“My daughter is growing up. Her body is changing, she has had her first period and she seems more feminine every day. I no longer know how to act around her. We used to hug without thinking about it and talk about everything, but now I feel as though I might constantly embarrass her or invade her space. Lately we have also been fighting more. During one argument she shouted that I don’t understand her, that I don’t love her and that I should stay out of her life. I want to be a present father, but I also need to set boundaries. How do I show her that I love her and want what is best for her without pulling away or intruding?”
This question, sent to me by a courageous father of a teenage girl, touches on a transition many parents go through, often without even realizing it. I was glad that this father noticed that his relationship with his daughter was changing. Simply being aware of that shift should not be taken for granted.
What happens during adolescence?
Adolescence brings changes in the body, the mind and relationships, and among all of these, the relationship with parents changes too. Sometimes embarrassment and distance emerge, particularly with a parent of the opposite sex. A father suddenly becomes cautious about a hug that until recently felt completely natural. A son comes home in sweat-soaked clothes smelling like a grown man, and his mother may find it harder to offer the tenderness and closeness that had always been part of their relationship, perhaps because he suddenly looks older to her, or because he himself has become embarrassed or distant.
Some of that distancing comes from the children, but a significant part of it comes from us, the parents. Their sexual development confronts us with our own relationship to the body, with the way we were taught to touch or not touch, to talk about sexuality or remain silent. Sometimes we tell ourselves that we are giving them space when, in fact, we are avoiding a kind of parental intimacy that makes us uncomfortable.
Matan LivnehPhoto: CourtesyAt the heart of this step backward, common among many parents, there is often generosity. It comes from respect. The child is growing up, and the parents make room. But too often, without intending to, respect for privacy turns into withdrawal from the relationship. That withdrawal can create a missed opportunity precisely in an area where adolescents need positive life experience so badly: healthy, respectful closeness between men and women.
A father’s influence on his teenage daughter
For many girls, their father is the first close and significant man in their lives. For many boys, their mother is the first close and significant woman in theirs. Long before a first romantic relationship, a first kiss or the awakening of sexual desire, boys and girls have already accumulated years of experience in a close relationship with a parent of the opposite sex.
They know what it feels like to be loved by that parent, to oppose them, to be disappointed in them, to ask them for help and to reconcile after conflict. Through everyday life, they learn what can be asked for in a relationship, which feelings can be expressed, and what happens when my wishes collide with those of someone I love.
Sex education is often framed as a series of conversations parents need to have: when to explain bodily development, how to talk about consent, pornography or relationships. These conversations matter, but parents also influence the way their children understand sexuality without ever discussing it explicitly.
The family relationship is one of the first places where the ability to build healthy intimate relationships takes shape. The ability to trust, move closer, set a boundary, tolerate rejection, be vulnerable without shame and know that love can survive disagreement all develop in the closest and earliest relationships of our lives. They become the foundation on which we later build our expectations of romantic love, partnership and sexuality.
A girl whose body is changing becomes increasingly aware of the way people look at her, the judgments directed at her and the expectations surrounding how she should look and behave. Within that reality, her father can offer something rare and valuable: a close relationship with a man who does not need her to be prettier, more agreeable or more polished. A man who loves her when she is angry, argumentative, distant, tired, hungry and simply human. A man who is not frightened by her emerging femininity and does not turn it into something that must be controlled, protected or feared.
As a girl’s body changes, she becomes increasingly aware of the looks directed at her
(Photo: Shutterstock)
Such a father does not only teach his daughter how a man should treat a woman. He gives her the chance to experience perhaps the deepest lesson he can offer: how to be close to a man without losing herself. To know she can say no, hold her own opinion, ask for physical affection or refuse it and still feel secure in the relationship. That is a cornerstone of healthy, positive sexual development.
Imagine, for example, a father who is worried by the way his daughter dresses. He knows the outside world does not always look at teenage girls kindly, and he is afraid for her. That concern is understandable, but to his daughter it may sound like criticism of her body, her clothes or the way she chooses to present herself.
At such a delicate moment, the adult in the relationship has to do careful parental work. Rather than talking about her body, he can take responsibility for talking about his own feelings and fears. He can ask her to understand his perspective without turning her body into a source of shame, and without teaching her that his love depends on her accepting his worldview.
