“I really feel like sending him a message. Ever since the war started the urge has only gotten stronger. We haven’t been in touch for a long time.” That was the message recently posted by a woman in a Facebook group for women. Within a short time, her post filled with responses from many women who said they were feeling exactly the same way. Some shared that they had already messaged an ex after months of silence. Others wrote that they were struggling with the urge but, for now, were holding themselves back.
If this sounds familiar, you are far from alone. During periods of stress, sirens and alarming news, many people find that memories of past relationships suddenly return. Sometimes it begins with a short message expressing concern, such as, “I saw there were sirens in your area. Are you OK?” But at times a conversation that starts casually can grow and even lead to reconnecting.
When reality feels threatening, the heart searches for what is familiar. Why? In situations of threat and uncertainty, people naturally look for closeness and security. An ex-partner is someone who once played a major role in our lives, and during tense times such as war, the brain may recognize that person as a familiar and relatively safe figure to turn to.
Major crises like the one many people are experiencing now can shake the sense of control we feel over our lives. Routine is disrupted, plans change and the future suddenly feels less predictable. In such situations, many people look for emotional anchors. According to attachment theory, an internal system is activated that leads us to seek figures who once provided comfort and a sense of security. An ex-partner may come to mind in this context because they once served as a source of emotional regulation and support.
When loneliness and stress meet
Another factor that intensifies this phenomenon is loneliness. Periods of security tension often lead many people to stay home more and reduce social gatherings. At the same time, social media continues to show images and videos of others surrounded by people, something that can intensify feelings of isolation.
'Our ex is someone who was once very significant in our lives, and in tense situations like war, our brain recognizes them as a familiar and safer person to turn to.'
An ex is someone who knows us well, who understands our story and our background. Because of that, it can sometimes feel easier to reach out to them than to start a completely new relationship. In such situations, a kind of psychological regression may occur, meaning a return to coping patterns that were available to us in the past. However, it is important to remember that this does not always reflect genuine longing for the person themselves. Sometimes we are not missing the ex, but rather what they symbolized for us: closeness, security or a time in life that felt more stable.
Naturally, during periods of high stress, people tend to idealize the past. We mainly remember the good moments in the relationship and pay less attention to the reasons that led to the breakup. For that reason, if the urge to send a message appears right now, it may be worth pausing for a moment and asking what is really behind it. At the same time, reconnecting is not always a mistake. In some cases, a conversation that begins by chance can lead to a renewed relationship that succeeds where the previous one ended.
Either way, if recently you have found yourself staring at old chats, scrolling through past photos or wondering whether to send a simple “How are you?” message, it may not only be nostalgia. Sometimes it is simply the way the mind searches for a sense of security in a stressful reality.
Dr. Adi Riva is a clinical psychologist and lecturer at the School of Social Work at Sapir Academic College.