Have you ever watched a video of your children with the sound turned off? It feels like watching them operate in a different language. They dance without music, laugh without sound, and cast a glance at the camera, at us. Without audio, body language, facial expressions and movement suddenly become louder and clearer. The mute button amplifies nonverbal communication and reminds us of a simple truth: it is not only what we say to our children that matters, but how.
Parenting works exactly the same way, even when it comes to socks. One pair by the couch, another by the bed. I ask once, then again, and by the third time I hear myself saying, “I don’t understand, how hard is it to pick up socks from the floor?" Now let us mute that moment too. No words, just the image. You see me standing over him, my body slightly stiff, shoulders raised. My facial expression tightens, lips pressed together, gaze sharp. Even if I did not actually shout, my body already is.
What do the kids see? Not a request, not a boundary. They feel impatience, disappointment and criticism. Before the socks even enter the picture, they are already busy defending themselves. Many parents say, “But I said it nicely, I was even calm.” And that may be true. The words themselves were fine. The problem was not what we said, but how it sounded to the other side.
Children do not hear sentences; they experience attitude. They pick up tone, movement and eye contact. The moment a request is loaded with exhaustion or frustration, they are no longer available to cooperate. Not because they are doing it on purpose, but because they are reacting to the experience. This is where an important concept comes in: equality. Not equal rights, but equal of worth. These are two very different things.
Relating to our children as equals does not mean there are no boundaries. It means there is respect. Roles in the home are not equal and authority is not equal, but human worth is. It means we see our children as people. Do not misunderstand me, I still expect them to clean up after themselves, but I speak to him as someone whose value is equal to mine.
The same request, delivered with a completely different attitude: “Can you please clean up after yourself?” No sharp movements, no eye rolling, no emotional charge. This is not giving up authority, but rather refining it. Equality of worth is the 'What', communication is the 'How'. When the 'How' changes, the 'What' starts to work too.
But if we stop here, we miss something even more important. Often, behind a child’s lack of cooperation is not laziness or rudeness, but a different struggle altogether. A struggle over their place in the relationship with us. In those moments, the child is not fighting over socks, dishes or homework. They are responding to the feeling of being small vis-à-vis a big adult, of once again being “not good enough,” of having no chance to explain, only to comply.
When children feel they do not have equal worth in the relationship, they will do one of two things: fight or disappear. Not because there is something wrong with them, but because it is the only way they know to say, “See me. Talk to me, not down to me.” This is a difficult point for us as parents to face. It is far more comfortable to think the problem lies with the children, with their behavior or habits. It is much more challenging to understand that the power to change is with us, not because we are doing something wrong, but because we are the significant ones.
Perhaps this is the greatest parenting challenge of all: not teaching children to listen to us, but helping them feel safe with us even when we ask something of them. To understand that in challenging moments, they do not need us to speak louder or clearer. They need us to remain human, present and equal in value. Because in the end, long before they remember whether they picked up the socks or not, they will remember how we made them feel in those moments. And that, unlike socks, cannot simply be picked up off the floor.
One lesson we should all learn is how to pause. Before repeating the request, before raising our voice, before getting frustrated that “I have to say this again, just stop for a second and check how it looks without sound. How your body is standing, what your look is conveying, what feeling it leaves on the other side. Sometimes a small change in tone, in approach, in attitude creates a big change here. Not because the children have changed, but because they are finally able to listen without needing to defend themselves. Before you speak, try hitting mute.