A mother’s influence on her teenage son
For boys, adolescence usually brings a different kind of pressure. As they grow older, the accepted paths of masculinity often become narrower: be strong, deal with it yourself, don’t get offended, don’t cry, don’t be soft.
A boy who once told his parents everything and curled up beside them on the couch for comfort may begin hiding fear, sadness or needs that reveal vulnerability. He has probably learned that these needs carry a social cost. But the needs themselves do not disappear.
A mother can have an extraordinary influence on a boy growing up under those pressures. If she can continue offering warmth and closeness without shaming him for needing them, she preserves an option society may be taking away from him: the possibility of being strong and resilient while also being gentle, needing others, showing weakness or accepting a hug.
Within his relationship with her, he also learns that a woman can be a close person he can rely on, whose wishes he can respect and with whom he can have a relationship that is not built around constantly performing strength and confidence.
If a mother continues offering her son warmth and closeness without shaming him for needing them, she preserves an option society often denies him
(Photo: shutterstock)
There is extensive discussion about how difficult it can be for teenage boys to share what they are going through, but it is easy to forget how difficult it can be for them to accept support in a world that has denied them that right from an early age.
A boy may roll his eyes when his mother asks how he is doing, disappear into his room for hours and still miss the experience of being allowed simply to rest his head and let go. His mother does not need to force a conversation or a hug, but she can remind him, in words and actions, that the option has not disappeared just because his voice has deepened and his shoulders have broadened.
These lessons can also be learned in other relationships, and of course from a parent of the same sex. Still, there is something distinctive about experiencing them with a parent of the opposite sex. It allows adolescents to encounter, inside their own home, the possibility of a relationship between a man and a woman that is not dictated by the roles society assigns them.
The question of boundaries
Closeness, of course, is not a right a parent can demand. A girl is entitled not to want a hug from her father. A boy is entitled not to tell his mother everything that is happening in his life. In fact, respecting those boundaries is part of the lesson itself. Loving someone does not mean having unrestricted access to their body, thoughts or privacy.
But there is a huge difference between accepting that your child does not want a hug and stopping offering hugs because you feel rejected. There is a difference between allowing a teenager to keep something private and no longer asking how they are feeling.
As for the boundaries the father in the opening question needs to set, they are not incompatible with closeness. He can insist on a curfew, oppose a particular decision or set a boundary when she behaves hurtfully. He can stand his ground and confront her without using his love as leverage, without shutting down, giving her the silent treatment or resorting to emotional manipulation.
The girl becoming a young woman needs a father who can remain loving even when she disagrees with him, even when she pushes him away and even when she tells him he understands nothing.
And to return to the question we began with, when your daughter says, “You don’t understand me,” there may be no need to rush to prove that you do. You can ask what she feels you do not understand, what she wishes would happen differently and try to hear the answer even if it contains uncomfortable criticism.
Similarly, when your son says, “Leave me alone,” you do not have to disappear, nor do you have to insist that he tell you everything. Sometimes it is enough to say: “OK. I’m here if you want me,” and offer the connection again another time.
Parents should continue showing interest even when answers are brief, and offer closeness without taking rejection personally
(Photo: shutterstock)
That requires considerable courage from parents: continuing to show interest even when the answers are brief, offering closeness without taking rejection personally and listening to criticism without immediately becoming defensive. It means remembering that the child who suddenly asks you to close the door behind you is still the same child who needs a safe place in the world. They are simply trying, quite rightly, to discover how to become a separate person without losing the relationship.
When children enter adolescence, parents should neither retreat in alarm nor cling to the intimacy that existed when they were small. Parents and children have to learn a new form of closeness together, one with more permission, more listening and more respect for independence, but no less love.
For a daughter, her father can remain the man who teaches her that closeness does not require giving up herself. For a son, his mother can remain the woman who teaches him that closeness does not require giving up his softness. Those are lessons that can accompany them through the turbulent years of adolescence and for the rest of their lives.
Matan Livneh is an educator, group facilitator and lecturer specializing in healthy sex education. He works with children, teenagers and educational teams, guides parents, and mentors teenage boys and young men in developing emotional maturity and self-direction. He is a member of the board of the Israel Society for Sex Education and one of the administrators of the Facebook group “Education for Positive Sexuality.”