ability to enjoy perhaps a different and new kind of pleasure. On the other hand, the increase in their frequency in porn can create pressure to perform as we see on the screen - whether it's internal pressure or pressure applied by our partner."
So how should one manage this?
"It all depends on the approach. Is my approach 'this is how I should behave, look, and perform' – in which case it already regiments me – or is my approach 'I want to explore this or that touch or stimulation to see if it feels good to me'. The problem arises when I think I should ejaculate, when I am sure I should be hairless in the vulva and anus, and when I am sure I should climax from giving oral sex to my partner."
And what happens in such a case? What are the consequences of adopting pornographic images in the bedroom just because we feel that this is what is expected of us?
"When we adopt an act inauthentically, meaning not because it excites us to try, but purely because we saw it in porn, in the worst-case scenario, we will feel like actresses in someone else's movie and probably won't experience much pleasure. In a worse scenario, we might even experience pain and a lack of listening to the body to the point of disconnection, which will lead to distance and harm to the relationship. A feeling of 'they touched me physically, but I didn't feel like they really touched me.'
"Therefore, if we want to incorporate an act we were exposed to through porn into our sexual relationship, it's worth communicating it before the encounter and ensuring the other side is into it. And if we go for it, make sure to be in communication all the way to check if adjustments and changes are needed. In general, it's worth thinking in advance about what adjustments and changes we should make to make it our act, and not just an imitation of what we saw. When we adopt an act not because it excites us but because we saw it in porn, we might experience pain and a lack of listening to the body to the point of disconnection."
I hear from quite a few women a recurring complaint that the man they slept with didn't really "see" them and mainly tried things on them that he saw in porn.
"This is completely a common experience for women. Going at it without communication and without anatomical understanding of the woman's body. In my opinion, it all starts and ends with sex education, which does not see women as human beings who are supposed to enjoy the bed just like the other participants. So they become a tool to fulfill what appeared in porn. The man tries to mimic what he saw in porn, sometimes even out of the naive thought that the woman will enjoy it, leaving the woman at a position to either to fake enjoyment or simply be devoid of enjoyment."
Are teenagers more prone to trouble in this sense, as "trend imitators", and is there anything that can be done to protect them?
"The most important message to convey is that porn is a movie in every sense. It has effects that don't necessarily happen in reality, it has sounds that aren't necessarily authentic, and it has actors who don't necessarily enjoy it. It's okay to watch, get aroused, get ideas, but in the end, we need to remember that it's not a documentary film that we are expected to mimic, neither in terms of the external appearance of the actors and actresses - who are usually chosen carefully or have undergone surgeries and various interventions, nor in terms of the different acts and trends. I think as long as we teach teenagers that it's entertainment, just like a 'Fast and Furious' movie, that's just fine."
Sex tip: "Porn is not a documentary. More like science fiction."